i seemed pretty busy today and feel that i accomplished close to nothing. he was out job searching, i hid in the room. sometimes i just need to not be down there. or around. the girls were around. i took time prepping school work and took breaks to play with them, hide and seek, play dough, etc. ffixed breakfast lunch and dinner, and he helped with chores as i asked. i appologize for the many typos in the posts as of late. i have been typing thru my android phone and its tempermental, to say the least. think i just over came the most recent of bugs with it, though i know its a bidaily issue lastely. i am hoping that with how many applications i have in with Rex, WakeMed and Duke I will eventually get a call about something! i watched an interresting movie with jim but he fell asleep right after. i find tho i was a bit uncomfotable looking him in the eye. almost made me wanna cry, which was odd. passing moment. simple things like holding his hand is nice, but again, the romance aspect frightens me. i will be blunt for a moment and say that the sex has been just sex lately because its not like we even kiss, or anything really. its just basic and done. i suppose it does its duty and its over, not sure even how i feel about that either. not worth mentioning i guess. not like it matters. by 2am there is at least one kid in our bed and by 7 i may orr may not be sleeping alone in the kids room. not that i am mad at him. i am not. just kicked outta my own bed, played uno with the kids and jim because boredom got the best of me. and i sit here typing in the dark on my cell while he sleeps on the bed. so much of the prospect of fun. i may huddle in the closet later. *sigh* its just me being me. dont read into that. i have one more free day until i have to start working again. one more day of freedom, uno. i am up, alone at night. one person. uno. lonely and bored. but, whatever. he came home and jerked off after job hunting. so whatever floats his boat. he doesnt need me. lol. then he asked why i told him no blowjob tonight. well, he fell asleep anyway. heaven forbid Maya texts me and I have to brush my teeth. good dental hygiene. not like i french him anyway. i think thats been like 5 years. no kidding. or hell, even having his kiss me when we'e making out or foreplay, kissing my neck etc... none of that either. he cant blame me for his lack of effort. he forgets i guess that i am a woman, and maybe romance is what i want. its hard to be romantic with him because i question his motives and its all so new again its like i dont know him. hell, sometimes even when he kisses me unexpectadly closed mouthed i find my heart jumps and my stomach quivers. i know him, and yet i feel like i dont. why do i feel like crying because i dont know the man lying next to me? i like the feelings i am feeling, most of the time. i feel the doubt and i understand the fear. but at the same time... i feel alone. just me. uno. he is trying, and i want to let go, i want to feel free again off the anger and the pain, but those feelings are keeping me in check, they are my balance. they remind me of what kind of hell i dug myself out off since Sept. evvven knowing that he was kissing or attempting to after we had agreed for him to come here. a goodbye kiss, whatever. kiss my ass, yes i was angry. so dont be mad that there are things i am not saying about my life during the separation. i never know what he is thinking, who he is texting, what he is doing 24/7 and i think i am ok with that because even though therre are those doubts as there would inevitably be after all i have been through, and i find strength in knowing i have this distance rright now. i would love to fall in love with him again. i would love to let his pain go and feel free with him, but reality wont allow it. i hold onto the notion that my scars make me stronger. i love him, yes. i dont need him, i know. but i choose him, i do. marriage? honestly not even thinking that far now. i dont know his real intentions. i am just trying to get to know him again. reacclimate myself to a stranger that i have been living with forr over ten years. he is the father to my four children, and the only man i think i may everr love so deeply, but as i get to know myself again during this time i also get to know him. i am concentrating on my emotional well being. my maturation. my needs and desires, and of course those of our children, i am glad he has chosen to take part in this life. but i know that we are all born into this life alone and we will die alone. one. uno.