Week 2 - Post Departure

Missed him. But that was inevitable. Feeling confident in myself, in my situation despite the fact that I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed. I need 1 good nights sleep that will not come until I'm either 60 or dead.

Will I ever feel better? Will I ever be able to see again? I'm depressed. I know I am. Not taking my Zoloft, thinking eventually I'll kick myself in the ass and I will wake up one day feeling normal.

I know, it's stupid.

Wednesday, I got a flat tire. Had to change it, luckily I knew how. You don't know how many women out there... single mothers, etc. that don't know how to change a freakin' tire. I'm at least not that helpless... although when I get the tire fixed tomorrow I bet I'll get raped.

Yeah, raped by the tire company I go to because they see me as a target. Literally. I am ignorant about my truck. I'll walk in there with my baby in her carrier asking for a tire with my specs on a sheet of paper and they'll bend me backwards and rape me up the but without lube. Or, well... it will probably feel like that since I'm broke.

I can't drive around on my donut. I drive 80mi/day. That's a lot. Gotta fill my tank every 300 miles. Single mom being raped every way the free market economy can take advantage.

Feeling like a victim right now. In a lot of different aspects.

I asked my Sup at work to check on a LOA for me when I have to get my eyes fixed. I asked her 2 days ago. Then in a weird coincidence, today we get an email from HR about the new STD and FLMA information. Now my STD would take 8 days to kick in, where for my understanding now it's only 5. Heavens to Betsy. And what do you know, it goes into effect 7/1/06! I have my retinal consultation 6/28/06 not enough time to get me into surgery or whatever to even think about STD before the changes. (*STD=Short Term Disability)

I've got 70 points. 1 more point and I would have gotten 'verbal counseling with my Sup and a written warning. I agreed to work on my attendance, but my priorities are changing.

1.) I need my eyes fixed. I dream about seeing normally! I am starting to have doubts that I will ever be normal again!

2.) I miss having a 'united' family. An idea I'll have to disband for a long time. I miss the companionship.

3.) I miss having a real dinner. I don't have the time with my current schedule. Weekends I can try and cook a decent dinner (Fridays and Saturdays) but the rest of the week is shot. It's bologna sandwichs or buttered noodles.

I need to take better care of myself to be there for my daughter.

Jim will be driving up Friday after work. Hopefully. He was going to wait and see how much he is getting paid after taxes. Wondering if it's worth his absence. Wondering if its worth my heartache. When I'm busy, I don't think about my situation. I don't feel. I was good at keeping myself busy last week, but I've lost all my desire. I even felt 'pissy' yesterday. I don't feel pissy. Its not like me. Very uncharacteristic. I need sleep.