I am back to looking for work, on my own choice again. I could not handle the mental anguish of the previous position. I am just still to fragile. Thought it was the survey itself, but then thought it was the call center work. I have been in a crippling depression again. Sleeping a lot, feeling sick, having spasms again. Although I have started my meds again. Small victory, I found them. 

He's been attentive. Communicating, being affectionate and helpful. And I keep wondering when I'm gonna screw up and start another fight. Trying to just keep my insecurities to myself. Calm. I'm not myself.

I wonder what persona I'm showing. What part of me I'm letting him see. What parts of me I'm still trying to hide. What parts of me I want to keep from him now. I know the pain I went through. I don't want those scars, but they are there. And some days, like today, I feel a fresh cut. Its not him. I see him, and I think about all the things I never knew. I think about the deception and the lies. I think about what a fool he played me to be. I think about how much I want him to suffer for making me suffer because he never really thought he'd lose me. I know what I have to offer, but God help me I love him. I know he is making honest effort, but I still need to find a way to let myself trust him again. 

I have vowed to myself to let the past be in the past. I am no fool though. I know he will think about it the next time some girl comes up to him in a bar. Like the night before Kara was born and he stuck his dick in some unknown chick. 

He sleeps on the bed as I type. And I wonder for a moment if I made the right choice. 

What persona is he showing me? A man can never really change, can he? Its funny how they say you fall in love with your father. He is just as much a womanizer as he is. Just as much a sex addict as he is. Just as much a disappointment in some respects. 

I am doing great with managing my time though, spending it with the girls, having a date night with him, job hunting or working depending on the week. Its Thanksgiving this week. I managed to skate by Abby's birthday on the 4th without too much of a major hiccup. Lost her 7 years ago. Xavier's birthday is Tuesday and it'll be 9 years. I've been trying so hard to keep it together, and I know I've been falling apart at the seams. 

I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for all the support. I am happy he has decided to try this, although I hope he can be what I need him to be. Understandably, if he cannot I hope he realizes that I must do what I need to do for me. I am glad the girls get to see their father, as they need him to be in their lives. He is a wonderful dad. He is a good friend, and a great lover to many others. 

We just don't know how to be together anymore. Its sad. Or maybe, I just don't know how to be with him anymore. Sometimes we sit and smoke outside and I sit in silence. At times I feel like I'm checking up on my teenage son. There are many times I wonder just what he is thinking and wonder whom he is thinking about. The Couple or Her? I try not to ponder and put ideas in my head because I'm not that obsessive. 

Have I been talking smack to him? Yes, in a playful way. Do I wonder sometimes if he takes me seriously? Yes. Do I wonder if he thinks this is really a good idea? Sometimes. Do I wonder if he is just biding time before the next girl drops her pants in front of him? Of course. But I have decided to forgive the past. I did not say 'Forget the Past'...