I've had a pretty shit weekend, I've realised a few home truths these last few days, I've been wallowing in my own self pity and complete misery listening to music I really shouldn't be listening to and thinking thoughts that are detrimental to my well-being.

I've packed up my happy place and shipped it off to a more worthy cause as it certainly wasn't doing its job with me.

Yes I'm on a downer and have been riding this one out for the last 6 or 7 days, I'm quietly screaming on the inside as I try so hard for people not to notice me.

My main driving focus at the moment is the deeply burning and soul destroying question ...  "How do you know when its over?"

Is it when you don't want to be in the same room as the person you've lived with for 5 years ?

Is it when even the sight of him makes you want to leave the room ?

Is it when you happen to look at him all you do is sneer ?

Is it when you think of being without him and it actually makes you feel ok again ?

Is it when you know somethings tearing you apart inside and you look beside you in bed at 430 in the morning because you can't sleep even though you haven't slept for more than 2 hours in the past 48 and you say to yourself "is this it?"

How do you know when its not "just a phase" anymore ?

How do you differentiate a "phase" from a depressive spike ?

How can you tell whether or not you do still love him even though you can't handle the thought of him touching you ?

How do you pack up a 5 year relationship when your only clear and concise reason is "I don't wanna be here"

In the back of my mind and the deepest recesses of my soul I keep telling myself to talk to someone about it, but what do you do when you have no one to talk to about it because what I have to say could influence their relationship with him and what if this "thing" is only temporary?  Then who ever it was I spilt my innards to will have this knowledge about the inner workings of my relationship and therefore have an unfair insight into "how we almost split"

In keeping my independance and carefully maintaining my own space I've managed to create a little hole for myself that culminated in me sitting on my bed at 12.30 in the afternoon on saturday after he buggered off (thankfully) for the weekend asking myself, "who can I talk to about this" when even before I asked myself the question, the tears teeming down my face and the total emptiness I felt told me that I knew the answer was no one.