Someone asked me today how I NC was. Why did my eyes water and my insides quiver like I was about to start another panic attack? She meant it genuinely. Wow. I guess this is another bad day.

Saw Lil Sis and her fiance for a bit, as they came in late last night and left after lunch at 2pm today. We had family portraits done. Although I'm not very fond of pictures, they did appear to turn out good. We'll have to see the final cut when it comes in.

I realized today as Mom was driving us to Triangle Town Center Mall that I actually have barely left the house since I got to Raleigh. I hadn't realized the avoidance until today. I realized there has been a lot of reasons why. I still tear up in public. There's a grapefruit that climbs up my through and lodges itself. My hands start to tremor, my eyes stream, and I get hot. My stomach quivers and I can't control my leg twitches. I am on the verge of a panic attack. 

The thought of moving on makes me panic. I just cleared the old LG phone so I could send it back to Verizon for the gift card. Cleared off all the girl's numbers and pictures from his old phone. I know this is better. He was a cheater and had no respect for me. I know this is better because I can't live with his infidelity. I could live with the fact that he has female friends, heck, I have male friends. But I don't look at them the way he looks at his girls. I guess, I know there's a part of me that never will get over that insecurity with him. Not now. He left. He did it once and he'd do it again. He's never coming back and I need to get over it.

I need to find a way to get over the panic attacks. Sunday I plan on driving out. Just me. Hope I don't end up in tears in the middle of a highway somewhere. I did not realize how unstable I still was. I was doing so well, but when I'm only going here to WalMart, or Human Services, or Liv's School.... its my comfort zone. I need to push outside my comfort zone to survive. I don't want to have to commit myself, but honestly, the way I'm feeling I need to. 

I wish there was an Angel that would steal away my sorrows. A miracle that could heal the broken heart and provide a sense of peace. I realized that even with all the friends and the nice conversations, there is a part of me that has to do this on my own. Love is my demise. 

I go to another staffing agency Monday. I try not to think about him so I can make it through a day. I think clearing his phone made this a little too close, again. I still have his paperwork in the filing cabinet and I'll have to give it to him when he has visitation. Life will never be the same again. I had been stealing away time with my denial. I had been stealing away the heartache through moments, and I must force a life to move on. I will spend my Sunday trying to overcome the panic. I never knew I was this off... I am worse than I thought, but... there's only up from here, I suppose. Please let me not crack.