I have not seen her in a long time.  I felt the comfort of her smile, heard the softness of her voice, and knew the sad wisdom in her eyes.  I know that life experience shining through the brown of her iris' and the pain seeping from beneath.  I feel that pain every day.  The life experience, the wisdom, and the pain of true loss.  I live that depression and I commisserate.  I wanted to reach out and give her a hug, but I smiled back and hung my head. 

I know I am not the same person I was 10 years ago.  I know how decisions can alter perception and I know how the Risperidone changed my brain.  I am not schizophrenic; I am simply depressed.  I have been off my Zoloft for almost a year.  Some things go unsaid, and for good reason.  There is no need to label--no need to explain.

I sit silently and I feel compassion.  I sigh and know we are worlds away and yet we are the same person.  I used to smile in my eyes.  Lately I smile to be polite.  Maybe it is the pregnancy, or the hormones, or just life. 

As my little one is now sleeping, I think back upon my day.  I think back upon my life.  How fortunate I am to have her, and to have an opportunity to try again. 

I will awaken from this, I hope.  I feel like someone needs to come and shake me.  Wake! Wake! And yet I feel the somber blanket close tighter around almost like a welcome comfort.

-goodnight-