It appears that my internal demons have abated.

I still find myself zoning out but I'm not dwelling on the sadder parts of what I need to achieve.

The number one improvement has been my sex drive returning.  With gusto!, to my partners absolute delight. 

It has not escaped my thoughts that its been just over a year since Dave's passing but I think my grief ran its course naturally and it was a case of when riding the wave in I could either fight it and try and get back to something I knew or I could hang on for dear life and just see where it took me.  For the control freak in me, the latter wasn't an option so I fought it to start with, once everything I had tried had failed I ran out of energy to carry on battling so I just taped myself to the proverbial board and waited for the wave to carry me off into some unknown foreign land.   And here I am.

I'm about to leave my comfort zone and move into uncharted territory.  Not as daunting as it sounds really but for me it is, I like routine, I like knowing my place and I like to challenge what I know not what I don't.

A while ago I was ready to walk out on my 5 year relationship, I had been physically ready for some time and I was trying to find an excuse, trying to get him to do the walking, to make it so unbearable for me that I had no choice but to leave him behind, fortunately for me I made a last ditch effort to find out where I was going so drastically wrong.  I sought more grief counselling and this old bugger that I dug out of a local paper (in the hope that he was archaic and useless therefore confirming my intense desire to get out) turned me on my arse.  

I had to take a step back and figure out what was most important to me, me, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my dog (yes I had used her as an excuse) but me. 

What did I want. 

Did I want a controlled, lonely, unfeeling and desperate life filled with +1 invitations and meaningless sexual encounters when I could be bothered looking for it or did I want to fight my own personal issues, my own stupidly unrealistic expectations and see what I could achieve when I stopped attempting to control my partner.

Sure I wanted someone who could give me security (not financially but emotionally) but how could that happen when I wouldn't relinquish the reins,not to mention the fact that I needed to start buying in to my own mantra of everything you need as a person is within yourself. 

I wanted someone who makes me feel special, he's been with me now for over 5 years, that in itself means I'm pretty special to him.  He sees me naked every day, he doesn't see what I see, and although its hard for me to comprehend that its a fact he has told me time and time again,  he sees the girl he loves (and on some days he's hard-pressed to understand just why he loves me but he does), he sees me, the real me and I think one of my main concerns was that he would one day see what I saw and he'd run.  He's seen my inner bitch (and the outer one for that fact) but its not something that concerns him.

I wanted more than +1 and for the last 5 years thats exactly what I've had.

He's never hit me, never abused me, never degraded me, never been ashamed of me and never cheated on me and I know in my heart of hearts that he never will, fuck do I have it made or what!  

Sure there are somethings he'll never be, but thats what makes him him and it gives us a conversation topic ... hahahaha.

All I can say is that I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally and the sex !!! OMFG !!!  I love bedtime!