Monday he texted, said things he later regretted but he's in NY. Today I find out that now for a some time, he's been trying to get with a friend of his he's known for 7 years. Yes her. They have a lot in common and I see it working out.

He answered my questions. And I appreciated the candid responses. It has been less than a month. So if I meant that little to him, who am I to hold him back? I always believed in a mourning period, but he seems all ready to jump into living with her! Although he says they communicated restrictions because of her child, and our children. Their communication seems better from the start. Although I believe as a friend, it is too soon for him to jump into living with his new found companion... He needs some personal time to establish his boundaries. He already confessed that it might not work out-although that might have just been for my benefit.

I hope he finds what he needs. In her, or in realizing what he had. Either way, I have to get over the fact that he will likely move in with her soon, as his current living situation is not boding well. His parents won't take him in. He at least has a job after not showing up Monday. He makes his choices. 

Do I feel like a Super Failure? Of course. It was different when I thought all he wanted was sex... Now, he's looking for love with someone else. And it is not just sex because he admitted they'd had that discussion. They are holding off. Respect for that. He's always been about sex, and if this start to a relationship that is not based on sex will help him become the man he wants to be then I tip my hat off to him. (Is that right?)

I am working on me. I found strength today I did not think I possessed. I found strength in myself this week that I never knew was possible. I may have to postpone school again, for a little while, but I will wait until that time comes. I am believing in me. I am silly, fun, creative, and quirky. I am dedicated, loyal, a great friend, and honest. I may love someone a little too much, but love is about letting people go sometimes. Understanding that maybe things happen for a reason. I am a better person for having been through what I have and I am making strides in making a good life for my children.

I will always love him. I know that. I can live with that, but I know that as time passes the love will lessen. The ache will pass. I know this because November is coming. November has always been the hardest because of the loss of the children, but I have survived. The pain still lingers, the love is still there, and I am a better person for the endurance.

It is never easy losing someone you love. I am trying to stay focused. I do not want to bury myself in my work again in avoidance because I want to be the mother my children need. I am just starting single-motherhood. I have a long road ahead of me. Thanks to good friends and having a place to clear my thoughts, I may be able to survive the struggle with minimal damage. 

If he ever decides this is where he belongs, I may be another person. A stronger, wiser, healthier person for having experienced this trauma. I may not be who he needs me to be any longer. I will be who I need me to be. And I am okay with that.