Well, it's been a month since the 'mishap' or whatever I feel like calling it at the moment of reference. The day I died inside for the 7th time. I don't have anymore colorful metaphors. So I was going to move. Take my taxes, cut my losses, and move. Move on.

Part of me will never trust another human being again. Most of me knows I can never trust him ever again. All of me wants to forget this whole thing happened. But I can't. I don't believe he loves me. He can't love me and hurt me like this. He can't respect me and do what he did to me in my own house. That was the major motivator for moving. Moving on.

I love my baby and I'm not scared to raise her on my own. Hell, he left us once already within the past year and he was willing to throw it all away for someone else. Someone whom I love dearly and thank the gods trust with my 'everything.'

I have no more hatred. I have no more self-pity. I am empty. Empty and devoid of all feeling. Numb because I can't feel anymore passion. Sure I let myself be pleasured for the whopping 5 minutes, but I'm left feeling broken. I want to cry because I can't be happy. He puts me down. He puts me down. I feel like I am scared to happy ever. I don't deserve to be happy, even though I cater to most of his desires and frankly, he does not deserve it.

I miss Her and I miss Him. And I cried for them today. Cried for my late grandpa as well. Because I need the comfort of my tears. I can cry for them because I loved them. Because I still love them. Because they will always be a part of me. I cannot say that for Jim. He betrayed me beyonds mere words. I felt like every last bit of hope I had in me disapated.

I need to motivate myself for Olivia. I need to feel something for the sake of trying to get her out of a bad situation. I can laugh and pretend nothing phases me, but I feel sad beyond tears. I have despiration for Olivia. Despiration in wanting her to have a better life.

I smoked half a cigarette today. I haven't smoked since, well, 3+ years. It felt good, tasted aweful, and I want another.

We've got about 12" of snow outside and forecast says 1" every hour more for the next 4 hours. Great! (sense my sarcasm through the type?) I haven't worked since last Wednesday, and it's VD. Oh yeah, Happy VD (Valentines Day). I got Jim a FunDip hat. I got, nothing except an excuse. (shrugs) Aparently I'm a b*tch and always start the fights. I demand too much of him. (sigh)

/Enough/