Continuing the theme from the previous post, I am having one of those days - weeks - months.

The big fugly keeps rearing her head and I find myself getting more and more accustomed to her doing so.

One minute I'm happier than a kids meal at Maccers, next thing (and I mean next thing ... as in 0-morbid in 2.5 seconds).

It can't all be boiled down to one thing setting me off, there are a combination of mitigating factors.  Diet, tiredness, unhappiness, financial strain, relationship issues you name it, its all there.

I tend to spend most of my time withdrawn and internal, everything annoys me and nothing placates me, its like I'm on a never ending search for solace but not knowing where I can find it is driving me quietly insane.  I've decided that I don't want to be working where I am but I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place as my boss and I consider each other as friends, I've known her all my life as she is friends with my parents, I've been with this company since April 2000 and as it is only her and I left now (plus our guys on permanent tools) its almost like I can't leave.  I think that is where most of my frustration lies, I don't want to be here but I feel obligated to be, I hate feeling obligated to do anything and yet here I am.  My boss wants me to agree to being here for another 4 years at least, If I could move on now, I would.  I have told her that I want to leave and that at the most I will give her another year, but only because that gives me time to get my shit together for my ultimate job. The Police.  I have my whole life mapped out in the police force.  But even though they take you in until you are in your 40's I want to be able to enjoy it in my early 30's.   Being told that I can't leave until she's ready to sell the business isn't fair.  She'll walk away from this with a lot of coin in her pocket and I've lost 3 - 4 good policing years to a business I couldn't care less about.

The only reason I am still here now is because she has looked after me, but there are swings and roundabouts here, we both look after each other and I dont want to be obligating my future career away on a shitty job.

Then there is the whole relationship issue which is a whole new kettle of fish in itself, I still don't know if I'm happy with the choice I have made, I do like the idea of being in a stable relationship, I enjoy knowing that I can get a hug anytime I want one, But I'm sick to death of having to consider someone else.  So the short end of that stick is that I don't.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not out trawling for new meat, nor am I actively seeking other forms of fulfilment, I just don't know what I want to do or who I want to be anymore.

The thing is, I've been asking myself this same question, over and over again, who am I ... really.   Deep down inside, what makes me like this?  Why am I so fed up with my life, when at anytime in this world there are millions of people who would give anything just to have a piece of what I've got.

Again, not to be taken the wrong way, I do not want to take a long walk off a short plank, I'm still too curious to see where this life is going to take me, I just sometimes wish that my life was like a magna-doodle, mess it up then wipe it clean and start again.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, 75% of my day is spent wondering why I want to crawl into my corner of this universe and cry, the other 25% of it is spent doing so.  I think this is a little bit more than a simple case of "rutting".

Depression is more to the fore at present, and I know she's playing a huge part in this, but thats only because she is the deep feeling part of me, eventually I know she'll shut down my emotions and I'll go all cold fish like normal, I'm mourning something at the moment, maybe its my youth, maybe its my potential, maybe I'm just having one of those days, either way, lets see what tomorrow brings.