i havent posted in a while for a lot of reasons. He has been here now since Oct 23rd. i have been adjusting. he has been adjusting. i am letting go but its not easy starting new afterr being so vulnerable. i am damaged. he asks me why i'm quiet. i used to push him forr answerrs when he was quiet. now he is asking me. am i distant? i am not the one sifting through his phone. i have nothing to hide. i am no possession and i am honest. i love him. he is trying. he is making honest efffort. he is making goals and i am trying hard to trrust him. i do not want him to pull the wool overr my eyes. how can he expect me to put down my guard? he has not been vulnerable to me. exposed, naked for lack of better terminology. going through his phone, sifting through computerr files, reading his emails and text messages... none of it would make me feel better. why does that thought enter my mind? it is not a natural thought for me. i trust him, right? i am hurt, and to forgive means to learn to trust. i allowed him to come back. i have been happy with him. i am happy w/ him. the kids are happier, but i find i am better too. i am on my second job in NC. i tend to let my anxiety and depression let me make rash decisions. i see me leaving this job soon too. now that i am thinking more clearly. It is 11:56pm and Liv is reading me a story. my digestive system is killing me and I need to go.