Its been a while since i've put some new pics of my girls on here... so here are a few. i'm so proud. my beautiful babies. they are my pride and joy. my reason. my motivation. my love

-My wrist has been bothering me lately, too much typing. Need to do something about the carpotunnel.

-Full from party-Gram's 80th surprise party at Aunt Bruna's, was nice. Kids behaved, for the most part.

-Nother long week ahead, 3 days with OT. Early mornings. At least the pay will be nice. Was told I'm suppose to get my pay raise this coming week which they did not give me in this week's check. I'll have to also watch for the OT I worked last week, after 6pm, some coworkers gave me the heads up to watch the hours, as some time it can be 'overlooked.'

-Liv got another Barbie, ballerina barbie, she can't live without it. Left it at Tita's house, and she kept saying, 'I need it mom.' I told Tita I'll pick it up tomorrow. She finally gave up when she realized I wasn't going to cave. Finally.

-K is sleeping. she was such a good happy full baby today. I'm glad. Lots of love.

-Saw Aunt Cathy, and it was nice. Love and Miss her. I love that the fam can be close. It reminds me of my childhood.

-Had a dream about Gramps last night. Prolly b/c I knew I was going to see Grams today. He was eating Potatoes. I love potatoes. He asked for more, took the bowl, smiled, and piled it on his plate. I love him. I miss him. Its been 2 months since I've visited his burial-place. I have to look up to see him, and in the sun, it's painful, just my eyes. Liv was in the car sleeping that morning. And I cried. I cry a lot when i think about him.

-Then I think I should see grams more often. She made a joke today about seeing me in 6 mo b/c there aren't any b-days near, and I smiled. but it hurts. I feel guilty. I love her, and i'm glad she's alive. but i also have 2 young children, and i work full time. i have a home and commitments around the house.

-saw Hope today, short reunion at Wallie-World with my shy gal Liv. Baby O. She hasn't seen her since she was a little over a year old. Lily and Terra were with us, that was well over a year ago.

-I'm not good with keeping in touch with people. if you want to get a hold of me, call me. if you think about meeting up, know i have my girls, and they're my priority, and if you desire my friendship know they're a package deal with me and where I go, they go. and... and... how many more can i fit in. hahah. I just don't have the time to pick up the phone during the day, and when I think about my friends, it is late night or inconvenient. it's not that i don't value our friendship, it's that you know i take motherhood seriously.

-Sis got me back into Tai Chi. it's nice. painfully sore, but has the desired effect. i feel so vitalized afterward, then I need to soak in the tub. *laughs heartily*

-United front at home. 7 years. ups and downs. mostly downs. i guess we have to start somewhere. somes days have been hard wondering when enough was enough, and how strong do i have to be to handle the heartache. now, i'm trying, but at the same time trying to ignore how i've been feeling again lately. not the best approach, but sometimes my ignoring is the best. i'd rather not fight. i'd rather not start that argument down that road again...

-i'm over worked, feeling under appreciated. stressed. broke.

-No, that's not right. I need to rethink myself a moment.

-I'm organized finacially and mindful of expenses, gaining strength in personal time management skills, and secure in a new life balance.

Tomorrow is Gram's 80th B-day, and nothings planned yet for a fiesta in her honor. I'm not going to bug out over it. I would like to do something, but heck, I can't even worry too much about the kids' birthday part I need to schedule in Sept. I am trying to destress.

In Sales training at work. Not sweating that either.

Had a part time job to start next week, but I can't overwork myself. Sis is right, I shouldn't have to worry about it. He should. I spent today cleaning upstairs including rearranging Liv's room, empying the kitty litter which only gets done 1x per week when I have the time to do it, loading the dishwasher, doing 2 loads of laundry on top of folding the 2 loads that were in the basket from last week, and mothering the kids this afternoon solo since Jim's out of commission. He fell of the roof this morning. This is going to be a long week.

*Sigh* i can't even vocalize anymore.

I found out last Tuesday I have cataracts in my left eye because of the daily use of the steriod for the Iritis/UVitis treatment. No choice but to continue it, making the cataracts worse, because if I stop the steriod it could cause glaucoma or blindness. 27. I'm 27 years old. I'm lucky for my two beautiful laughterfilled children. My little pretty pretty princesses. I have this terrible fear I'll end up blind and at their graduation ceremonies I won't be able to see them. On their wedding days the guests will tell me just how beautiful my baby girls look, but I won't be able to see them. a little eye surgery will help the cataracts, but I need to find a way to manage my Iritis. There's only so much that can be done when I have a chronic condition with the required treatment causing other conditions.

I think this worry, this on top of many others is why I'm so short with him lately. Why I'm angry all the time. Why I'm frustrated in general. Everyone has a struggle, everyone has a story. I can admit I am lucky for what I do have. And I have a wonderful family willing to help and who stands by me no matter what. I just take one day at a time. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. I exhale, and I force a smile. I force a smile while the tears slowly roll down my cheeks. I'm a drama queen, don't listen to me.

Well, I need to check on my lasagna in the oven. Yes, I am also cooking lasagna with everything else today... I can manage. I hope.

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