Friday! 

Saturday we're having a small gathering for Kara's birthday, which isn't until next week. 

I'm still waiting for a phone call, I've been waiting since yesterday. *sigh* I guess we'll see what happens.

I hope I get the orientation information by Monday next week! Hoping to start there by end of next week.

Terra's grandma is in the hospital. Kidney failure and coughing up blood. Prayers go out to her. She's 82. ((hugs Terra)) She has enough on her plate with immigration and court dates next week, and this is another stress. Hoping things work out for the best.

I dislike waiting for calls! Grr.

Wow, that call... that text, totally through me for a loop. 

Heart don't fail me now. 

Talked with Maya, of course. That was the first long distance call I made from the home number since I got here! Hahah, Was definitely worth the effort. Went to BJs to get food, waiting for Liv to get home, do homework, then gotta run to Burlington. Have to do some clothes shopping. I need Khaki's and red dress shirts (not sheer or t-shirts). Excited to have a new job!

How am I doing? That was not a question I had expected. And not one I gave a real answer to either. I hadn't expected... Should I be concerned? How are you dong?

I am still healing from the pain. I am in a good place right now. Am I ready? I haven't spoken to you like that in.... Are we friends? I can't figure out what we are anymore.

I can't set myself up for failure. I don't want to fail. What are your intentions?

*sigh* Logic, don't fail me now. I have a road ahead of me. I have just overcome a hurdle and I see a few paths in front of me. I will not check list the pros and cons because I honestly cannot fathom what each path has in store. I can hope I choose the right path. Does the right path choose me?

Something was off with me last night. Feeling the energy rise and fall, I accept that which the Goddess has given and that which the God has taken away. 

I have let a part of me die. Accepted and moved on. Sometimes in the death a new organism can grow, but is that a seed of bitterness or a seed of understanding?

What you do with your life is your own problem. I hate to hear about the troubled times, but its honestly no longer my concern. I care, I do. Its not that I will ever stop caring, it is that it is no longer my priority. You don't know what you had or what you left behind. Don't concern yourself with this, just keep your end of the bargain. If that is too much to ask, then maybe you have bigger problems than you realize. 

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes a way to look at it is that it is just grass. You still have to mow it, maintain it, water it... but its still grass. Everything takes effort and you get what you give.

I no longer have an open door policy. I no longer have that open heart to you. I can still feel pain, but I no longer let it control me. 

I can plan for the future. I can accept advances from other men. I can lift my chin and start to open my eyes.

I know there will be rainy days. I know there will be days so bright my eyes will burn. I know that, and accept that. I find more respect and love in the friendships I choose to cultivate. I find more fun in the moments of laughter. I find more peace in the simplicity. I find more appreciation for my situation. 

I know some day there will be someone that will accept me for who I am. That will love me and my children like their own. I know that what I thought was a dire circumstance is a chance for improvement. Not a new beginning, because beginnings entail a concrete end. I understand that I will have to maintain civil contact and as much as I'd like a friendship, I understand that I cannot be that friend to you. Not right now. 

This is a silent soliloquy.

Job interview today with Target went well! Job offer was extended. Now, don't laugh when I say it... but I'm a truck unloader! Working 4am-8am part time, seasonal start... but it seems to be a better option for me. I can continue to concentrate on school. continue to get the aide I applied for... 

The staffing assignment through Staffmark fell through. Should not have surprised me considering they were iffy on the details when they signed me up. Turns out they misinterpretted the client's needs, and i was put on standby... (and they apparently don't need me or the second group that was starting a different day). It was only a 3 day assignment, but the money was good. I won't start the new job until next week... Ugh, the drug test. I dislike piss tests. I'd rather a hair sample. 

Jim was apparently bogged down at work b/c of issues w/ the PC at work? He never called the girls today. Didn't call all weekend... and its taking its toll. Poor Kara broke down bawling that she's never going to see her Daddy again. I keep reminding her that she's going to visit him after her birthday (pending he sends money so I have gas money to get there-and money for the bills). I also reminded the girls that he loves them, he was just busy at work today and he will call them tomorrow. She cuddled to me telling me she wants to move back to the green & white house, and I told her that we have a great place here with a new start to a better life. I also told her that thinkgs will get better, she has Me and Olivia, Grandma and Grandpa...

She'll be 4 and change is difficult. She hasn't been the one having the trouble. She seemed oblivious to the pain before, but I see now that she's been hurting the whole time.

I can only be here to support her. I know she's been having separation anxiety from me. Especially when I leave for job interviews, have to do school work, etc. I know she will be okay. We all will be. I have made it to a better understanding of circumstances to a place where I can be ok.

It is nice to have some peace with my solitude. I am no longer looking for someone to validate who I am. I am comfortable with me and what I have accomplished. I have an idea where I want to go in life, and I understand that there can be changes and I will be okay with that too.              

Today I woke up with a feeling of acceptance. For the first time in over a month I felt happy. Well... yeah. I can say that. I realized today that I will be okay. I no longer need to feel depressed about what is happening and what has happened. I can accept the events as they are and move on. 

I don't know for sure what's going on with my temp job and apparently neither does the staffing agency. lol. I will find out at the latest at 1pm. Apparently they will call me after 10am and tell me what the plan is, which will likely entail going to the Convention Center and figuring things out from there. *shrugs*

9:00am I have to go to Target for an interview, that Megan tried to reschedule-but couldn't because I cannot come in any other time! She forgot about a meeting they have, but she told me to come in anyway. lol. Okay. Things just didn't seem to add up today... but I was able to handle the ups and downs! Hooray.

I think this is a sign of a positive future. I even managed to go to the mall without a panic attack. I went to Macy's makeup counter... and can I tell you, I haven't worn makeup in 10+ years... this was quite an experience! All for a tattoo cover up I may not need after all. Hahah, but what an experience!

They did not have what I needed, so I called Trade Secret on my way out. They recommended a store call Ulta which was amazing. The specialist tried on different types of foundation and concealers, different shades... and ha, that was difficult! I don't know how people do this all the time. How do they do it for a living?! It was quite an experience, and $78 later I got outta there, and that was cheap compared to everything else. Its Dermablend, and I'll need like 4 coats, but it does work.

Not something I'm looking forward to when my kids get old enough. I'll have to bring them to a makeup specialist to do it for them. It was a nice treat today though. And I needed a treat! Apparently I have 'suntan' skin tone. LMAO, depends on the brand, of course. And my skin color is more golden than pink. Seriously though, with how mixed the American population is... I didn't think finding a foundation would have been so hard.

I understand things better today. I understand that Jim can't be alone. And I'm okay with that. I am also okay with the fact that I am becoming a better person. I also don't have to feel broken. And I am okay with that! I felt bad for not feeling bad, and then I realized that I am over it. He hasn't given me any of the money he was suppose to, and well... it hurts him. It will hurt the children more when they can't see their Dad... or when he stops calling, but they will always have me. I am making changes in my life for me. I am being better for me.

I have have a GREAT day! And I deserve it. Thanks to Sis for checking in on me. I appreciate it. *smiles* 

Is this what Acceptance feels like? If so, I can do this! I have so much to offer in this world and I won't let these changes stand in my way. I am amazing. I am wonderful. And I deserve to be happy. And I don't feel guilty. 

Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and then Karma comes around to straighten things out. Things happen for a reason. Jim helped me through a portion of my life journey and now our paths separate. He will go his way, and I mine. And I am okay with that. No tears. No reservations. Just acceptance. A calming peace. A calming knowledge.

If he asked me today if he could come down... my answer would be No.     

I don't feel like recapping the day. I suppose my headache is over ruling my body at this point. I say headache, but its my eyes. Yes... those wonderous things that allow me sight are again aching into the base of my cranium. Not just one, both. Hoping I can sustain before I have another flare-up. Hoping the auto-immune doesn't rear its ugly head again... Waiting for insurance, again. This time, I guess I'll finish the lupus testing. I have nothing else to lose.

I have a temp job. Wed 1-5pm, Thurs-Sat 7am-9:30pm at $15/hr. I get free food, and paid parking... but ugh, the long hours. I need the money. Bills to pay. I want to go up to NY 10/22 if I'm not on another assignment. Visit some friends. Jim'll have the girls until Nov 5th. Its gonna be hard on me. I'll probably cry every day and want to call every 15 minutes... but I have to be strong. I don't have the security I felt when I was in Australia. My family is broken. 

I will handle it like I handle everything else right now. Thank goodness for good friends. So the 22nd made plans w/ Terra to celebrate her 30th birthday, and hopefully Manuel's stay in the states. Plan on crashing at her place b/c will be out drinking a ton. Maya can't come-husband said no, but Dan plans on it. Should be a good time. 

Hoping to get a part time job vs a full time job. sure the money would be better full time, but i'd lose the other benefits. is it my decline? moral decline? i don't see it that way. if i was given $100,000 would it change who i was? my severance package from Verizon didn't change me. And that was 1/3 of that. Its all gone, mind you... but so isn't the complications. Still complicated w/ the house though. Still complicated with Jim though.

God, why did I bring him up? There's that feeling again in the pit of my stomach. "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" (Adele, 2010). 

An old classmate posted something wonderful on Facebook today... The quote is as follows:

"The reason she finds it so hard to let go of something that makes her sad... is because its the only thing that once used to keep her happy..."

This really spoke to me today. In ways that I could not have verbalized because my pain is to personal. It would be great if I could just turn it off. Turn it off like I had so many other things in the past. I finally let myself fall in love, and I get this. *shakes her head* 

*Deep breathe* On another note, I opted not to go out driving today. I had enough issues with the panic attack yesterday, and with his status update I did not trust myself. I'll be honest. I seriously thought I was doing so well. And then he breaks me. Every step I make forward, one move from him and I feel defeated. This separation is completely demoralizing. 

I cannot let him control my life like this. I cannot let him win. I love him, yes. But I deserve to be happy. In this moment, he is not making me happy. He cannot control my life when he wants to be separated. Why am I letting him control me from 600 miles away? Why am I letting his actions affect the choices I make in my life? I love him, yes. But I will let myself let go.

its not like jim had not discussed his girlfriend with me. i knew it was coming, but to see him update his facebook status from single to in a relationship hit me harder than a ton of bricks. i couldnt force myself out of the house. i wanted to crawl into a hole and die. ugh. why cant i just give up already......

i will post more later because i need some therapy. his interest changed... why do i secretly still pine for him.... today is definitely not my day.

Went back out tonight with Mom. She seemed to have noticed my episode was bad enough to warrant a returned trip to the mall. Enough to make it just the girls. I survived. This time, minimal damage. I did not run screaming and crying, hiding my head between my knees. I put my chin up and marched to my enemy. 

I had not realized how much fear is involved with change. No one ever talks about how scary it is to be removed from one's comfort zone. Sure I have people to connect with. Most of my support system is in NY though, where I am most comfortable. Sure I lived in NC before, but this is in a different area and it is starting new, again. Change is scary. 

Going back out of my comfort zone was probably the best for me. I did not want to return, but I had to 'get back on the (figurative) horse again...' 

I felt so dirty and drained from the panic attack early today. It is so stupid. I know we all have our way of dealing with things. And I know this is hard... but I can't hermit myself up because some guy ruined me. I never let anyone have that much control over my life before. He never had that much control over my life before, why am I letting him control me like this from 600 miles away? My love is crippling.

I hope from this he learns to be a better man. For whomever he marries. I hope from this I learn that I can survive and I hope I am never too bitter to love again.

It may seem like small fries. It really is, but my depression is normally crippling. Changes to someone like me who is very structured make any little change a huge ordeal. The changes in the last month have basically left me a shell of my former self. Why do I still think about him?! 

I needed some motivating music because I need to get over this hump. I know what I am doing with my time. It sucks because I still think of him. I still love him. He is ignoring me because he is moving on. Did I mention the girlfriend?! I'm feeling like a donkey. 

"After all you put me through, You’d think I’d despise you. But in the end I want to thank you. Because you made me that much stronger. " ...  http://youtu.be/PstrAfoMKlc

The 22nd is near approaching. I have never been without the girls for this long and not for these means. I left them for Australia because I thought I still had a life to return to, a soon-to-be-husband that loved me, and a future. Now I will be taking them to see their dad after my baby turns 4 for their visitation. I still have yet to get child support, and my foolish attempts at maintaining a friendship with him are diminishing. For better or for worse. 

I will get back on that Horse. I will regain some confidence. I cannot let myself fall a victim to this depression. I did it once before. I did it because I lost the will to fight. Things are different now. I cannot and I will not let this defeat me. I am a fighter. His words cut deep, his actions cut deeper. And I am still bleeding. A month later, and I have not bled dry. 

Someone asked me today how I NC was. Why did my eyes water and my insides quiver like I was about to start another panic attack? She meant it genuinely. Wow. I guess this is another bad day.

Saw Lil Sis and her fiance for a bit, as they came in late last night and left after lunch at 2pm today. We had family portraits done. Although I'm not very fond of pictures, they did appear to turn out good. We'll have to see the final cut when it comes in.

I realized today as Mom was driving us to Triangle Town Center Mall that I actually have barely left the house since I got to Raleigh. I hadn't realized the avoidance until today. I realized there has been a lot of reasons why. I still tear up in public. There's a grapefruit that climbs up my through and lodges itself. My hands start to tremor, my eyes stream, and I get hot. My stomach quivers and I can't control my leg twitches. I am on the verge of a panic attack. 

The thought of moving on makes me panic. I just cleared the old LG phone so I could send it back to Verizon for the gift card. Cleared off all the girl's numbers and pictures from his old phone. I know this is better. He was a cheater and had no respect for me. I know this is better because I can't live with his infidelity. I could live with the fact that he has female friends, heck, I have male friends. But I don't look at them the way he looks at his girls. I guess, I know there's a part of me that never will get over that insecurity with him. Not now. He left. He did it once and he'd do it again. He's never coming back and I need to get over it.

I need to find a way to get over the panic attacks. Sunday I plan on driving out. Just me. Hope I don't end up in tears in the middle of a highway somewhere. I did not realize how unstable I still was. I was doing so well, but when I'm only going here to WalMart, or Human Services, or Liv's School.... its my comfort zone. I need to push outside my comfort zone to survive. I don't want to have to commit myself, but honestly, the way I'm feeling I need to. 

I wish there was an Angel that would steal away my sorrows. A miracle that could heal the broken heart and provide a sense of peace. I realized that even with all the friends and the nice conversations, there is a part of me that has to do this on my own. Love is my demise. 

I go to another staffing agency Monday. I try not to think about him so I can make it through a day. I think clearing his phone made this a little too close, again. I still have his paperwork in the filing cabinet and I'll have to give it to him when he has visitation. Life will never be the same again. I had been stealing away time with my denial. I had been stealing away the heartache through moments, and I must force a life to move on. I will spend my Sunday trying to overcome the panic. I never knew I was this off... I am worse than I thought, but... there's only up from here, I suppose. Please let me not crack.