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Journal about motherhood, working, and everyday life. Dealing with the balance of life and depression... as well as making difficult decisions.
I've written under several names, Gabriel's Daughter, Linaklutz, Olivia's Mommy... it does not matter what name I use, it's still the same. Welcome to the DarkLight Abyss.
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Reality check today tells me that I should no longer hold out hope for him. I was trying, because I was desperate for things to work out... but he's 33 and chooses his own path. I can only support him when he chooses to be here and he has chosen to continue his life elsewhere. As I gave a brief recap of the Day After Arrival mishaps to my younger sister, she, like many others, seemed mad enough for me. I am just exhausted of feeling this way. I lost hope that he'd ever come around now. At this point, I can't hold my breath and wait for a man who obviously is not interested. Like a kick in the face with a steel toe boot. What else can I say? I'm reserved to the knowledge. I did find out today why my six year old kept crying. She kept telling me to apologize to her father for fighting and then he'd change his mind to come down. It turns out that before we left, when her sister and she were not getting along so well, he told them to stop fighting or he wasn't going to come down. She felt responsible for mess. I had to advise her otherwise. I hate that my six year old was blaming herself for all this mess. It was not even her fault! I told her that sometimes adults have disagreements and this is better for all of us. As a good friend advised that even if he does eventually decide he wants to come back, it would be better on the kids if we stayed separated. I don't even see the possibility of his return anymore. He doesn't love me anymore. I would have taken him back in a heart beat, but now... I don't even have the glimpse of a hope he will ever change his mind. Yes, I was worried about where he would live, how he'd make ends meet, how he'd keep his verbal promise of child support... let alone try and make a valid effort at talking with the girls, i.e. video chat on weekends... but they are disinterested sometimes in just speaking with him on the phone during his lunch on the weekdays (which is a matter of a five minute conversation in most cases). You want space? I'm 10 hours away. You want time? Then take all the time in the world, because obviously its what you need and I am not important enough or worthy enough to be a part of that world. (bitter sarcasm) *evil grin* I'm just trying to accept the rejection. Rejection is not an easy pill to swallow. Its like anal sex. I just don't like it. Hahah! Sorry, had to add a little humor today. I can smile now while the tears stream down my face because tomorrow is another day. The tourniquet that binds my heart is just as tight but the numbness is finally settling in. I will replace my lost love, my anger, and my disappointment with duty. He broke me like no other man has ever broken me. I'm bleeding from the shards of my broken heart, the memories of the life we created together and am reminded each time I look at our children. I love them dearly and they are the ultimate gift to me, but I look at them and I see him. I am lucky to have loved as I have loved. Even luckier to have the children I have and the ones I have lost. I am blessed because I have a place to sleep, food to eat when I choose to eat, and JournalHome.com I write this for me. For clarity . For peace. I'd rather die an old maid then get another kick in the face with another steel toe boot. |
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