Well, the title explains it all. I have accepted the risk of returning back to work. Accepted because I have no other alternative. So many people have been supportive and helpful while I've been out of work, but alas, after long debate, I have opted to return to work. Opted because I cannot support my daughter on my disability income and my landlord from NJ is uncooperative/unreachable for help with Medicaid/Assistance paperwork. He does not care because he's selling this house. The sooner it sells, the better for him because it would be one less hassle (or so it feels).

Still haven't brought up to Friend about the NSF fees incurred because of her bounced check on top of when she can pay us the balance of April. Came home last night to vent about situations with her soon to be deported boyfriend/father of her baby (maybe getting deported because his status is in limbo. Was denied and appealed, but appeal is waiting). She lived here since Sept and did not pay anything until Feb when she was receiving income from unemployment. When I need the help, I can't seem to get a dime without issues. Can't accept check anymore because of the returned check and she still should pay May's portions on Tuesday, which I know I will not see even though we need it for bills/rent.

Hopefully when she returns tonight, if she does come back tonight, I will have to bring it up matter-of-factly that I understand she has other issues, but she still hastn' finished April's dues and May is more than half over. If no payment is received, then no place to live. It's hard when it's a friend, but she has to understand, I supported my family and her with child.  I understand her issues, but life does not stop because people have issues. I know from experience. I still grieve.

It's hard when it comes down to this. I can't rely on any help from her, even though I opened my home to her without hesitation. I can only pray that I can still have a healthy baby, hopefully to term. I am at 18 weeks now. Previously lost at 19 and 20 weeks, and it's counting down. I have an ultrasound next Frieday, so I hope all holds in place with my returning to work. My dizzy spells will hopefully be maintained. And I'll try not to lose any more weight, per request from the Office, as I am consistenely losing weight at each visit, not good when I'm pregnant.

I can hope at least to carry this pregnancy past 24 weeks gestation, at the earliest, because at least then this child may have hope of survival. Jim's not happy I have to return, but he understands the situation. His hands are tied and he tries as much as he can, but it's beyond what we both can manage.

Okay, well... Thanks for listening/reading. I needed to vent. Tearless for the time being, although the more I think about the risk I'm putting myself and this child through, the harder it is for me not to just cry hysterically.

/end/