I've been on a bender lately. No matter what I do I can't shake it. Seeing as this forum is basically anonymous, its easier for me to talk about it in here.

I've been thinking a lot about death, dying and the like, its been all consuming and even if I actually wanted to stop thinking about it, I don't think I could.

I’ve become more and more self-absorbed, not just with the main aspects of my own life, but with those around me too. I’m giving off so much negativity its horrific. All I want to achieve when I come up against someone or something is to hurt them. I want them to feel what I feel, hear what I hear in song lyrics, be plagued by the 311 (every morning I wake up at 311am on the dot for absolutely no bloody reason) like I am, walk in my steps and deal with these insane demons I do and then see how positive they feel.

Yes I’m feeling fairly sorry for myself. I was told to open up and speak to someone (a professional) about my problems. I did this, I’ve been seeing this lady for almost a month now and I don’t feel as if she has any clue about what the hell she’s talking about, suffice it to say yesterday was my last session with that waste of space.

Everything else is panning out ok, the relationship is still going, not as strongly as I would like but the love is still there so its worth the toothpaste in my opinion. Financially things are about the same as always, ends are meeting, peter is leaving paul alone, we have the basic necessities in life so all is good there too. Family can’t be better, nuff said. Work is work and that’s suits me perfectly.

So why do I feel as if I’m falling apart from the inside out. There’s a rotting sensation churning through me at every conscious moment of my day, something is gnawing away at my inner strength incessantly and its making me less able to cope with even the small things. I even had trouble parallel parking the work van this morning and it’s the only thing I’m really good at.

Half the time I’m fine with everything going on around me and I can even co-exist with the pricks of the world without breaking into a sweat. But always in the back of my mind is that marble bag of little thoughts … why are you here, you don’t wanna be here, you wanna be somewhere else, you don’t even like this person, slag her off, hurt them, do something mean to make yourself feel better, make someone else feel as shitty as you do. Lashing out is probably another thing I can do better than most of the people of this world, I’m blessed with a bit of intellect and a quick sharp witted tongue, I’m suprised that most of the people around me are still around me. My poor boyfriend, he can’t even breathe right sometimes.

I know I’m doing it, I feel their hurt when I say something, I see it in their eyes, that … “shit, not again, why the hell won’t she take the damn meds” look, the meds are NOT an option, they were once, and I swore to all I held sacred that they never would be again.

Then my brother rang me the other night, I wasn’t feeling particularly conversant but its always good to chat to him about the material things in life when he asked me … “How is it possible for you to be the centre of attention at the latest family function, surrounded by at least 10 people, totally in awe of what ever it was you were saying, you were smiling by the way, and yet appear to be the most lonliest person in the world, why are you like that, why can’t you be happy?”

He then progressed on to say that I had been like that for most of my teenaged and adult life, quite at ease with everyone I encountered yet so alone.

I came up with the only answer I knew to be true, “I’ve always been like that, it didn’t matter who I was with or what I was doing, I was always alone, I’ve always felt like that, I’ve become accustomed to feeling alone and nothing I ever did, no one I ever talked to and no one I ever loved enough to share my thoughts with could ever change that”.

It hurt him, I could feel it in his voice, my brother and I are close, very close actually but he is so unlike me that he has no comprehension of what I feel, he can empathise to a point but once it reaches that point hes at a loss. That’s when he said to me “take the damn drugs and get over it, you’re making everyone else feel like shit just because you don’t feel right in the head. Its not fair”.

No shit its not fair, try living it. I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone, its not just you that suffers, its everyone around you and you reach a point when you can’t care about that any more and you just want to wake up in the morning and get through the day as fast as you can so you can have that respite while you sleep.

The simplest yet most shit kicking part of this fucked up insanity is that absolutely no one and I mean NO ONE, can help you but yourself and even then, the work you have cut out for you is the crappest job in the world, but the pay off … you don’t have to be alone all the time, you can let the crowds in, you can talk to someone you care about and mean it and they’ll be able to see humanity in your eyes instead of your desire to be elsewhere or alone.