My 'new' life

i din write for a damn long time coz we were working things out.between balancing studies and really long tearful discussions and hugging each other for support, i really didn't have time to write. i guess i'm still living life bravely. only not alone now.i think it would be easier doing it alone coz then i don't have to worry about anyone hurting me. i know alot of ppl think that i can't let him go because i'm afraid to be alone, but i passed that phase. i know it is love. it is not that i am scared to let go. its true i am unwilling to let go. but that is because i realize i love him. the same as last time. my love didn't change. but a lot of other emotions came in. all negative. all terrible. the pain is so much more horrible now. it was easier before because i could say that i dont have to care what he does. we're broken up. i just want to forget him. who cares if he slept with whole of ukraine. but now, i have to care, coz he is still with me. and the terror of the future is even more scary than the pain of the past. what if he cheats again. what if he lies again. what if i just setting myself up for a big fucking hurt again. but i DO know this. as terrified as i am, i want to take the risk and give him another chance. even with my sceptism and paranoia, and pessimism (i'm a very untrusting person), i believe he is telling the truth now. i believe he really regrets. and i believe he really never wants to cheat again (whether he can really do it is another matter, and a damn large fear).

The main problem is that this is a long distance relationship and he is a young man in a country where having sex is like having a meal. i know i am mad to want to try again. but when i think of it, i love him. i believe he loves me. the reason we lasted the last 3 years on a long distance relationship is because of this love. the reason we wanted to continue a long distance relationship is because we dont want to let the love go. the question is, is our love strong enough and special enough to last another 3 years of long distance relationship after he has cheated? once a spouse has cheated, even couples who are together physically tend to break up. What more us, 2 young people, not tied by children or marital vows, and long distance to boot.

but then, i think of this:

1. we have been together for 6 years and have an agreement not to have sex because both are still studying. He has never pressured me to have sex even though he really wanted to at times.

2. even when he is attracted to other girls and have urges, he stops the sexual images in his head because he thinks that is cheating (admittedly he told me this, but i think he's telling the truth coz he told a lot more worse things)

3. he has been loyal for the past 3 years in a country where sex is available to anyone at the snap of a finger.

4. he stuck by me even though the first 3-4 years i really took him for granted.

5. He understands about my paranoia and inability to trust (its pathological but i'm trying hard to normalize it) and tries his best to reassure me although it frustrates him often.

The pain will be there for a fucking long time. there are so many things i have pain about, so many emotions. i'll have to use writing and this blog to heal myself. i dont care if nobody reads my boring blog but i need it to vent out my sadness and fears and also share my joys.

To end, after 2-3 weeks of open communication, both realize that both have made many mistakes, taken each other for granted etc. many of our mistakes were the same. i'll come to my mistakes later. but we came up with a recipe for our relationship.

OUR RECIPE

1. Honest Relationship: No lying, hiding or keeping secrets from each other.

2. Never close up and withdraw.

3. Always be there for each other.

4. Avoid all risky situations.

5. Be each other's best friend.

6. Look towards each other for happiness.

7. Keep in constant contact.

8. Admit mistakes immediately and never ever, ever cheat on each other in any way.

9. Always be alert to surroundings and self-analyze for hidden reasons.

10. Don't take each other for granted.

God, pls let us be able to work this out. Please let him be for real. pls let him be sincere.

12:34 PM - September 11, 2006 - post comment