it never ceases to amaze me just how stupid i am. if i wasn't a paranoid schizo, untrusting, kniving, self-centered witch i wouldn't check up on him. amazing how i find secret email accounts and personal ad logins that he can't blame on anyone else, but somehow he finds a way to skirt the obvious. he's not happy with me. i don't blame him. i'm a fat ugly good for nothing nosy female dog. i wouldn't find this stuff if i wasn't snooping. i wouldn't snoop if he hadn't previously prooved himself unworthy of my affection, and yet i continue to pretend the games do not exist. and when i confront him, they disappear after long avoiding confrontation i quickly regain my ignorance because i find myself content without feeling. disppointed, yes. but more so in myself for forgiving so easily. i would never want to subject my children to such grotesque behavior so why do i endure? mainly because for all intended purposes i almost feel like i don't deserve any better. so many people have told me otherwise, but i just can't believe them. i hear them, but my heart does not feel it. instead i center my life around my children, almost trying to avoid the thing i need to do the most. i huddle myself around their love and affection for me hoping it will be enough to counter the pain i feel in the other direction. i hate myself for feeling this way. i hate him for making me feel this way. i hate the situation because i feel powerless to change it, although i know i can. intervention won't make a difference. i need to disappear. my health isn't the greatest, and i want to make sure that i leave my children in capable hands. he wants them and i keep trying to reassure him he will get them, but actions speak louder than words and even if he has no love for me, that does not give him the right to play with me. i love him. despite the hurt, the embarassment, the exhausion. i work myself to the brink of mental anguish on the job, with the kids, and emotionally strain myself in my relationship with him. sure i love the sex. he's great in bed, hardly feel the return compliment. i've mellowed. my wild streak is gone. i barely have desire. hard to feel desire when i feel so low. this is different than any other post because i feel different. i need an escape. i need a night without responsibility. i need a night without consequence. i need to feel free. i feel caged and trapped in my life. don't get me wrong. my kids are my job, my love, my life. it's the pressure of everything else weighing me down. i feel so heavy and i cry. i feel so depressed and i eat. i feel so tired and i sleep until the kids bog me down in their excitement. life doesn't stop just because i want to take a break. single moms out there, i pray for you. i love you and respect you more than i think you will ever know. active working parents i envy your enthusiasm and ability to keep it all under control. everyone else i missed, there are characteristics of every type i long for again but know i will never again retain.

for that lost soul that i speak of. i pray for help. i pray for sanity and wisedom. i pray that you will never feel the anger, rage, hatred, and sorrow i feel daily. i no longer know what to say to you. i try. it all comes out shallow. it all comes out business.

i say it and i mean it, i love you. and yet i cry as i write this. tears slowing paint my cheeks and i sigh. i can say no more about the situation except i know others are saying, 'i told you so,' and i nodd only to reply, 'you can't help the ones you love.'