I thought I was doing better than I am, I guess. She called because she was going to pick up dinner, I was laying in the couch and told Jim to tell her I was sleeping. Ended up taking a bath with Liv before she came so I had some time to relax. It does bother me they can talk like nothing happened. It bothers me that I'm still the only one affected by what happened. Dr said it would take some time.

She came to do laundry and then we all ended up going to Wal-Mart at 8:30pm, was hoping to get the new DS-but they couldn't sell it until 12am and I wasn't waiting there with the children until then. I became more and more irritated as time went on. He helped her pick out things for her dog and left me standing with the kids in a stroller and a cart for 10min a good 20ft away while he 'helped' her. Couldn't bring Liv, I guess. Didn't bring the cart, dunno why since she had to put what she was buying in there anyway. Just irritated me.

I became angry and he asked me why I was being mean to him. Why I was angry. I told him he doesn't realize how hard this was on me. I'm sorry I have a conscious and I am still very hurt. It's only been 2 weeks. Or course I'll still be angry. He said he understood why I was becoming more irate as the evening progressed, but I don't feel like he really understands. I starting yelling and grinding my teeth, over simple little things. I had my voice barely above a whisper to keep an even tone, and then would get irritated when he didn't hear me. I was trying not to cry. I was trying not to have a breakdown.

She's to come over tonight again to finish her laundry. I can deal with them both separately, but together... I think I can't handle it yet. I have to have a sit down with the two of them and explain. I can't heal properly if I'm constantly presented with the possibility that something more may eventually happen between them. It irritates me she calls and talks with him when I am unavailable. It irritates me that neither of them seem to acknowledge that I'm still hurting.

I can pretend I'm fine, on an average day, but I think it's starting to wear on me. I'm not okay. I'm not accepting of their friendship right now. I understand mistakes happen, and both have agreed not to drink around each other... but truthfully I can trust neither. Truthfully, I just want to have them hate each other so it'll be easier on me. Truthfully, I'd rather separate them until I can be comfortable in my own skin.

He says it won't be a problem, being friends with her still. Having her around the house. She is one of my closest friends, but at the same time... she hurt me. I still don't know the extent of the truth of her denial of the incident. I still believe with about 80% of my being that she knows exactly what happened and that's why she's acting in this manner. She feels bad for hurting me so she's around. She feels guilty, but at the same time... she can't stay away. She's still hurt with everything from Mark and now she's not even getting sex from him so she's around a lot again. Again, this worries me.

This is not healthy. When she comes over this evening I'll have a personal talk with her. I'll tell her I can still maintain my friendship with her, but presently I can't be around the Her and Him at the same time. I don't want them to hide their friendship. That'll just be another lie, more complications, and lead to possibly more betrayal. I can't be hurt again. I can't handle the thought of a repeat or even progression of what happened just because I tell them both to stay away from each other right now.

I'm scared that I tell them to stay away and they'll both want each other more. I have to trust them and the trust is not there right now for either of them. Dr says it will definately take some time, but I'm starting at a -156 instead of from Ground 0. It's worse than starting over because now I'll have this feeling, this thought in the back of my head. Lately it's been surfacing and shoving its way to the front, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that she's calling a lot more again. He doesn't usually answer the phone when she calls and I'm around ignoring it myself.

*sigh* It is time to go to work.

I am grateful for my family, my wonderful children, the good friendship and loved ones that I can turn to for support,and the trust I have for the others in my life. I am grateful for the new job opportunity and the experience I have gained from AIG. I am grateful for the Tai Chi class and the motivation to better my life. I can do this.