Believe it or not, France is not the peaceful land of beret-wearing, garlic-crunching, -baguette-wielding, honey-tongued, mega-lovers it has the reputation of being. One day's visit to the country of Jacques Chirac, alias Mr Bizarre, delivers ample experience.
1) President sounds as if he is permanently telling a bedtime story. A sure sign of a tissue of whoppers - he attempts to send nation to sleep so we don't notice things like 'we are on the brink of financial collapse' as it sounds just like ' Goldilocks tried the Maman Bear's bowl and it was too hot'.
2) Finding a good piece of cheddar or Wensleydale is like trying to find a Frenchman who knows that the Crown jewels does not refer to the contents of Prince Charles' trousers.
3) A decent cup of tea is near impossible.. My grandmother (20 cups a day lady - respect) would not be impressed. Is it the water? Milk that doesn't come from real cows? What do they do to the teabags (individually wrapped, to do as much environmental damage as possible).
4) The French are good lovers. Hmm. Judging by my man, I'd have to say yes. No other experience. However. French arrogance extends over all domains...
5)My Masters from Oxford is considered of a lower standard than a French Masters. 'Nough said. Likewise work experience gained in another country doesn't count as much as work experience in France.
Also, priority is given to French English teachers over native English teachers at universities and even in schools.
6) Aah, French is the language of lurrve...ok, it sounds very nice and you can say 'mon amour, ton visage est une poubelle' and sound romantic, but hey, English is a rich language as well, as people here often forget...we have our own symbolism, we have Chaucer, Shakespeare, the Brontes, Pepys and Johnson, not forgetting Terry Pratchett and JK Rowling. As a translator, I often have clients phone who say things like 'Are you sure about this word? We didn't learn it at school', or 'It's not in my pocket dictionary'. Oh, and if you make mistakes in your French, or can't speak it at all (horrors of horrors) you obviously haven't as many brain-cells as you should have...being quadrilingual or more in other languages just doesn't count, you see.
7) The Sect
Oh yes. You can't escape it here. Everything, and I mean everything, that doesn't go along the government line is officially classed as a sect.
You don't use your Carte Vitale? You've been brain-washed by a sect.
Birth at home? Irresponsible and definitely sectarian.
Natural remedies? Oooh, sect alert (unless government issued).
You think Chirac is an alien? Oh, maybe you see clearer than we thought...
(To Be Continued...)
By the way, before any French people start feeling offended, I prefer France to England and the French to the English in general. But there are some things that are ennervant des fois. Happens when in England too... | 
