1/31/2007 - If You Never Had a Daughter
Every year on the last day of December I set three hours aside to watch an old videotape from Russia. It is a nostalgic tradition to watch "The Irony of Fate"� - an ironic story about the complexity of life. The songs in the movie are saturated with life-related wisdom. Every time I think about oddities of life, I sing,
"If you do not have a home, the fire can not be a threat.
And your wife won't ever leave you for another man, if you have got no wife.
If you do not have an aunt, nothing can take her from you.
And if you are afraid to live, then you will not ever die."�
This is how we people are: we know about the strangest twists of fate, but most of us still bravely start families in spite of fear of divorce; build houses in spite of fear of tornados, make new friends in spite of fear of betrayal; and bring children into the world in spite of fear of losing them. Somewhere in our core we have the guts to hope against hope. We have confidence that it will all work out fine in the end.
Dolores and George Hanson are those brave souls. They moved into Raytown soon after their wedding and bought their first house in Independence - the center of Mormon tradition. Pam - a blond, beautiful girl who inherited her father’s Swedish genes - was their oldest. The parents couldn’t be any happier with their girl: she was self-motivated, strong-spirited and helpful from a very young age. She was like a miracle child. Sudden infection took another daughter away from Dolores and George, and Pam was the answer to all their aspirations. Growing up, Pam learned how to sew and cook, how to manage finances, the daily life of the house and even of the other kids. Pam’s abilities grew even more after George’s position required him to move the family abroad.
The parents didn’t believe in pressuring their children about religion - all they wanted was to see them balanced spiritually and emotionally, so when Pam brought home her boyfriend, it didn’t bother them much that he was of a Mormon tradition. Rick was a very handsome young man, but not as well educated as their daughter. Dolores and George noticed how challenging it was for their future son-in-law to read the Bible in public. Dolores and George had enough wisdom to ignore obvious differences between Pam and her husband-to-be and embraced their new relatives. They were part of the wedding and tried to help in any possible way, as parents do. Pam was a world traveler since she was a teenage girl and could achieve anything she would even think of trying, but instead, she ended helping her husband in his job as a milkman.
Dolores and George’s first granddaughter Kristin looked like her mother: a blond happy girl with big, deep blue eyes. If only her grandparents had known that they had just a few years to enjoy knowing her, they would never have let her go. But Pam and her husband, at the urging of Rick’s brother Brad and his wife Rachel, moved to Lander, Wyoming. Brad had purchased a restaurant there and needed help in operating the business. It didn’t sound suspicious - many young families choose where they want to live and what they want to do. George and Dolores wanted to be supportive.
It could be a typical American dream story if not for the religious side of it. Pam started acting more and more distant toward her own family, immersing herself deeper and deeper into her new family’s life style and beliefs. Rick’s parents were leaders in the Mormon Church of Christ in Independence, MO. Brad and Rachel gradually took over the newly formed group of their committed followers - all relatives.
The first visit to their daughter’s family in Wyoming convinced the parents that they were already too late: things just didn’t feel right, but neither Dolores nor George were given a chance to discuss it with their daughter. Either Pam avoided being left alone with her parents or she was not allowed to. "Don’t take me wrong. I actually liked the lifestyle in that compound."� Dolores shared with me about her observations of the community life in her calm and low voice. "Pam’s family, as well as others, lived a healthy life. There was no cussing, no drinking, and no smoking. They ate lots of fruits and vegetables. They were allowed to wear normal clothes. They drove cars. The children were home schooled. TV was not allowed at first, but later their parents decided that as long as they limited them to TV programs that were strictly educational and highly moral, then it was OK. Children were never allowed to eat "junk food"� and gift giving was a "no-no."� Only gifts among themselves were permissible."� This was difficult for Dolores to follow, but she did, trying to be supportive.
Dolores and George had their worst suspicions confirmed after their last visit. Pam and her family and the group kept moving and the last letter they received was from an address in Puerto Rico. Letters sent to this address were returned. George steps in, "This is a very dangerous sect. Brad and Rachel are the leaders. You needed to see their house that was like a comfortable home while the rest of the community lived in trailers. Rick was like a servant to his older brother and his wife, never questioning their authority."�
Dolores adds, "When we were there, the whole community had to work either in the restaurant or at home, taking care of laundry, cleaning, cooking and children. The house was kept in perfect order. However, when the day was finished at the restaurant, Brad and Rachel would enjoy the hot springs nearby while the others cooked the evening meal and looked after the children."� I looked again at Rachel’s photo. She could be a very beautiful woman, if not for her Hollywood-like cold smile and her dark eyes’ piercing gaze, blood freezing even on the picture.
Jan - Pam’s younger sister says, "I do not know will I kiss my sister if I finally see her or I kick her?!"� Jan has a hard time forgiving Pam. Jeff’s only brother had a very close relationship with her. This is very difficult for him. Kristin - his niece - was a constant joy in his life as he recovered from a terrible accident. Pam was always there for him during physical therapy as that was, after all, her profession. Johanna, her youngest sister, doesn’t remember Pam as much because she was too young when Pam moved away. Pam was the apple of the eye to her grandparents. On his deathbed, her grandfather Hanson lying in a semi-conscious state, had a visitor named Pam. He immediately said, "Pam, you have come back."� He went to the grave believing Pam had returned. Cousins grew up not knowing each other, and parents are left with too many unanswered questions. Pam is hopefully alive, but is she really?
I listened to Dolores and her husband’s sharing and tried not to think about how I almost lost my only daughter fifteen years ago also because of the church, though for a different reason. I was the very first woman pastor in the entire former Soviet Union. Because of my connection with the Methodist Church in America, and to the source of humanitarian aid, the Russian mafia wanted to control my church. One day, I was informed that if I didn’t pay a certain amount, my daughter would be raped. Next day, I took my daughter to Moscow and put her, with my own hands, on a plane. Exiling my daughter to America meant choosing her safety over gambling with her life. We had too many children raped, killed, or traumatized just because of what their parents were in charge of. I knew my daughter could simply disappear.
In the Moscow International airport we held our hands until it was the moment to depart. Neither of us knew then that she would never come back home. I was numb. I had no feelings, no thoughts anymore. All I wanted was to hide from people in my hotel room and be alone, but as soon as I touched the doorknob, I howled as a wounded wild animal.
Dolores never told me about how she felt when she realized for the first time that she might never see her daughter again, but my own experience told me that that moment was harsh. Only listening to Dolores and George, I realized how lucky I was to be re-united with my child in America. The two years of separation felt like an eternity spent half alive: nothing made sense to me, and life around me lost its colors and smells.
Dolores’ heartache doesn’t heal. The wound is deepening with the passing of time rather than shrinking. How many Christmases, birthdays, Easters were missed for Pam and her parents? How many hugs were never shared? How many smiles were never exchanged? Everyday memories come and do not want to go away. "My Pam was 54 yesterday. I had a rough Christmas. I do not even know if she is OK!"� Imagine going through this agony Christmas after Christmas, for decades?
When I heard the story of the Hanson’s lost daughter, I protested, "No, not in America! This is a civilized country. This is where my daughter found freedom from fears!"� But Dolores and George’s situation was different. It was not about the mafia trying to get into the church’s pocket, and threatening my children’s lives, it was about a deadly ideology that turned out to be more dangerous than the Russian Mafia. Pam was affected by the leader of her church, Rachel, who believed that "in his loving and righteous wisdom (Jesus) did not will for us to continue communication with our families."�
George hired a detective, but Pam’s new relatives were smarter than even the detectives, moving from place to place: Las Vegas, Wyoming, Utah, Montana. The results of the search were not fruitful. After many efforts to contact Pam over those years, the devastated parents finally received a long-expected letter fifteen years ago that, unfortunately, took their last glimpse of hope away. The letter first glance, was unmistakably their daughter’s familiar handwriting"¦but it didn’t sound like the Pam they knew, "I have chosen a different life that you don’t agree with and that is the reason I don’t desire to have any contact with you. I believe that this is more loving to you and less painful than to spend my life battling with you over beliefs and lifestyles. But instead you seem determined to pursue this course, which again has brought disruption into my otherwise fulfilled and blessed life. We are not a cult. We are a Christian family that believes in the sanctity of life-long monogamous marriage. Our church has never condoned, believed in, or practiced polygamy as did the Utah Mormons. I hope you will find the truly meaningful way to fill the void in your life. I hope you will realize how wrong your efforts to find me are and that you will never accomplish anything good by them. What you have succeeded in doing is to verify that not only were my choices right, but very necessary."�
Yes, we are not in danger to die if we do not live our lives and we are not in danger to lose our children if we are afraid to have them, but what kind of life will that be? Dolores and George found courage to continue their lives in spite of pain and constant fear for their daughter and granddaughter. They understand that the hallmark of cults is to completely separate members from their families through any and all deceptive ways. They didn’t withdraw, though they had every right to do so. They chose to teach their children to live their lives fully and fearlessly in the midst of their own tragedy.
Dolores finds joy in making other people stronger. She has volunteered at the local school for fifteen years, helping children learn how to read. She never takes a single child’s situation lightly. She cries when they tell her about abusive parents or relatives, rape or shootings. Dolores’ personal tragedy created a compassionate heart in her. She adopted several immigrants from different countries, helping them not only to speak English better but also to adjust more easily to a different and sometimes unfriendly new culture.
Dolores has a gift to make new friends. She had cared for her neighbor Hazel for over thirty years. This wonderful woman, Hazel, never had children of her own and would be getting to the end of her one hundred four year journey on earth alone, if not for Dolores. Only two people routinely visited Hazel in the last ten years - Dolores and George. Dolores was with her as she drew her last breath. "She was like a mother to me"¦"� Dolores cried and kissed Hazel’s forehead.
The song from the movie the "Irony of Fate"� concludes, "The orchestra rumbles with basses, the tuba player blows his horn. Think for yourself, decide yourself, to have, or not to have. To have or not to have."�
Dolores and George chose to have life and to live it fully, but they hope that one day the telephone will ring, and they will hear again the voice that was lost for years and is so precious to them. "Hi, mom, hi dad. I miss you so much"¦"� Next year Pam turns 55.
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