It's always easier if I can pretend nothing happened. I'm tired of being used, and I'm so confused.

I fully believe that sometimes people are put together to learn lessons, lessons are then learned and people move on. I'm trying so hard to learn my lesson and have him learn his. I need strength.

He's agreed to couple counseling, and both agree he needs it personally as well. He validated his mistake and listed at the top of his con list his unfaithfulness, his untrustworthiness, and his lack of loyalty. He knows these are things he can work on.

I brought up the fact that perhaps it will be healthier to try the counseling while at separate residences to see if it is worth continuing.  He wants to work on it. I'm not willing to forgive. He's got feelings for her, but admitted he shouldn't have acted upon them. Admitted if he hadn't been drinking, he wouldn't have. I argued of course the point of the cover-up and continued lies, and deception. Even if she does remember and is trying to spare me by denial, I'm hurt regardless. I am disappointed in the situation, in him, in my own feelings in regards to forgiveness. It seems so easy, but I keep hearing his lies. I keep seeing no remorse. He needs to feel what I felt to understand. He needs to have it all taken away to really learn. Maybe then he can learn to be faithful. To know I deserve 100% devotion.

He wants to stay in the house, separate room, but wants to try counseling for help. Gave me till Friday to decide. I told him it's unhealthy for him to be here. I can't live under the same roof with him right now because of my own sanity. It's too confusing for me.

We stopped saying, "I Love You," but it slipped out during sex this morning. Yes. I had a moment of weakness. He slept in the other room, but it was need more than anything else that I think fueled it. Despair and he said ne needed me, pleaded with me... and I admittedly acknowledged the feeling. It was pleasurable, and confusing, and I cried. Probably not the best decision I've made thus far. Probably will not be the last.

We started discussing how we are to divvy up more of the expenses seeing as to the fact we've got insurance combined and further reviewed the options for vehicle possession. I can be strong. I can make the right decision. My children need me. I just hate the fact that I feel like crap. So much of me wants to just make him feel the misery of his mistake.

Sure it was just a kiss. But this was not the first time. This was not the only mistake. The lies compounded the pain. I can't think anymore. I can only feel and my feelings are making me sick. The Universe is telling me that something is wrong about this situation because I'm literally ill. I'm sick of feeling sick. I used to think I could forgive and forget, but I can't turn the other cheek. I know that's what the bible teaches, but I deserve respect. I deserve the truth. I deserve 100% devotion.

I know I need 3 things before I can ever move forward in my relationship with him ever again.

TRUST, LOVE, and RESPECT.

It will take a long time to regain those things. I can't forget easily. He used to tell me to just let things go. I forgave too many times for my own good. Too many too close together. Sure it's 7 years and I don't totally regret everything about those 7 years.

I need to be respected, loved and adored with 100% devotion, and I need to be trusted and be able to trust him. That'll definately be a long time coming.