After having neglecting myself for some time. Well, not neglecting really... busy with work/licensing class and being a single mom. On top of it, due to my study hours, I hadn't been using my new dialating eye drops nightly that inturn caused my right eye to flare up again. My neglect.

I've started up my eye drops again, and right now I'm typing without my ability to read presently. I appologize for any misspellings/errors, as I cannot proof-read anything at this time.

As I had mentioned, things have been stressful studying for my Property & Casualty license. I had my second midterm on Friday scoring a 97. I have my final on Monday (which I will study for tomorrow when Jim's dad Richard has Olivia)... and my state exam is on Wednesday morning 8/2 at 9AM. Happy Birthday to me!

I was going to try and drive to NC with Olivia to visit Jim. Decided against it. Lots of reasons. No one in particular more valid than another, so in no particular order here goes: Too much in gas prices, no gas gauge to correctly determine when I need to gas up, being in a vehicle for 10hours min with a 11mo old will kill me, unable to drive certain hours because of my eye condition, not enough desire to go when Jim'll work every day I'm there ...

And so Jim was offered a job with his Neice's father at some FiberGlass place; I had initially thought it was a plastics company. He decided against it. Said it wasn't enough because the job wasn't guarenteed... even though it would allow him to come back to Binghamton and be with his family. He said he knows he'll have a job in NC but if he comes back up here he may not have a job in 3mo. Making me wonder if he wanted to leave us all along. Any excuse to escape his duty as a Father. Sending me up money does not constitute a good parenting. He deserted me. More than that, he DESERTED his daughter. He thinks this is best for 'us.'  No. This is best for him. Best for him not to quick smoking weed. Best for him not to have to worry about his behavior at work. I'm upset. I'm depressed. I'm disappointed.

At least I can say that I'm not scared. I know I'm a great mother to Olivia. If he wants to choose smoking over us, then so be it. I can't make him make the right choices. I can only hope. Obviously I've been so ... (fill in the blank here)

I thought he was working down there to make money, to help support his family. He has an opportunity to return to his family and he doesn't come running with open arms. I guess he's not the person I thought he was. Not the person I'd hoped he'd be.

I won't tell him this. I don't want him to feel bad for us. He knows I'm fully capable of taking care of Olivia, but I'll tell you this... after having lost 2 kids together, I personally would not want to leave the one I've got. I guess that's where we differ. I want Jim to do what's best for him. I don't need him to come back up here if he doesn't have a prospect for a job, if he doesn't have a desire to be with us, if he doesn't want to make the sacrafices he needs to for his family. I know I can do it. I have been putty in the past, but I'm starting to discover my legs. Some day I know I'll walk again. (Figuratively speaking).

Speaking of walking, Olivia still is not there. Been running a low grade fever for the past few days. Broke it 1x already, but it came back. Think she's teething. No other symptoms.

Wish me luck on my ecams. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems. I keep trying to stay positve. So much more could go wrong at any moment.