Having problems with my social problems class because it is intense. Super intense and its a lot to juggle right now. I can barely concentrate on normal activities let alone completing 2 discussion posts 300 words, responding to at least 2 of my classmates per discussion post (yet I have to read all 50 of them)... plus a long research assignment and like 6 chapters in the large text and 3 chapters in the small text per week. Not to mention a weekly quiz. Jeepers, whoever thought online schooling was easy was wrong. I find I am doing more work than if I sat in a classroom. Maybe I should change majors! (Really though, this would be the 3rd major change in a year, not the best move. I think I'll just stick this one out and hopefully I can decide on my Masters within the year). 

This probably won't last long. I'm testing the waters to try and at least pass this semester, but I have to be realistic. I am working an intense courseload right now.

He calls and talks to the girls nightly. And I'm getting better when I hear his voice. I'm not quivering so much inside. He had so much control over me. I can't believe I let someone do that to me. I'm disappointed in some aspects because I had never loved anyone the way I loved him. It'll get easier. But do I want it to get easier? It really is just like grief. I have a hard time letting go.

We talked today, just briefly, and it was nice to feel included in his life. Even if it is just as a courtesy. I lost my best friend when I lost him. I lost part of myself. I am regaining some sense of dignity in the ashes. I am understanding life at a newer level as I analyze the struggle. I don't want to be one of those people that has had 4 ex husbands. I don't love like that. I just don't.

I know every day I get up. I take care of our children. I move through the motions of rebuilding and many moments I am thinking about him. I know I have to push myself through this. I know this is still fresh. I don't want the next 4 months to be continual agony. And I know it won't be.

Sure I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. Sure I still love him. I wonder if he still loves me.

I am trying to separate my obsession and give him the space he desires. And I am jealous when I should not be. I'm still trying to reach for someone who is not there. He's made that clear. I still wait with my arms open, wrists outturned because it is still how I feel. I am vulnerable to him because I choose to be.

I stand a stronger woman today because I choose to be. I breathe on my own now, less suffocating. I live in a house that is not mine. I am a stranger in my own life, but I will find me.

Black is the color of rain as it suffocates me in the darkness.