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4/6/2008 - Copied from MySpace blog...
Public: I’m just venting below.

I’m not doing additional therapy with him. There’s no point. I’m beyond trying to help us. I’ve decided that if he can’t wait for me to learn how to trust him, how to be friends with him before lying and trying to hook up with someone else (in my own house on a computer I just bought),then I don’t need to do joint couples therapy with him. We’ve got nothing to work on. Nothing to salvage. I can be decent with him because of the girls. There’s nothing else. This is beyond repair.
Unfortunately I don’t have a working car. Actually, both road worthy cars are in his name, and the one isn’t drivable presently. Hopefully he can get that fixed or I’ll bring it to the shop to have someone else fix it so he can get out.
I told him in January it would take me a long time to be able to trust him again. That I loved him but we had to start from ground zero because of the kiss (and half-naked pictures and lies). He said he wanted to work on it. I was trying to forgive him, but now I see he doesn’t need my forgiveness. He doesn’t need my love. He doesn’t need my friendship for that matter. He can’t wait for me to get over what happened. He can’t be faithful, honest, or responsible. Did I mention he’s unemployed-again. Long story, but I get tired of the long stories because its like that with every job. I listen. I try and be supportive, but I can’t worry about him anymore. I need to worry about me. That’s his problem now.
I’ve spent the past month trying to recover from a serious illness and surgery. I don’t need him to try and blame me for his faults. For his actions. There’s not excuse or justification. He had his reasons for cheating to begin with. Obviously nothings changed. I’ve always been faithful. I’ve always tried to be a family to him. I just bought a new computer-which was for the house, when I wanted to save it as backup money ’just in case’. I just signed us up for a family share plan verizon cell phones with a 2 year commitment.
I slept in Olivia’s room last night, and am about to sleep in there again. It’s not that I haven’t asked him not to sleep in the same bed as me. He just brings Liv to sleep with me and she has him lay next to her. So we all end up in the same bed. When I get up to feed the baby, I move to a new bedroom.
He’s lucky I’ve been letting he sleep in there since January. Even with the anger previously, he on’t slept apart from me 2 nights. 2 nights. I can’t look at him anymore without being angry. Knowing I don’t deserve how I’ve been treated. Knowing he’s not going to change. He tries to justify what he’s done. You can’t justify a lie. You can’t justify when you said you wanted to work things out and you’re not even giving me a chance to forgive you.
I’m not sorry I started a new job. I can’t help I got seriously ill needing hospital stay and surgery, almost lost my job, and am playing catchup with my career right now. Even my employer is giving me a chance to redeem myself because of my hiatus. I blame you. I blame you for making me feel this way. I blame you for lying, saying you wanted to work this out, and not giving me time to forgive you.
If you knew then you wouldn’t change, you shoulda just moved out. Although you probably still would have been unemployed right now digging yourself a bigger hole, but that’s not for me to worry about. I need to thinkg of the responsibility I have to my children.
I’m definately done. I know now there’s nothing left. You haven’t given therapy a chance to work. We took a break for a while because I hadn’t had insurance, but since Medicaid was recently approved and I brought up the other day about continuing the sessions... I now see that’s pointless. I have nothing to work out with you. I will not be your friend. I will tolerate you for the sake of our children, but I will not forgive you for wronging me.
You had your motivation. You obviously can’t stop yourself from being unfaithful. I have plenty of words, but most will never see the light of day. I can’t be with someone that continues to have drug issues, couldn’t prioritize to not smoke in the house on a regular basis (although that’s recently improved-its not enough). Too little too late I’m afraid.
I’m to the point where previously I would think to myself that in 5 years+ down the road, if he’s changed, if he can prove himself again we might be able to work out. I’m beyond that now. I know I will never and can never have that respect for him anymore. Can never and will never have that trust for him anymore. As previousl stated in a prior post, I know this will never be forgotten. And I know I no longer have it in me to forgive.
I’m going to start my own therapy sessions again once I can find a counselor to fit my schedule. Sis and I have Tai Chi 2x weekly starting next week, so that’s exciting. That’ll help me. I like how I feel after class. It’s exhilerating, calming, and refreshing.It’s probably the closest thing to happy I feel lately, besides when I hear my babies laugh.
I need to hold onto my ’happy’ and focus on what I can do to improve my life and the lives of my children. I’m their rock. I’m their shelter and their main support. I need to lead by example. I guess that’s why I haven’t brought this up with anyone really. They’ve all been supportive of me even though they were pushing for the split in January. It just took me now to realize that some people never change.
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