Meltdown.

Saw Dave in hospital today, He's on oxygen full time and they have put him on steroids.  Cat scans aren't showing anything, he has been referred to the Oncology dept for tests in the morning.

Apparently he is on the high priority list, which means he'll get some attention on Monday.

The boss' boyfriend called in at the office today, we had only just gotten back in off tools, he made an observation, when something happens to someone we love my boss is a cry baby and I get angry.

Here comes the big ugly protection device.  Rather than get upset and withdrawn, I used to make myself get angry, then I would hit the mountainbike trails and let rip (hence the major injuries), I can't mtb anymore, too much fear of that now, besides, having a zero mtb fitness ability makes it almost impossible.

I'd find a spot on the wall and get angry if I thought it would do any good except that this time, with everything else going on around me (house hunting, not sleeping, food issues, work project) I'm taking it out on anyone who breathes.

This is not a good development. 

I read something today about depression spikes.  I'm recognising the symptoms, I've most certainly been here before, but the circumstances are so much more different than what they used to be.  I caused most of my old issues, these are things I can't control, not having control is what grates so much.

So far I have lashed out at my partner who understands, but I can tell he is struggling, my brother is copping it to the point where my evil tongued mouth may force him out of my life for an indefinite period (not my fault he and his gf are expecting and they are so not ready - long story, don't waste oxygen by thinking about it) and my boss.  I have a temper on me and she gets big bad and ugly when I feel backed into a corner. 

I much prefer this avenue than the alternate though, I used to close off, and fight my demons deep within my mind, its done some pretty wicked damage, I just hope I can find the strength to fight this thing.  6 Years I've been clear of shit like this.   Its at the point where I think that if someone looks at me the wrong way, or if my dog looks too cute, or if my cigarette doesnt light up properly I will let loose upon the world the biggest can of whoop ass it has ever seen ... or not

Who the f*** knows, and more importantly why the f*** should I care.

I'm off to drink myself oblivious on my beloved bottled water and gaze lovingly at my wee poppets picture

At least the water thing is sticking ...