Went back out tonight with Mom. She seemed to have noticed my episode was bad enough to warrant a returned trip to the mall. Enough to make it just the girls. I survived. This time, minimal damage. I did not run screaming and crying, hiding my head between my knees. I put my chin up and marched to my enemy. 

I had not realized how much fear is involved with change. No one ever talks about how scary it is to be removed from one's comfort zone. Sure I have people to connect with. Most of my support system is in NY though, where I am most comfortable. Sure I lived in NC before, but this is in a different area and it is starting new, again. Change is scary. 

Going back out of my comfort zone was probably the best for me. I did not want to return, but I had to 'get back on the (figurative) horse again...' 

I felt so dirty and drained from the panic attack early today. It is so stupid. I know we all have our way of dealing with things. And I know this is hard... but I can't hermit myself up because some guy ruined me. I never let anyone have that much control over my life before. He never had that much control over my life before, why am I letting him control me like this from 600 miles away? My love is crippling.

I hope from this he learns to be a better man. For whomever he marries. I hope from this I learn that I can survive and I hope I am never too bitter to love again.

It may seem like small fries. It really is, but my depression is normally crippling. Changes to someone like me who is very structured make any little change a huge ordeal. The changes in the last month have basically left me a shell of my former self. Why do I still think about him?! 

I needed some motivating music because I need to get over this hump. I know what I am doing with my time. It sucks because I still think of him. I still love him. He is ignoring me because he is moving on. Did I mention the girlfriend?! I'm feeling like a donkey. 

"After all you put me through, You’d think I’d despise you. But in the end I want to thank you. Because you made me that much stronger. " ...  http://youtu.be/PstrAfoMKlc

The 22nd is near approaching. I have never been without the girls for this long and not for these means. I left them for Australia because I thought I still had a life to return to, a soon-to-be-husband that loved me, and a future. Now I will be taking them to see their dad after my baby turns 4 for their visitation. I still have yet to get child support, and my foolish attempts at maintaining a friendship with him are diminishing. For better or for worse. 

I will get back on that Horse. I will regain some confidence. I cannot let myself fall a victim to this depression. I did it once before. I did it because I lost the will to fight. Things are different now. I cannot and I will not let this defeat me. I am a fighter. His words cut deep, his actions cut deeper. And I am still bleeding. A month later, and I have not bled dry.