So yesterday I had some great moments propelling me forward in life, helping me cut through some of the clutter that was... our relationship. Although he doesn't want to work me up... Ha! Okay, well... I was not angry. *shrugs* I opted lately to reconnect with a friend on a deeper level. No commitment, just fun... He knows the place I'm in and we're both okay with it.


Jim's moved forward. I still can't because I honestly loved him. How can someone move on in less than a month? If you really love someone, I don't think you can. It really is just another stake through the heart. The pain and the indifference is helping me move forward. I have moments still where I feel like swallowing a river of tears and then times when I think its amazing I never allowed myself to see beyond the pain. 

I looked through the posts the past few months and I can see the pain I've endured and have forgotten. How is it I just let it go? It was because I loved him. No matter how much pain he put me through, I forgave him. I loved Jim. I still love him with a pain that rings through every fiber of my being. But he's moved on.


Does part of me hope it doesn't work out? Of course. Does part of me hope that it does work out for them? Maybe a little. I shouldn't care. I have to detangle myself from the other hassle of a mess I got myself into with the other... and hope there is no hard feelings. I had been needing some attention and a shoulder to cry on. And well, he's been there. Then I had a moment of clarity that shocked me and made me wonder what I was doing with that too! Its fun and innocent, but not a focus. 

Secretly do I wish he was miserable? Do I want him to get jealous and miss me? Do I want him to realize that he gave up something that was truly worth saving? Of course.

I will have a new idea of what I want out of my future love relationships. He always expected me to make changes whenever we broke up and got back together, or when we fought. It always felt like it was my fault, for not making him unhappy. I never cheated. I never had secret email accounts. I never had singles profiles.

When I was unhappy, I communicated. When I had an expectation, I advised. When I wanted something, I let him know.       

I still love Jim. But, I'll get over it. I still love him. But, taking him back would be a mistake. I still love him. But, he doesn't love me. When will this end?!
 
The kids still cry for him. Kara especially. She misses her daddy. She doesn't understand. It'll be harder when he tells them about his girlfriend. How my heart aches. My left hand feels naked and I have an OCD tendancy to rub my finger until it feels raw. I'm unsettled. I'm having nightmares of bad things happening when the kids visit him in NY. I trust him still. I ... don't know if I can do this.