It's not even worth mentioning much in detail. I'm done. Lets leave it at that. I've had enough being 2nd to everything else in this world. Tired of the lies and deception. Being held and being told how important I am but then in an instant have it all taken away. In an instant having the one person I thought I could spend the rest of my life with throw it all away. In an instant having the last 7 years thrown in my face. I've struggled so hard to make this work. So hard for so long to have it all crumble. To have it all die. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep having this false hope that he'll change and have him shove it in my face. Have him continually take advantage of my forgiveness. Not this time. This time it's over. I've never cared for anyone the way I cared for him. Despite how many times people have said I'm stupid for staying with him. Saying how I deserve better, but all I wanted was him. I can't. I just can't. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling this way. I know it'll be better if he was out of my life completely, but I can't take away his children. Despite how much I want to just take him to court for child support and screw him over, I won't. We'll work out a deal because I still, despite it all, have a soft spot for him.

I saw him cry today. Maybe out of desperation for the loss of his children. But he made the choice, he has to live with it. We all do. I have to continue to live in a house I bought for Us. I bought thinking we would grow old in this house Together, fix it up Together, this was Ours. And now it's just Mine. I'm sad, I'm mourning, but I know this is right. I need to free myself of him to feel again. Feel something other than pain again. Feel like I should feel. I used to think I was happy, and maybe I thought I was happy because I know how me makes me feel when he does this. And as long as I don't feel like this, then I think I'm happy.

I want my children to have a happy life. I want them to have healthy adult relationships. I can't live a lie. He's not sure about how he feels about me. If he was, then he wouldn't have kissed her. No matter how much he had to drink. He wouldn't have taken the pictures, saved them, and knowingly asked her if she remembered what happened... if he loved me. I don't hold it against her. I'm not made at her. I'm disappointed in the two of them, but I'm angered by him. He held me that night. Held me, but the entire weekend he's known what he did. Even If it didn't go any further, he knew what he was doing and what he did. He had ample opportunity to confess.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to admit you did something wrong.

Maybe it's about time I did something right. I can't forgive him again. I can't. I just can't.

We're not together anymore, and I catch myself still calling him 'hon'. It hurts. I did not go into work today. Many reasons, mainly just because I feel ill. Obviously I still don't matter, since he's kept 2 of the pictures he took. He's not willing to work it out, and I'm not sure if I really want it to anymore.

I am waiting for a call from the surgeons office regarding the scheduled biopsy with the radiologist. I had been freaking out a bit because the doctor said due to my age, without pre-existing family conditions, it is most likely cancer. He didn't even biopsy yet. Should have told me that it could be many things, and we'll do the biopsy to rule out cancer... or something like that. Don't make me any more anxious than I already am. It may be a fatty tissue buildup or an internal cist that's 7mm in length. Who knows. I don't need one more thing on my plate. Don't vent to me right now. I need some time. I don't want feedback. I don't want pity. I just wanted to get this out. I can't hold it in anymore. The pain is just overflowing.

I don't want to talk about it, so don't ask. I'll be fine.