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Angelina Kilmer

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9/24/2011 - Shambles
Posted in Unspecified

We arrived yesterday morning to see the electric was still off. He tried, honestly, to have it on when we came... but things fell apart. I spoke with a supervisor and had them here before 11:30am. He came to visit the kids. The moment I saw him I lost my breathe. God, how I still love him. I had to keep reminding myself that he chose this. I had cleared out the porch, NYSEG came, furnace& hot water heater are shot, Terra& family went through her stuff in the basement, which I have to clear more of... The house is in shambles. I am in shambles. Its a shell of garbage right now that just needs to be cleared. He wants space. Did not even realize Terra did not know about the separation until I told her last night. Maya asked if Jim changed his mind as was gonna come down. Terra seems to think he's trying to find himself-in another woman. Which, since he cheated, might not be entirely off-base. Whatever his motivations, it still hurts. And I know it will. It will feel worse when he stops trying so hard to contact the girls... and there will be a day, week, month... and it'll happen. Why is it, that through all this, I still feel this love? Love will get me through this. Strength will be my guide. I believe we are all damaged, products off misuse and abuse from all the love we have shared in our lifetime. And yet, this wonderfully painful bittersweet experience has taught me an appreciation. Sometimes we all take forgranted the things we cherish in life, and sometimes when we're faced with that loss we grow more as individuals than we did before the pain. I always had a passion for raw emotion. I have always tried to give my best to those around me believing that my best was what they deserved. And in some cases, maybe I was just going through the motions. We all die a little when a long term relationship ends. I am in Shambles. Like the house I will soon no longer own, there is still a lot of work to be done. I do not want to, and did not want to leave it all to him. This was a mess I created. His help in cleaning is appreciated as we move forward with life. I had hoped it would be together. We were destined to meet on several occassions in our history, and our timing for our meeting was never better. I always took that as a sign that we were meant to be. Maybe fate has decided our paths are no longer entertwined. I always thought that love could survive everything. But we are each individual entities with needs, desires, and inadequacies. How I can love his every fault and accept him for everything he's worth is what I want in return. My love cannot make him a whole man. I hope he can find someone that makes him happy.
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