My mind, the only one I will ever have.
Frustrated.
Today was not one of the best days I've had. I am in the process of relocating from RSA to Australia. It is a logistical nightmare. As if all the arrangements and planning isn't enough of a heartache, I'm now stuck with a little devil on my shoulder that's driving me insane!!!!!!! I've been dating my boyfriend for just over two years. I love him so so much. Today I drove to Pretoria to write an exam (busy with B Com part time). I drove past some prostitutes. Couldn't miss them, they stood out in the crowd! In broad day light!! I told my boyfriend about them this evening and............don't know why, asked him if he's ever been with a prostitute. He denied it........and something in me knew he was lying. Now I'm really confused. Maybe he wasn't lying, maybe it was me, my own insecurities etc etc etc. I'm painfully aware of the fact that he doesn't touch me that often. And when he does touch me it's because I've initiated something. I know he loves me. I know I love him. And where this bloomin little voice in my head comes from which keeps on telling me he lied to me re the prostitutes.........maybe he didn't lie. You see the pattern here?! I'm under a tremendous amount of stress. It's work, arrangements to move to another country, a country I've never been to before!, it's all the goodbyes, friends, family, exams, finances etc etc etc. Why would I think he lied to me anyway. Something within me just knew. Is this something within me to be trusted? Is it the stress talking? And anyway, if he's been with prostitutes before I know it's not in the time that we've been together. It was then probably in a time where he's gone through some emotional issues. He's been divorced twice and got hurt pretty badly. I think I can understand why he would seek the company of a prostitute. (That's IF he did) I only have this stupid something in me that THINKS he lied. He probably didn't lie to begin with. Oh and I'm writing a load of crap. Must say, it does help to just get it out of my system........!
Maybe the problem lies in the intimicy "issues", the lack of intimicy. I desperately need for him to touch me, caress me, desire me, want me. And it hurts to know that he doesn't want me, that he has no desire for me, that he doesn't touch me and hardly ever caresses me. I'm horny like hell and am tired of initiating sex. I want him to initiate sex. I want him to want me!!!!! So so badly. I know he fantasizes about other girls when we're together. He claims it's no one he knows. But the lack of intimicy makes me wonder. He doesn't find me sexy, or desirable or pretty for that matter. That's how his actions come across. So he's either also under stress (which he is) or I'm right, he doesn't find me all that attractive, or both. I hope it's not either of the latter, but hey, a girl's got needs........
Enough of this. Enjoy your evening!!!
N
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