30 and counting - Transitions: Life with Kiana- JournalHome.com

9/7/2006 - 30 and counting

Posted in Unspecified

Last week I crossed over the threshold and turned 30. It was somewhat anti-climatic, I must say. Not the mind bending, "oh my god" moment that it could have been, nor was it all the exciting. But so far 30 feels good, a little different. Most birthdays come and go with the feeling that not much has changed, and that's mostly true for this one, but there is a perceptible difference to me. I feel more nostalgic, but centered and feel that I've met most of my unstated goals. I am married, with a career and a family. My little Kiana keiki will be turning 1 in a few days and all is well in general. So far I can say "blrrrth" to Michael Noer. Marriage is healthy and stable. My husband does most of the cooking, when we cook. He shares a good portion of the chores and helps me with the baby when I ask. The days when I say otherwise is usually due to severe sleep deprivation over a few days. Kiana is thriving despite my working full time. Career isn't necessarily where I would like it to be, but then again, I'm not sure where I want it to be, so I can't complain too much. I supervise administrative assistants in a medical setting. I would much prefer to be in social services or mental health services, but that would require grad school to have much earning power. I haven't decided on which would be better an Master of social work or a Marriage Family therapy certificate. An MSW would be much more flexible and useful, but is it really what I want to do? I just don't know, and if I am going to spend that kind of money on a graduate degree, I want to be sure. Besides with Kiana, I want to be there and if I have to work full time and go to school even part time, I won't be there. So I'm ok with putting the grad school plans on hold for now. I think about where I was 10 years ago and how far I've come and 30 seems right. I had to go through a dark period to get to here, where everything was stalled and seemed wrong. I hated who I was, I hated where I was, and felt I could do no right. I was on a path of self-destruction as if that would make up for all the "evil" that I had done. I didn't no what to study in school, I was amassing a sizeable debt for someone with no income, and I was making bad choices. I was having fun, at least part of the time. But I was unhappy and I didn't know how to be happy. I thought if some one loved me I would be happy, but that wasn't true. I thought if I loved some one, other than myself, I would be happy, but that wasn't true either. I thought I could buy my happiness and other people's love, but that is sooo not true. Then I hit rock bottom and had to take a leave from school and went into a chrysalis at home with my family. Slowly, slowly I began the healing process, first with talk therapy and then by exerting more control over my life - instigating change instead of being a victim. It wasn't easy for me or my parents, but some how we all survived. I went back to school after a few months, but it wasn't for another 2 years that I finally emerged from my cocoon and transformed into more of the person I am today. I have to thank my friends at the time - Miya and Dennis, Kristina and Josh, Cherylle and Colleen, Ben, Stephanie, Joelle, and Erin for being there during the darkest of times and after. I haven't kept in contact well with most of them, but I love them all and appreciate all that they did for me then. In the spirit of the alignment of the stars, I hope to reconnect with some of those I have lost contact with. The one goal I didn't reach (not that marriage and children where my goals for 30) was to get my driver's license. I guess that'll be for next year's list.

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