Its Tuesday and already my days are running together. This completes my full week down in NC. I arrived here last Tuesday and found out on Wednesday morning we we no longer together. Nice Facebook surprise.

Top things I love about him... Some things I will miss

1. The soft wrinkles that now trim his face
2. His multi-colored facial and body hair
3. His high-maintance "Veet Me Please" moments
4. The eyebrow trimming sessions, even though I picked on him...
5. The way he always knew how to make me laugh
6. The sly smile he gets when he's trying to be mischeivous
7. The sideways glasses he used to make when he thought i didn't notice him checking out the girl
8. The open conversations we could have about anything, no matter the hour
9. The way he would get so excited and passionate about invention ideas
10. Intimacy
11. The way we could sit in a room sometimes and not say anything at all
12. The way he would hold me when I cried
13. The way he calmed me and was my Yin to my Yang
14. The way he'd stroke my neck when we were out in public
15. The way he dances
16. The sound of his voice
17. His delicate touch, "goo"
18. The times he asks for back rubs or massages when I never got a turn
19. The smell of his shoes and wet socks
20. His Man-Smell
21. The crook of his arm as I slept with him
22. His understanding
23. His calm
24. His agressive fetishes
25. Fun at the bar or with friends as a couple
26. Him being beside me as I parent our children
27. The idea of marrying him and growing old with him
28. His support and strength when I am stressed and in need
29. Him saying "I Love You"
30. Everything that he was, is, and can be.

He may not know his potential, or maybe he is content in living the way he chooses. I understand that I need to let him go, because this is what he wants. I understand I will always love him and it hurts. It will continue to hurt and I will continue to feel dismay. I understand that as a good parent, I need to set aside my feelings in front of the children. I will eventually find happiness again. I hope. I am dying inside, for lack of better words. I miss him with ever fiber of my being, but it is not good to be that obsessed with someone who no longer returns the affection.

I can be professional. I can be responsible. I can be anything to anyone, but I cannot seem to keep him happy.

Good luck to you. I am sorry things have not worked out and that you are not willing to try. I am sorry that I stand here alone, still wearing my band because I cannot seem to let you go. I am sorry that I feel this way still, even after the events. I wish you'd just come down or I could stop feeling this pain. I can never stop loving you. I know so many people have been through a break up. I have never been through a breakup like this. Sure, I've missed the ones I've loved in the past, but I have never loved someone so completely. I have never been so devoted. I gave my soul to you and my heart still aches.

Sharing an exert from an article:

"Even though sometimes the world seems about six sizes too small for our pain, the amazing shit is that no matter how deep purple the bruise is, no matter how dark and overwhelming and miserable and worthless it all seems the world will get a fraction of an inch bigger every day.

 

Really, every fucking day.

 

And you won’t notice it for a long time until suddenly, one day, it’s only five times too small for your pain and then four and then the world will just keep getting larger and larger in comparison to your shattered heart and eventually it will be able to hold it and then it will outgrow it.

 

And your pain will be just a speck in your world" (Riese, 2011).

Here's the full article