End of first week

Its been one week since he went back to ukraine.i must b mad to give him a second chance. in de first place, long distance relationships are hard enough.now add to de fact, he cheated.i feel like i'm going mad. the only thing keeping me going is his support through chats and smses and miss calls. fuck the world. why did it happen to me? y our relationship never have easy times?

i dont un at all. everything against us since the start.isit God's way of saying nope he's not yours? then why do i love him so much?

5:35 PM - September 18, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

My 'new' life

i din write for a damn long time coz we were working things out.between balancing studies and really long tearful discussions and hugging each other for support, i really didn't have time to write. i guess i'm still living life bravely. only not alone now.i think it would be easier doing it alone coz then i don't have to worry about anyone hurting me. i know alot of ppl think that i can't let him go because i'm afraid to be alone, but i passed that phase. i know it is love. it is not that i am scared to let go. its true i am unwilling to let go. but that is because i realize i love him. the same as last time. my love didn't change. but a lot of other emotions came in. all negative. all terrible. the pain is so much more horrible now. it was easier before because i could say that i dont have to care what he does. we're broken up. i just want to forget him. who cares if he slept with whole of ukraine. but now, i have to care, coz he is still with me. and the terror of the future is even more scary than the pain of the past. what if he cheats again. what if he lies again. what if i just setting myself up for a big fucking hurt again. but i DO know this. as terrified as i am, i want to take the risk and give him another chance. even with my sceptism and paranoia, and pessimism (i'm a very untrusting person), i believe he is telling the truth now. i believe he really regrets. and i believe he really never wants to cheat again (whether he can really do it is another matter, and a damn large fear).

The main problem is that this is a long distance relationship and he is a young man in a country where having sex is like having a meal. i know i am mad to want to try again. but when i think of it, i love him. i believe he loves me. the reason we lasted the last 3 years on a long distance relationship is because of this love. the reason we wanted to continue a long distance relationship is because we dont want to let the love go. the question is, is our love strong enough and special enough to last another 3 years of long distance relationship after he has cheated? once a spouse has cheated, even couples who are together physically tend to break up. What more us, 2 young people, not tied by children or marital vows, and long distance to boot.

but then, i think of this:

1. we have been together for 6 years and have an agreement not to have sex because both are still studying. He has never pressured me to have sex even though he really wanted to at times.

2. even when he is attracted to other girls and have urges, he stops the sexual images in his head because he thinks that is cheating (admittedly he told me this, but i think he's telling the truth coz he told a lot more worse things)

3. he has been loyal for the past 3 years in a country where sex is available to anyone at the snap of a finger.

4. he stuck by me even though the first 3-4 years i really took him for granted.

5. He understands about my paranoia and inability to trust (its pathological but i'm trying hard to normalize it) and tries his best to reassure me although it frustrates him often.

The pain will be there for a fucking long time. there are so many things i have pain about, so many emotions. i'll have to use writing and this blog to heal myself. i dont care if nobody reads my boring blog but i need it to vent out my sadness and fears and also share my joys.

To end, after 2-3 weeks of open communication, both realize that both have made many mistakes, taken each other for granted etc. many of our mistakes were the same. i'll come to my mistakes later. but we came up with a recipe for our relationship.

OUR RECIPE

1. Honest Relationship: No lying, hiding or keeping secrets from each other.

2. Never close up and withdraw.

3. Always be there for each other.

4. Avoid all risky situations.

5. Be each other's best friend.

6. Look towards each other for happiness.

7. Keep in constant contact.

8. Admit mistakes immediately and never ever, ever cheat on each other in any way.

9. Always be alert to surroundings and self-analyze for hidden reasons.

10. Don't take each other for granted.

God, pls let us be able to work this out. Please let him be for real. pls let him be sincere.

1:34 PM - September 11, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

beautiful day

today was the most wonderful day. i'm sorry to tell everyone that was rooting for me dat me and my ex made up. i thought about it maximum and realized that fuck! i love him. no reason 4 loving him especially after all that happened. at first i thought that i was afraid to be alone and just afraid of life. but after i've adapted to single life and actually enjoy the lack of burden of a relationship, i realized that i DO love him. its real love. shit. and i decided that, even though i know there's a high chance he'll cheat again and i'm just setting myself up to fall so so hard again, i'm going to give him a chance. fuck the consequences. we both did alot of talking, not only today. for the past 2 weeks, it was like talking, just talk talk talk and i was so confused, so terrified of making the wrong decision. but yesterday, we decided to not just give it a try, but to put our maximum effort into it. because it IS a long distance relationship and only love is never enough but with hard work and effort, it could be wonderful. Nothing comes for free rite? the best thing is that, i didn't need to tell him all this. he already thought about him. he seems to have REALLY matured. he thought of everything and really did some serious self and life analyzing. i was amazed and touched.

' i am the cause of all your pain and sorrow. i want you to be happy again. and i want to be the one to make u smile again. and i want to be there to see it." those were the words that was my undoing. i know it might be sweet talk. but it doesnt seem like it. and actually, no matter wat, i'm willing to take the risk anyway. just pray to God that we will be ok. pray to God that we will be together. because, today, our first day together after the big break up, i finally felt like i belong again. and so did he. we didn't do anything the whole day, just roamed the city, talking, having drinks and 3 mcD! went shopping, did alot of walking coz we wanted to save money, and after discussing and talking serious stuff, we took breaks. we had a beautiful lunch date. actually we didn't do anything much at all. but it was so beautiful and i feel so much joy radiating from inside. i think it will be ok. we will be ok. both grew up and realized alot of the mistakes we made. and both love each other enough to want to try our very very best to work it out. both are stronger now. and both matured.

i pray to God. Help us to be strong. Let us be meant for each other.

11:16 PM - August 15, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment

So sad and confused

6:14 PM - August 10, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

Are all guys like that?

5:09 PM - August 7, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

buzy weekend, happy heart

i've had a great weekend the exam that day went great! i never thought i would be 4th highest in my class! i seriously expected to fail. i think the examiner was too lenient. anyway, thank God i didn't fail but i'm not gonna let the high grade lull me into a false sense of security. i still have a long way to go and i'm raring to go! it's a new posting now. i'm currently in general medicine which is thought to be the toughest coz there's so so so much to learn! the field is unlimited! went to St Anne's Feast Day in the weekend and also had a family holiday. btw i'm catholic. messed up but trying to be a good catholic 

oh and btw bout that guy... i decided to give him half a chance. i agreed to help him change and try to work things out...but only 1-2 days after we agreed on that, he went from extra caring and worried bout my wellbeing to ME ME ME. everything was about him.  he only msg me once a day b4 he sleeps and every msg was about how bad he feels, how depressed he is, how worried he is about his future. so i decided enough of 'self-sacrificing'. he loves himself too much. i guess that was the root of the problem. he loves himself too much to deny himself anything including sex if he wants to. so i just gave up. i'm tired. i hope i didn't make the wrong decision. but i just feel so tired of supporting him. maybe he does love me, but i come a poor second to himself.

btw, if any guy reads this, he msg that when he was having sex with her, deeply buried in his mind was that he wanted a child of his own. he didn't care who mothered the child as long as he got HIS child. he just realized that. it sounds very weird to me. any comments? do guys really think this way or is he bullshitting? i replied that it was plain lust. he said it was lust but also because he wanted a child.sigh... he doesn't even think of my feelings. he just wants to get things of his mind. imagine a guy telling his gf that after he cheats on her.

anyway... new posting, new beginning, new life!

New Beginnings

It's only the beginning now ...a pathway yet unknown At times the sound of other steps ...sometimes we walk alone The best beginnings of our lives May sometimes end in sorrow But even on our darkest days The sun will shine tomorrow. So we must do our very best Whatever life may bring And look beyond the winter chill To smell the breath of spring. Into each life will always come A time to start anew A new beginning for each heart As fresh as morning dew. Although the cares of life are great And hands are bowed so low The storms of life will leave behind The wonder of a rainbow. The years will never take away Our chance to start anew It's only the beginning now So dreams can still come true. ....by Gertrude B. McClain

11:04 AM - August 1, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment

A warm world

my blog is only 2 days old and already i feel better

Happyetbroken, Silverwind and Fightingfemale have made me feel so welcome. Its wonderful to know that even total strangers care enough to give me support. The world can't be such a bad place as long as there are good people around rite?

i will survive! let God take care of the future. God has taken care of me so far, i have every reason to believe he will continue taking care of me. I will only concentrate on living my life to the fullest today. Tomorrow is a mystery. Yesterday is history.

Hahaha... so much self-motivational talk. i better walk the talk if i really want to live life bravely and wow... 3 entries in a day. Its true, writing is very therapeutic. But the bad part is i'm having my exam in obs and gynae tomorrow. not finish studying yet. The exam on monday sucked because i wasn't prepared at all. but i feel better since then, i think tomorrow i'll be 'ok'... pray for me people that i dont get some weird case of some pregnant mother with a 101 diseases.

A tribute to my new friends...

May my friendships always be
The most important thing to me;
With special friends I feel I'm blessed,
So let me give my very best.
I want to do much more than share
The hopes and plans of friends who care;
I'll try all that a friend can do
To make their secret dreams come true.
Let me use my heart to see,
To realise what friends can be,
And make no judgements from afar,
But love my friends the way they are

-Jill Wolf

3:42 PM - July 26, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

The Guy Who Turned My World Upside Down

This is the guy who caused everything. He was my first boyfriend since 6 years ago. We were a high school couple and when he went overseas to study in ukraine, we were so in love that we decided to keep on trying to make the relationship work.

That was 3 years ago. the first 2 years was hell. both were depressed. Both were frustrated with being apart. We quarreled more often then we talked. but we still loved each other. and as time passed, we became more matured. We worked through our problems calmly and were more open with each other. This past year was wonderful. We still quarrelled but only 1-2 times in the whole of the year.

Then, 2 months ago, he suddenly said he wanted to break up with me because he couldn't face me. He had sex with a ukranian girl?he was going out and keeping in touch by sms and phone with her for the past 3 months. He said they were just friends but things got out of hand. However, according to a friend of mine who also studies in the same uni, they seemed to be more then friends when he saw them on one of their 'dates'. The thing is, in the past 3 months, i kept feeling that something was wrong and kept asking if he was hiding anything from me. He was adamant that there was nothing. He even got irritated that i kept asking him the same question. So i thought i was being paranoid. He was lying to me directly. It wasn't just hiding. He directly lied when he was confronted!

But on the other hand, he did tell me the day after they had sex. He didn't hide it for ages first. And he seems to be really regretting it. He keeps saying that he will never let it happen again. he said that he will change and will never lie to me?again. According to the net, 60% of men cheat. That's a lot. Even if i forget him and try another guy, that guy would most prob cheat too rite? And other than the lying and the cheating, he was and still is very caring towards me. He worries about my studies and my health now because both are failing because of him.

The thing is,? now my eyes are opened to his weaknesses. i realized that he is weak.Very weak. and needy. He does not have much of a willpower and he is dependent on me. He also habitually lies. He does a lot of stuff behind my back and lies about it becoz he knows he knows he'll get into trouble if he tells me. e.g he goes back to smoking after quitting, he chats with strange girls who were interested in him for sex, he went out with this girl.. there is a pattern to his lying. He would lie for quite a while, then suddenly, his conscience will catch up with him and he will confess to me. i dont know if he confessed the whole truth but he does confess quite alot. it has never been about girls until this confession where he confessed to chatting up strange girls (but not doing anything and not keeping in touch after that) and to this girl and the sex. btw, he was a virgin because i didn't want to have sex while still studying. i didn't want to be faced with the need of an abortion.

Now he's saying that he won't lie again and will?never cheat again. But he'll be there another 3 years!?now that he's back on holiday,?he seems to be 100%?regretting. But how do i know that he is not lying again? or just trying to change but when he goes back?to ukr,?he will cheat again? he has said many times before that he will never lie again?but he always goes back to lying. And what if i accept him back and he takes it as a passport. He already can see that even if he cheats, as long as he regrets later i will take him back eventually. Aaarrgghhh!!! so many questions.

i'm not even sure if i love him anymore or i only think i love him because there is no other guy in the picture. i think maybe i'm scared of the future with another guy who might cheat on me. What if a new guy cheats too? what if he won't cheat again but i let him go and my new bf cheats on me? i'm scared that he is the best already?and i give him up.?What if there IS no new guy?! and i end up an old maid! i know i'm only 24 years old but in malaysia, for a chinese, by the time you're 27, if you still dont have a steady bf, you're an old maid

sigh... life...

I Cry For The Times That You Were Almost Mine,
I Cry For The Memories I've Left Behind,
I Cry For The Pain, The Lost, The Old, the New..
I Now Cry For The Times I Thought I Had You

1:28 PM - July 26, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

Living Life Bravely

Up until 2 months ago, my life was perfect. Everything was so well planned and the future was bright and perfect. I was in medical school, my boyfriend was perfect. My family was wonderful. Every detail about my future was planned out. Then, one day he confessed that he cheated on me. And from then on, everything went down the drain.Since that day, 2 months ago, everything has been confusion for me. I am so messed up. Life suddenly seems so complicated and i keep thinking wouldn't it be easier if it just ended now? There was nothing to live for. And the future is so damn scary i want to run back to the past.

The future IS scary especially when you dont have a plan. Instability is terrible for someone who thrives on stability. And i've never experienced it before. At the age of 24, suddenly i'm thrown into a new life. Adulthood. Before this, there was only one guy. Only 1 boyfriend since i was 18 years old and this same guy has buffered me from teen to adulthood so that i did not grow up.

Now, its a new phase. New life. I still do not know what to do with my life. What do i do with him? What do i do with me? The future is still dark and unpredictable. But i must be strong. Maybe with this journal and with help from total strangers, i can find myself and be myself.

For now, since the future is so unpredictable and scary, i choose to only live in the present. Day by day, step by step, i will try to live life bravely.

"If you have run with the footmen, and they have wearied you, then how can you contend with horses?" - Jeremiah 12:5

12:36 PM - July 26, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment