My mind, the only one I will ever have.

Frustrated.

My biggest fears.....

Time

When you are but a kid, you wish you could grow up quicker. Then your a grown up, Lord knows when that happens, coz I still feel like a kid sometimes. And now the picture changes quite a bit. Now you wish time can just stand still for a while. Time goes by so quickly nowadays. It feels like yesterday I spent Christmas with my family. Now its almost six months down the line, so much has happened, but hey, where did the time go? So quickly. I'm on the wrong side of twenty, too close to thirty for my likings.?Hell I'm dating a man of 34. He's an incredible individual, I love him to bits. But how did the time go by so quickly???

Next year will be my 10 year reunion at my old highschool. Don't think I'll attend. No one I really wanna see. Sad but true. Loads of bad memories. No thanks.

Then there's work. I started of on a salary of R1500 a month. Now I almost earn ten times more. Somehow when you have little money, your money also lasts longer. Strange. I guess you just buy less crap!

I'm sort of counting the days this week wishing it will pass quickly. And then I wonder where the time goes! Maybe I should stop wishing it to pass quickly and start enjoying the NOW! Regardless of my circumstances.

Wie is ek nou eintlik?

My  naam is Nicky Mann. Gebore in Pretoria Gauteng op 31 Mei 1979. Jip dit maak my nou 26, oor twee dae 27. Maar wat is in 'n naam. Net mooi niks nie. Ek kon net sowel Sue-Ellen gewees het. Dit se niks van wie ek is nie. Behalwe dat, omdat dit my nooiensvan is ek nog nie getroud is of was nie, en ook dat my pa se van Mann was. Was, want hy's oorlede in 1983. Wat beteken dat ek hom nooit werklik geken het nie.

Gebore in Pretoria, waar my pa en ma 'n huis gekoop het, hul eerste. Het 'n ouer broer en suster, ons was 'n gelukkige familietjie. Vir 'n kort rukkie ten minste. Maar dan, ek kan die tyd nie onthou nie aangesien ek 'n pasgebore babetjie was, en my geheue van ouderdom 2 na 4 is maar bra skraps. Ek kan presies 6 gebeure onthou, gebeure wat eintlik so onbelangrik is, kan nie se hoekom ek juis dit onthou nie.

Wat maak mens wie jy is. Jou gedagtes? Miskien, hulle se "you are what you believe". Goed, jou gedagtes het te make met wat jy glo. Waar kom die "glo" deel vandaan? Mens se hantering van situasies is tog gebaseer rondom dit wat jy geleer het, dit wat jy weet, dit waarmee jy gemaklik voel. Dit wat jy geleer het is iets wat elke dag gebeur. Soos wat jy deur die lewe beweeg sien jy, ruik jy, voel jy, ervaar jy. Jy leer allereers by die mense wat jou grootmaak. Meeste gevalle sal dit jou ouers wees. As jy so gelukkig is om nog ouers te he. In my geval was dit vir die eerste 3 jaar en paar maande my biologiese ma en pa. Hulle was volgens oorlewering gelukkig getroud gewees. Ek kan wel onthou dat die atmosfeer rondom my gedurende die tyd gelukkig was. Dis omtrent al wat ek kan onthou. Dan onthou ek swaarkry. Die tyd wat my pa oorlede was en ons in die "krot" gebly het. My ma was maar net 34, haar man oorlede op dieselfde ouderdom 34, met drie kinders van ouderdomme: 4, 10 en 11. Siende dat sy binne gemeenskap van goedere getroud was, was alle fondse gevries tot na die boedel afgehandel is. Dit wil se, 34, drie klein kinders, geen man, en geen geld. Die huis waarin ons gewoon het was 'n maatskappy huis. So.Ons moet trek, die nuwe werknemer moet die huis kry. 'n Vrou van 34 met drie honger kindertjies, werkloos aangesien sy 'n huisvrou was (my pa het geglo sy vrou moet by die huis bly en kinders oppas), geen geld en binnekort, geen huis. Eina.

Gelukkig het ons in 'n baie klein dorpie gewoon. Meeste mense het van ons penarie geweet. Gelukkig, alhoewel dit soms irriterend kon wees, die mense ons jammer gekry en sommer gou het my ma 'n werkie losgeslaan by die plaaslike kooperasie. Die enigste huis beskikbaar in die HELE dorpie, was 'n krot. Letterlik. Die plek het omtrent inmekaar geval. Maar dit het mure, 'n dak, vensters en deure gehad. 'n Dak wat heelwaarskynlik gelek het, kan nie eintlik onthou nie, maar 'n dak nietemin. 'n Massiewe tuin, paradys vir 'n 4 jarige!

Dis wat ek onthou, die sement dam in die agterplaas. Die dam was leeg en ek het 'n manier gevind om binne in te kon klim, en dis waar ek my huisie gebou het. Met my boetie se karretjies gespeel het. Ons het nie juis veel speelgoed gehad nie, maar ek het 'n hele wereld van my eie gehad. Die tuin was my paradys. My verbeelding het omtrent vlerke gehad daar.

Van kleins af het ek geleer om die realiteit met my verbeelding op te tower. En soms het ek myself laat glo dinge is anders as wat dit werklik is, en ek het dit geglo met alles wat ek was. Vandag is ek soms steeds so. Die engelse noem dit "denial". Verbeel jou dit het nooit gebeur en "poeffff" dis weg. Soos in die flieks. Dit verdwyn. Probleem is net, dis ongelukkig nie hoe die lewe werk nie. Dinge "verdwyn" nie sommer net nie. Mens moet leer om probleme vierkantig in die oe te kyk en dit uit te hanteer.

Heeltemal van die punt af maar in elk geval. Feit bly staan. Die ervarings wat jy as kind het is heel waarskynlik die basis waarop jy jou lewe sal hanteer. Die indrukke wat as kind neergele word sal bepaal hoe jy as volwassene sal wees. Dis 'n teorie. As jy lees oor reeksmoordenaars en kriminele, selfs homoseksuele mense. Almal se kinderlewens was redelik hartseer.

Van geboorte tot omtrent 12 jaar oud kan ek nie werklik kla nie. Ja dit was rof toe my pa oorlede was, maar ek onthou wel dat ek omring was deur sekuriteit en liefde. Van 12 jaar af het die prentjie drasties verander. Dinge in ons huis was nie juis pluis gewees nie. Die atmosfeer het verander na gespanne. Rede, my ma en stiefpa het nie baie goed oor die weg gekom nie. Hulle kom steeds nie baie goed oor die weg nie. Dis hoe dit was van 12 tot 17. Toe trek ek en my ma uit die huis uit. My ma is na my broer toe in dieselfde dorp en ek is na die losieshuis waarin my suster ook gewoon het. Dit was meer 'n geografiese skuif as enige iets anders siende dat my suster nader aan my skool gebly het. Ouderdom 17 tot 18 onthou ek as uiters gespanne. Vir my 'n absolute "struggle for survival". Alleen, baie alleen. Dis waar my sogenaamde depressie wortels begin skiet het. Ek wou nie so vroeg al my eie potjie krap nie, maar het nie 'n keuse gehad nie. Ek moes maar alleen aansukkel, my suster was in 'n baie slegte verhouding, wat emosioneel baie skade gelaat het op haar, en ek was toeskouer. My broer was pas deur 'n egskeiding wat baie lelik afgegaan het. My ma en stiefpa het probleme gehad wat haar heel besig gehou het. Ek was 'n uitblinker op skoolgebied, altyd vol grappies en lag (onthou jy my verbeeldingsvlugte, poeffff en dis weg) wel dit was my manier om die atmosfeer te probeer verlig. Lag. Maar dit het sy tol op my ge-eis. Dis uitputtend om iets te wees wat jy nie is nie. Almal het gedink ek is OK. Ek lag dan altyd. Ja ek lag altyd maar binne my was dit stukkend en baie seer. Het myself omtrent elke aand aan die slaap gehuil.Ek kon ook net so lank voorgee. My maskertjies het opgeraak. Die vernis lagies weggeskaaf. My stukkende siel het begin deurskemer. En ewe skielik was almal bekommerd oor my. My ma het my na die sielkundige geneem. Ek het dit gehaat. Dit het my kwaad gemaak. Ja goed. Ek wou nie meer lewe nie. Het nie juis meer omgegee nie. Myself in my akademie ingegooi. Al my frustrasies op my skoolboeke uitgestudeer. Ek wou almal wys ek is OK. Ek wou almal wys ek is die beste. Die enigste plek waar ek koning kon kraai. Waar ek almal in die oe kon kyk. As gevolg van my dubbele lewe het ek nie veel energie oorgehad om 'n sosiale lewe aan te pak nie. My lag het min geword. Ek was moeg, uitgeput. Ek wou weg kom. Weg van die vervloekste dorp waar ons gebly het. Weg van almal wat my ken. Ek wou oor begin. 'n Nuwe lewe vir myself bou. 'n Lewe waar ek werklik gelukkig was. Ek was moeg vir my verbeeldingsvlugte, ek wou dit realiteit maak. Ek wou regtig gelukkig wees, nie net oe-verblindery nie. Dit het seer gemaak om my familie so in flarde te sien. My suster se seer, my ma s'n, my broer s'n. Dit was als deel van my seer. En op 'n manier het ek ook gedink aan die onregverdigheid van die situasie. Op 'n manier het ek hulle kwalik geneem dat hulle nie daar was vir my nie. My nie genoeg ondersteun het nie. Ek het gevoel dat ek nog 'n kind moes wees. Maar ek kon nie een wees nie. Ek was omring deur probleme, bakleiery, hartseer, pyn en sommer net chaos. En niemand in die dorp het geweet daarvan nie. Op die oppervlak was ons 'n model gesinnetjie. My maatjies het nie eens geweet toe uitgetrek het nie.

Ag wat. So almal het hartseer en pyn as hulle grootword. Mense word mishandel, word groot in haglike omstandighede. En hier sit ek en skryf oor ek elke aand warm geslaap het, altyd kos gehad het om te eet, shame foeitog, jou ma en pa het nie oor die weg gekom nie. Jou pa het nie gedrink nie, nie jou ma geslaan nie, jou nie mishandel of verkrag nie. Die atmosfeer in die huis was maar net onaangenaam. En jy't 'n chip op jou skouer. Ek het soveel dinge in my guns. Ek reken die mense wat oor hulle omstandighede kan kom, deur dit kan kyk en steeds iets van hulself maak, dis die mense na wie 'n mens kan opkyk. Ek dink mens moet jou omstandighede vat en dit beskou as iets wat jou sterker gemaak het, ondervindings waaruit jy kon leer, goed en sleg. Ek het nog altyd dinge vinnig gesnap. Het sekere dinge maklik verstaan. Menslike dinge. Ek kon die atmosfeer in 'n huis aanvoel. Vir my was dit half tasbaar. Was ongelooflik sensitief, is vandag nog so. Menslike dinge het vir my sin gemaak. Ek kon verstaan wanneer iemand seer het. Ek het net geweet as iets nie pluis is nie. Kon aanvoel wanneer 'n individu ge-irriteerd was, kwaad was, hartseer en dies meer. Net as dit by mans gekom het was my "judgement clouded".

Ek skat dit het iets te make met die feit dat my selfbeeld vol gate is en ek erg onseker kan wees van myself in sekere situasies. Die feit dat ek nog nooit werklik geglo het ek is mooi of aantreklik nie. Ek is maar net wat ek is. Ek haat grimering, ek haat dit om ure voor die spieel te spandeer. Ek hou gewoonlik nie van die nuutste modes nie en trek dit ook nie sommer aan nie, is nie juis baie "hip" of "cool" nie. Ek was nooit deel van die "in crowd" nie.

Ek dink die mens wat jy is hang af van die manier wat jy dinge interpreteer. Party kinders word groot in 'n huis waar die ouers drink en baklei. Een kind sal die lewe ingaan en besluit dat hy/sy nooit sal drink nie, die kind maak 'n sukses, bou 'n eie gelukkige gesin sonder enige drank of bakleiery. 'n Ander kind gaan die lewe in en die bose kringloop herhaal homself. Die individu doen presies wat sy ouers gedoen het. Dis 'n 50/50 spel. Die lewe dink ek is 'n 50/50 spel. Jy't altyd 'n keuse. Jy self moet besluit watter kant die weegskaal gaan oorhel. Reg of verkeerd. Dis moontlik waaroor die hele lewe handel. Reg en verkeerd. Jy moet geld verdien. Party verdien dit deur hard te werk. Ander deur dit te steel. Selfs al is jou keuses nie op 'n 100% skaal van reg en verkeerd nie byvoorbeeld watter beroep sal ek volg? Nee,dit is op die 50/50 skaal want: watter beroep is reg of verkeerd vir my. Ha! Reg en verkeerd. Watter motor sal ek koop? Reg of verkeerd. Watter man/vrou sal ek "date"? Hy/sy is reg of verkeerd vir my. Watter vriende gaan ek kies? Regtes of verkeerdes. Waarop gaan ek my geld spandeer? Dit wat ek nodig het en reg is vir my of dit wat ek nie nodig het nie bo iets wat ek eerder moes kies en dus verkeerd is vir my. Reg of verkeerd. So wat het ons nou? Wie is jy? Gebasseer op jou omstandighede. NEE! Dit le 'n basis ja, maar jy het steeds die keuse van reg of verkeerd. Dis jou eie vrye wil wat uiteindelik gaan bepaal wie jy is. Die keuses wat jy maak eerder as die omstandighede waarin jy grootgemaak is. As jy in slegte omstandighede grootgeword het, het jy heel waarskynlik 'n baie moeiliker lewe voor jou, maar nietemin het jy nog steeds die vryheid van keuse hoe groot of hoe klein ook al. Niemand kan jou werklik forseer om te trou of te werk of te bly waar jy nie besluit jy sal werk of bly of met wie jy gaan trou nie. So party het meer geld as ander. Jy het steeds die keuse van hoe jy jou geld en tyd gaan spandeer hoe baie of hoe min dit ook al is. So wie is ek nou eintlik. Ek is die persoon wat ek kies om te wees. Elke mens het "handicaps". Myne was die atmosfeer waarin ek grootgeword het. Ek is geseen met 'n ongelooflike verstand, ek is nie te onaantreklik nie, ek het mooi hande, mooi stem, mooi lag, mooi oe, kan dans, kan sing, kan orrel speel, kan blokfluit speel, verstaan dinge maklik, kan 'n intelligente gesprek voer, noem dit. Ek het vele talente. Ek is geseen. My handicap is net dat my selfvertroue nie te waffers is nie. As ek "confident" is kan ek enige iets bereik. Die oomblik as ek af is, dis dan wanneer ek sukkel.

Ongelukkig het ek ook geleer om maskers te gebruik. Ek gee altyd voor ek is OK! Maar ek is nie altyd OK nie. En omdat ek dit nie wys nie, breek my selfvertroue bietjie vir bietjie af omdat ek nie OK is nie. En naderhand val ek uitmekaar oor ek nie kan praat oor wat hier binne my aangaan nie. Gelukkig het ek vir Journalhome ontdek en gelukkig het ek 'n wonderlike man in my lewe wat ook begin om my krakies raak te sien. Vraag is nou net. Ek kan kies om oop te wees oor alles van my en die risiko is daar dat die man in my lewe nie meer so baie van my gaan hou nie. Daar is baie dinge wat hy nie van my weet nie. Ek is effe op my senuwees om hom in te laat op die "real deal". En aan die ander kant dink ek hy weet klaar siende dat hy hiper intelligent is en ook kan aanvoel as als nie A-OK is nie. Hy't klaar die donker sy van my aangevoel. Die sy wat nie praat nie, die sy wat baie depressief kan wees, die baie buie (mood swings!). Ek is 'n gemini. Nie dat ek glo dis hoe ek my lewe hoef te lei nie, weereens die keuse-ding. Tog het ek baie raakpunte met die gemini karakter. Ek dink my grootste "downfall" is seker maar die feit dat ek so "hardegat" kan wees.

Ek dink ek het die meeste van die antwoorde, ek moet dit net vir 'n verandering begin toepas. Dit begin lewe. Dit begin doen. In plaas van om in my donkerhoekie terug te trek my maskertjie op te sit en myself jammer te kry. Want ja, ek kry myself soms jammer, dik aan, maak dinge erger as wat dit werklik is. Probleem is net. My gesondheid begin swaarkry daaronder. Stres is 'n realiteit. En my lyf wys al die simptomes. En die keer dik ek nie aan nie. My gestel is af. Baie af. Ek word maklik siek, sukkel met my maandstondes, sukkel met allerhande dinge van ystertekorte, allergiee, hoofpyne, en sommer baie dinge wat alles "related" is. En die oorsaak: STRES. Hoekom stres ekso baie, siende dat ek soveel dinge in my guns het. Ek stres oor nonsens. Ek wou die drie letter woord gebruik het wat begin en eindig met 'n "k", maar ek's veronderstel om 'n dame te wees! Ja mense. Ons stres oor "k_k". 'n Drieletter woordjie wat die bestaan van ons lewens beskryf. En dis ons eie keuse ook. Wonderlik ne. All in the mind! Afrikaans se dit nie beter nie. It's ALL IN THE MIND!!!! Die oomblik wat jy beheer kan kry oor jou eie "mind" dis die oomblik wat jy nie meer 'n probleem van 'n dag oud sal he wat jou kan of sal onderkry nie. Dis my opinie. Ek ek weet ek is reg. Genoeg gekla vir een aand. Genoeg gefilosofeer vir een aand. Ek gaan nou slaap want more moet ek werk. Gnite!

Past, present, future

When I was a little girl, I had my hands full of wild and crazy ideas. The world was my playpen. I believed that anything was possible. I dreamed quite a bit. Wild and crazy dreams. Impossible dreams. I dreamed that I would be famous one day. I dreamed that I would marry a moviestar. I dreamed that I would be a well known scientist. I dreamed of far away countries, becoming an archeologist, visiting ancient worlds, finding lots of hidden treasures, I dreamt of being the first person to visit new places, places that was lost for all eternity, until I found them!!!! My dreams were always out there. Away from right here. I gues because right here was a dark and dreary place for me. I hated right here. I lost my dad in 1983, the year I turned four.

Our home was never really a great place to be. I loved my Mom to bits, still do. She always tried her best to create a nice homely environment for her kids, but with a stepfather like mine, well, she could have been Mary Poppins and wouldn't be able to pull that trick out of her bag. I do appreciate her trying.

So yes, growing up was hard. Very hard. But hey, where do you find a normal family nowadays anyway?! Sad, but true. They're very far and few between.

Boyfriends....dream on. Yes I had the occasional crush or two, but it never paid off. In St. 8 I had my first bad experience with a boy. It was the local town's festival. You know, stalls and beer tents the works. He was in another school, the technical school in Middleburg. All the "jocks" went there. I had a crush on him since primary school, would never admit it to anyone, but yes. I liked him. And then it happened.I was standing in a crowd, my hands at my back for some reason. And someone took my hand.\ I was quite shocked when I turned around and saw "him" standing there, holding MY hand!!!! Stupid girl. That's what I was....STUPID! I felt flattered. Didn't really think straight. In fact I don't think I really thought at all. So he held my hand, we walked and talked and laughed. What a wonderfull day I thought it was. Then the evening arrived. We went dancing, and that was just the greatest night of my miserable life. Yes....and eventually he took me out in the moonlight and tried to kiss me. Just......it didn't end with a kiss. He started touching me in ways I did not appreciate. I tried desperately to shake him off, but NO wasn't a word in his vocabulary. So what did I do. I struck him on the temple with my fist and managed to push him away. I ran like hell. It was the first hint of fear a man ever made me feel. And oh yes, the following day I was the highschool whore. Go figure. He got lucky, or that's the story he told. And of course everyone believed him. No one really cared to ask my side of the story, and I didn't bother trying to tell. I just went my way, as always, doing what I do best, being the academic freak, grabbing gold every year, student of the year, every year etc. At least that never let me down.

It did change me in a way. The stories behing my back. I despised it. I cried often. Not in front of anyone, but a lot nonetheless. I still hate crying in front of people.

I was so glad when I was done with school. I absolutely hated it. At last I could go away. Away from the damned town we stayed in. Away from the atmosphere in my parents house (I moved out in St. 9 but my parents fetched me just before my final exams) and just away from the neverending gossip, smallminded people that surrounded me. Away from oblivion I believed. I created my own little world. A world where I felt safe, a world that fascinated me, kept me company. I read a lot. I wrote poetry. Didn't have many friends. In fact, I can narrow my friends down to 3!!! I'm lucky, at least I had someone I could call friend.

So there I was in the big city. I thought my life has just begun. And it probably did in many ways. The first lesson I ever learned in the big city was that this is going to be a bumpy ride. Life was tough. Even tougher than before. I had to find a job, make a living with no one to support me, no back up, just me, myself and I. It was difficult. I found a job, went to a dance college at night. Did ballroom, latin, spanish, tap and modern dancing. I loved every moment of it. I developed into a young vibrant woman. My non existing confidence growing by the day. I had it all figured out! Or at least that what it felt like.For the first time in my life I felt alive. I felt that the world was a great place to be, regardless of all the tought times of surviving, paying the bills and making a living. I loved it. Being my own boss, doing my own thing. And yes inevitably I met a guy. The wrong guy....AGAIN! I'll give you the short version. He used me, abused me, lied to me, cheated on me, beat me up quite badly. Left quite a bit of emotional scars too. He made me feel cheap and worthless. He also took my virginity from me, without my consent. No, I can't say that he raped me, because I said no too late. I thought I'd try this, and said stop too late. That's when I decided to rather focus on other stuff. Work, studies, finding friends in stead of boyfriends.Saving money to buy my own car, getting my license etc. Usefull things. Things to build me rather than break me. I avoided relationships with the other sex. Scared of getting hurt again. Then I met W. We became friends. He was always around. We hung out quite a bit. He never asked anything from me. I felt safe with him. He never physically asked me to date, we just became an item in everyone's eyes because we were always together. I felt comfortable with the situation. I had someone to talk to, someone to hang out with and I didn't need to give anything more of me. There was no physical demands, no intimacy required at all. It suited me quite fine, seeing that sex was something disgusting in my eyes. In a way I used W. He kept me safe from other men. They knew I wasn't available. Even though I never felt tied up with someone. I had the stronger personality. I could manipulate any situation to suit my own needs. He never questioned me, or disagreed, or anything. He was quite guttless in that sense. It irritated me quite a bit. He went to UK often to go and visit his family. I couldn't wait for those times. Times when I could breath. Times when I could be free. And then the day came when he grew up. He realised the situation and we seperated. I thought I'd never cry over a man again but I cried that day. I felt lost in a way. Maybe I did care after all.

I left the big city, pursuing a career in a smaller "place". A hotel situated between the mountains. I loved the job, but hated the people. And they hated me. I did very well in my job. Got lots of attention from all the right people. They helped me, tought me, molded me into the right form. And I loved every moment of it. I felt myself growing, realised my own potential and thrived on it. I became the best I could be, with plenty of room for more to come! They sent me to other resorts, I sorted out problems, people started phoning me if they got stuck, people that's been in the industry ten times longer than me. I started believing in myself, in my capabilities. I thought I'd found my niche. The place I belonged. I believed it for a while. Lived it with everything I had inside me. And then E. came into the picture. He was appointed as a chef at the hotel. He made my life truly miserable. Brought back all my insecurities. He spread so much lies about me. Made me look cheap and easy. I am blowing this out of proportion, making it sound worse than what it was in reality. Fact is.....in my mind it was bigger. All the old insecurities slowly crept back into my mind. My confidence started fading. I started doubting myself again. Everyone still believed I did great. Everyon but me. And thinking back. I did do quite all right where work was concerned. My biggest downfall has always been me, myself and I. My mind. My selfesteem. The way I see myself. I've never had dreams of me in a white dress walking down the aisle. Getting married, having kids was never part of my future plans. Still isn't part of my future hopes and dreams. I didn't want to be alone forever either!! I eventually left the little mountain paradise. I found another challenge. I could run away from everything and everyone that made me feel insecure. I ran like I always did when I felt that way. So I went to an even smaller town I've ever been in. Faced with all sorts of challenges. Snakes, safety issues, extreme weather, work that's been made for a man, not a woman. Hard physical work. Machinery, building, irrigation, you name it. It was a man's world. And I had to rule it. Ouch! It was tough, really tough. I survived for five months, living as a hermet, not out of choice. I couldn't take it anymore and moved back to the big bad city.

Found someone great there too! I don't know what the future is hiding from me. I'm too scared to even consider it right now. I just know that I like what I have right now. And that's good enough for me. Maybe that's what life is all about. Just being happy with what you have right now. Living for the now. Enjoying now. And most of all. Maybe one has to start working on being comfortable and happy with oneself. Once that is achieved (although I think it's a constant battle!) the rest will follow automatically. The you can face anything, anyone, anytime.....

TV boredom

Why is it, that the stupid grey box forming the centrepiece of your living area also forms the middlepoint of your daily existence. Yes....that bloomin TV. We've been sitting here day in day out in front of the grey box, doing nothing else but surfing the net and watching all our favourite shows. Greys Anatomy, Lost season 2, Two and a Half men, Boston Legal, Mythbusters, etc.

I can hardly remember when last we've been out doing something different than watching TV. We can't even sit at a restaurant and have a conversation. Is this what happens a couple of months down the line when your dating.

And it's not as if I don't love my man. In fact. I just love him more and more every day. I adore him. I can't get enough of him.

In the beginning he could hardly keep his hands off me. Now, I have to ask him to touch me. Concerning to say the least. It scares me quite a bit. I have confronted him, but the answers keep on avoiding me. I just want to touch him all the time. Is it me, am I too much. How does men think. I know it's a cliche. Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. Whatever man. I feel that you have to be comfortable with your other half. You have to be able to be yourself, express yourself, say whatever you want whenever you want. I for instance can't go to sleep if anything bothers me. So I just blurt it all out. Am I suppose to keep quiet in stead and wait for "the right moment". What is the right moment? I don't believe there is such a thing as the "right moment". If I have the need to touch him and he's sitting right next to me, am I suppose to fight that urge and wait for him to touch me first? Well at the rate we're going at, I'll be waiting a while. OK, I guess I'm a little negative at this moment. Just by writing this, I already see a few problem areas. I must admit, I quite like the idea of journalhome.com. One sometimes just need to vent a bit. Get it off your chest. I've vented a lot with my other half. Maybe I just don't have a clue what one is suppose to do in relationships. You know, the do's and don'ts. I obviously am clueless. Probably do most of everything completely wrong. Hey, I'm a beginner. Haven't dated for quite a bit. Was too busy with work, life and everything else. Moving around too much, had the occasional shortterm heartache and decided that I'm not interested. Yes, I was afraid of getting hurt again. Yes I was afraid of commitment. Yes I had trust issues. I guess.....most of the "problems" I'm facing in the current day is because of my past experiences. Maybe I'm just paranoid.

Probably not making much sense now anyway.

Hope you all have a great week.

See ya.

N.

Why did man invent birthdays?