My partners grandparents were finally laid to rest yesterday afternoon.  His grandfather had passed away 7 years ago and his grandma passed a year ago, their ashes were laid in a quick and respectful fashion, no pomp or grace, nothing was said as as my father in law said, it was all said when they were alive.  It was a sad and pleasantly memorable occassion.  After they covered the hole in we took a stroll, as most people do, to visit the graves on people they've known to have passed.

I find cemetaries (and the obituaries) morbidly interesting.  Its not that I like reading about death, its more like I'm curious about how they lived, did they love, were they loved and how did they die.  You find out more about how they died from an obituary but you can kind of ascertain what kind of person they were to the ones that loved them by checking out their plots.  Its a huge assumption to make when you say that this person was well loved by everyone because they have heaps of flowers and toys and really ornate headstones, but thats just not the case most of the time.

My bosses father was buried last year (2004) and he still has no headstone, its not that he wasn't loved or respected, its just that its too hard for the family to finalise his headstone.

It also raises the question of spirituality but thats for another post.

As a Maori we have certain differences to laying our dead to rest, not too dissimilar but some glaring differences but that again is getting off my original topic.

I'll cut to the chase ...

In this cemetary I saw a lot of joint plots (careful planning and acceptance of the inevitable) and I'd see some single plots.  It made me think.

Am I going to be a single or a joint plot person?  What do I want to be ?  I have to answer honestly that I don't know.

Yes I am currently in a relationship and have been for over 4 years now, this in itself is huge for me but its never been out of the question.  I just lacked the ability to attract someone suitable.  Which brings me to the point of this post.

Am I in love or am I just too comfortable to move on.

I've thought about love a lot of times in my life, I've gone from the puppy love of a 14 yr old teen to the naive love of a 22 yr old to the reckless and dangerous love of a 25 yr old and now I'm at the Adult love of a 31 yr old.  Apparently my love has matured from what it was initially with my partner to the relaxed and comfortable stage of a mature working partnership of convenience.  But is that love?  Is love different when you're 31 in comparison to when you're 22?  Is love at 31 the beginning of a joint burial plot?

Another good question to pose is, Is sex love?.  My partner and I enjoyed a very healthy sex life, mostly on the part of my highly active sex drive and my partners willing disposition.  For the last 4 months my sex drive has been AWOL.  I've heard many different opinions on why I'm not the rabbit I used to be.

1.  Ashamed of my appearance

2.  Unhappy with relationship

3.  Depressed

4.  Dealing with grief

I think it may be a mixture of all 4.  My depression resurfaced around the same time Dave went into hospital, I was able to turn that around but since then have noticed that it is much more prevalent than it used to be.  Once a depressive, always a depressive (as the old adage goes), I quite honestly believe this but it doesn't control me.  You have to let yourself be sad and angry and feel the full range of emotions but you just become more adept at recognising when you're starting to dwell.  My depression has always simmered at a very low heat below the surface and I've more often than not, been able to co-exist.  Its not something that can be cured so once you realise that its never going to be fully gone the sooner you can acclimatise and learn to live with it, You limit or remove the triggers, you talk, you find your happy places and you live your life.

Since it resurfaced, it has been simmering a little closer to the surface than normal, this is what I am basing my lack of sexual desire on.  When you are depressed, contrary to popular you don't want to be close and intimate with someone, you don't want to connect sexually or other ways, you don't want to talk, you just want to be left the hell alone.

{Please realise that these are my experiences and my opinions and not a professional opinion}

My boss asks me almost every day if I've had sex yet and for the last 4 months I've given her the same answer. No, I don't want it.

Thinking about it makes me feel dirty or that its expected of me as my womanly duties for my man.  To take the pressure off me I told my partner what I was experiencing and that it wasn't any reflection on him at all.  He accepted it and 4 months later I think that maybe it could be him.

Then I'm back to that whole scenario, Is what I have with my partner love or convenience, is his unwillingness to help me out around the house causing me to with-hold sex, do I still find him attractive or do I know too much about him now to be blinded by love.  We all have our faults and our less than appealing traits but is there a point where acceptance of these becomes an unwillingness to move on making the relationship one of convenience instead of love. 

Am I still in love or am I just to lazy to reignite it, is it worth it?

There is a difference to being lonely and being alone, I've known both, I can handle being alone, in fact I quite enjoy it, but I didn't like being lonely (who does), the scary question I ask myself is, I know I would be alone if we went our own ways but would I be lonely without him ?

I think I know the answer to this question, but I'm just too afraid to say it out loud because what if its wrong.  I tell myself that I would be fine on my own, and I know I would be, but I would miss him, even thinking about my life without him makes me sad but again, am I sad because of the comfort or love aspect.

Is love the same thing as being in a relationship.  Can you have a fulfilling relationship without love ?  Do we need love or do we just need companionship.