8/16/2006 - Gone Fishing

I used to be very fond of aquarium fish. I loved to watch them play, to see how the males frothed up the water. Wonderful thoughts came to me as I watched them. Sometimes

I would sit in front of my fish tank, lost in reverie until the wee hours of the morning.

I always had time for my friends if they needed me, if something happened and I could help them. The number of my friends grew astronomically along with my growing reputation of being a "magician", who could fix other people's problems and reverse their tragedies. I forgot about everything else - my home, family, children, even myself. That was an exciting time - time when my energy was coming out of the bottomless reservoir. I was sharing that energy feeling no regrets, taking no notice of time.

Then one day I remembered my fish tank. When I walked over to it I saw that the water had evaporated. I looked inside, afraid to imagine what might had happened. There on the bottom were all those dead, dried-up fish that had once been so wonderful and merry. An awful feeling of shame and remorse crept over me.

All of a sudden I understood that while I was helping my friends and friends of their friends, the fate of those neglected, dried-up fish could befall my next of kin. At last I understood the second part of the commandment, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." That "thyself" part always seemed so selfish. I needed to care for myself and my family but I rarely did. Even now I find this hard, tending to focus on my work and all the needs and tasks people have laid on me, too often forgetting the needs of my family. But then some threat to the children's or parent's health or the family welfare brings me up short and covers me with the same feelings of shame and remorse. This is a constant struggle.

I wrote this poem for not ever forgetting my battles.

Gone Fishing
Crystal and clear is water, Blue and frisky's my fish. How this tiny creature Knows how to breathe? The nest is finished and ready To make promised eggs Love making boils water It is getting hot to watch.	The babies are safe between their parents' lips. The music turns from tango Into a bed time swing. I got tired, watching - Left for the faraway land - Came home and froze, Stunned by a dry fish tank.
Weave, weave your nest of hope Out of bubbles of breath Build, build your future Airy, crystal and fresh.	Weave, weave your nest of hope Out of bubbles of breath Build, build your future Airy, crystal and fresh.
Intense color of flippers, Bodies clench in a dance I was so blessed by beauty In my holy land. The fish eggs fall on the bottom Of the crowded fish tank "Let them go!" - I scream at 3 am.	My nest of hope got empty on my return. When I was gone fishing The life didn't go on. Oh, no, not without me, watching Not without me, loving Not without me, loving...you all,
Weave, weave your nest of hope Out of bubbles of breath Build, build your future Airy, crystal and fresh.

 

9/18/2006 - G'day from Australia.