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Journal about motherhood, working, and everyday life. Dealing with the balance of life and depression... as well as making difficult decisions.
I've written under several names, Gabriel's Daughter, Linaklutz, Olivia's Mommy... it does not matter what name I use, it's still the same. Welcome to the DarkLight Abyss.
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Lately I've hadn't the time nor energy to feel anything but exhaustion. Between work anxiety with the 'was' pending strike of the IBEW/CWA negotiations for the contract that expired 8/2/08, on my birthday. But we're working under the old contract next week as negotiations continue. Financial hardship really since I missed pay from March because of my illness and surgery, and still catching up slowly, but we're catching up.... As you can see I'm trying to work on my credit. Also Jim's been back home with the girls since end of June. Had put in applications places, few call backs. I had a part time weekend call back for Hampton Inn scheduled for this coming Tuesday 6:45am. Since I'm working 8-6 at Verizon it's nice the manager is willing to meet with me before my scheduled shift. It's kitchen/breakfast associate, but it's part time weekends for about 6 hours a day, and if it'll help me catch up, then that's all that matters. I am working OT at VZ already, but it's burning me out. It's just the repetition. I feel bad for the kids, it's like they hardly see me anymore. Poor Jim has the kids all day. I'm so fired up lately and over tired, I can't sleep at night. I'm exhausted throughout the day, and I can't take sleeping pills for fear I won't hear the baby if she needs me. Didn't do anything special for my B-day. shopped for household things, cooked dinner, had only about 6hours of sleep in the past 48hours. I don't know what's wrong with me. Just trying to keep afloat. I don't even want to play nice or pretend anymore. Physical relationships have been strenuous and emotional ties have seemed very distant. I am sorry to my friends for not being there. I'm just, beat. Beaten down, but not out. I'm not so young anymore. I used to be able to handle less sleep and more 'work' 8 years ago. although the kids and my health issues are compounding factores. I'm just not young anymore. My age is upon me. |
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