I have 90 points at work. 90. That's pretty much firing quota there. Seriously, >4 minutes late or 1 sick day and I am fired. Attempting to apply for FML intermittent leave and my specialist is giving me an issue? Maybe? He has to 'review' the paperwork to see if he'll do it. F*ck you buddy! Fix my damn eye then ignorant bastard.

I'm pissed. Blind angry pissed. I'm not usually this way, totally out of character for me. Worked yesterday with a fever, hot/cold flashes, diarrea, and vomitting for >50% of the working day. Came home, Terra had dinner made for the girls, sat and the smell of food didn't make me vomit for a change=good. Improvement. Went to bed earlier but Mr wouldn't watch the child so I took her to bed with me. She did eventually pass out, after I did. And after waking at 2am for a play session while I washed dishes to get over my constant anger at life.

Went to work, felt better. Less nausia and I kept my breakfast down. Toast. Working my way up to solids. Packed a lunch. Already had my desk cleared at work from yesterday. I almost walked out of the job at 3pm felt so bad. Seriously, if I'm that pale, that sick and I don't care about losing my job... you know I'm not right in the head.  Anyway.

So, I borrowed a book from Kristen. From now on to be known as LudaKris. Good book. I'll review once I'm finished. Went through the day without major mishap and probably had one of my better days. Got a pep talk from Sue + Ed, trying to make me feel appreciated when all I want to do is leave work. Lack of desire, lack of appeal, lack of interest. Lack of care really. Apathetic, but then my Motherly sensibility kicks in and I know I need to do this for my Baby. I need to do this for Olivia. I can't break now. I can't be irresponsible. I can't be a failure. I can't be that bad example. Why can't I kick myself in the ass and wake up from my nightmare? I'm in a bad situation. I want to wake up but I can't. Someone slap me. Someone burn me. Someone hurt me. I can't wake up.