Steve Irwin.

You either loved him or hated him.

I loved him, his passion, his enthusiasm for life not only for his fellow humans beings but for all the creatures of the world, for those who could not speak for themselves he was the voice of understanding.  He made the mundane interesting and he was a world champion for conservation and understanding.

He was an individual backed by a fantastic support crew that brought to light the causes we all tend to dismiss.

He was a hero to be admired and a man to be emulated, a world reknowned entity.

My thoughts are with Terri, Bindi, Robert, his family and his extended family at Australia Zoo.

Humanity has lost a genuine soul and the animal kingdom their champion.  Memories are forever and I look forward to reruns of croc hunter and croc files on Animal Planet.

To all the detractors, I challenge you to live your life with even a small percentage of the passion and conviction that was Steve Irwin.

Stay easy Crocodile Hunter and Rest in Peace.

Well I did it, well half of it "¦

I told my boss late on Friday afternoon that it was time to move on. *Gulp*

I’ve been here for almost 6 and a half years now and it wasn’t going to get any better than what I’ve had for the last year.  No chance of a pay increase, no opportunities to advance past where I am.  There is only 1 person higher up than me and she is my boss.

It was with a little trepidation that I tip-toed through Friday.  I was nervous and excited but mainly petrified at the fact that I was making such a life changing decision.  Life changing for me because it opens the world in all its glory to me.  Rather than festering away in here doing nothing and going nowhere I am about to take that rather monumental step into the unknown.  Get out of the comfort zone and look the world square in the eyes.

I’d been having major talks with my father off and on for the last couple of weeks and I was actually angling myself towards approaching the boss for a payrise.  I chickened out at least twice and felt even more worthless than I had done before all the while becoming more and more bitter about the whole thing.  Dad gave me the push to talk to my cousin who specialises in IT recruiting to see what was available in the workforce in general. 

As luck would have it, there are plenty of jobs available and apparently I have a very "marketable skillset".  The added bonus is that I have a brain and can use it.  Money was a key factor in my decision as according to almost everyone I have spoken to, I am under paid by at least 10k, fancy that!  Now, although money doesn’t drive me it does assist in the day to day running expenses.

My CV went global (well ok only local but global sounded so much better) on Friday afternoon (before I had even told me boss I was looking) and within 10 minutes my cousin had me listed with 5 agencies and I had already fielded 2 calls for agency interviews.  As it was 2.30 pm on Friday afternoon I was pretty impressed.  I waited for BD to leave for the day at 3.00pm and asked the boss for a quick word.  The nerves were there but just well and truly pushed to the back.  I sat down and calmly told her I was going to look for another job.

My dad (Mr Doom and Gloom himself) had told me to prepare for the worst and had turned the situation I was in with my boss into the most hellish kind of nightmare imaginable (Just prepare for the worst bub, you never know, she could get real nasty and tell you to go now then what would you do huh ? huh ?).  I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I’ve known my boss all my life and worked with her for 6 and a half years, I was pretty spot on with my assessment of how she would react but my dad had me so worked up that I was doubting myself.

As it was, the boss had an idea it was coming, she knew she couldn’t keep me, and there was no where else for me to go in this business.  I’ve learnt all I could and short of her leaving me to run the joint, there was nothing left for me to do.  It was a great way to end the day and the week for that fact and we were both able to leave on Friday afternoon knowing each others opinions and headings.

The weekend brought on another challenge.  The worst kind imaginable (well for me anyway).  Having taken that step into future employment I needed to accessorise appropriately.  Yes, that dreaded pastime of all pastimes for people like me "¦  Overweight and anti-shop-a-holics.  I had to go looking for interview clothes and proper office type clothes.

Now, I don’t know if I have ever made this clear, but I absolutely hate clothes shopping.  Maybe its because of my size (even though I hated it when I was a normal sized girl too), but maybe its because of the inconvenience of taking clothes off and on all the time or the extremely exhorbitant pricing of some items. 

I spent most of Saturday with my mum devising the kinds of outfits that would suit me (I have worked in a large professional office before and I know what is expected but I was considerably smaller then and it was a hell of a lot easier).  Suffice it to say, I purchased some lower half attire but am lacking the upper half so more shopping is bound to ensue (and all before Thursday too as I have my first recruitment interview on Thursday afternoon!).

All of this leads into lifestyle change number 2.  This is almost as big as getting out of my current rut.  I’m joining the gym.  Dad and I are both overweight and are both needing some motivation and direction when it comes to physical health.  Dad has joined up at a gym and he bravely approached the topic with me.  Brave because if there is one person I refuse to have point out my faults its my dad (due to the fact that he did it all the time I was living under his roof).  Anyway, my issue was which gym would I join, considering I didn’t know where I was going to work (Wgtn cbd, locally in Porirua or in the Hutt Valley) it was a decision pending. 

After speaking to BD who works for the gym I was considering joining, she told me that If I joined I could attend classes at any of the gyms in the Wellington region, the best part is that they have opened new gyms recently (in all of the areas I mentioned above) and their equipment is state of the art and better yet, NO MEN!  BD has worked in almost all of the gyms in Wellington and she said that by far her current one is much more relaxed and fun.

Configure Express, here I come.

So this is my update, and I’m pretty bloody excited about it, apprehesive, nervous, scared shitless too but I know in my heart of hearts that this is the best thing for me.

If only this big fat ugly shadow following my every waking move would back off I’d be a hell of a lot better.

There is a reason I've been quiet these past few days ...  The things I have been quietly working on and wracking my brain over and wrestling my demons over are about to come to light.

I've been spending the last few days in deep deep discussions with friends and family and today is D-Day in a manner of speaking.

I will update asap ...

Had a smashing weekend!

Had a good drive up the coast, stayed with my cousin, played some bottle top trivia, got a little inebriated, watched the rugby ( go the blacks ) got a little more inebriated, played some sing star, slept, drove home, lunch at parents for Dad's birthday, played some darts (amazingly well considering the incapacity) got home slept solid.

Today ...

Can someone pass me a new head/back/neck/shoulders/throat please ...  Hangover Hayfever Flu Remnants = Unhappy camper but shit! it was worth it

The inability to recoup as quickly as you once were is directly proportionate to the number of years you have been alive ...

I am sick, backed up with the flu and hayfever combined, I feel like a whopping great tree trying to squeeze through a china store.  My head has exploded at least twice and although I have checked to make sure my contacts are in, my vision is all blurry.

I would go home but right about now I don't actually think I'm safe to drive, I mean for starters ...  I can't see my damn keys!

It hurts :o(

I have just spent the better part of 2 hours writing the most fantastic blog entry and instead of clicking on add new entry I hit new entry and lost the whole damn thing ...

it was in colour too ....  :o(  Sooooooooo pissed at me right now!

Ok, So it's out, I work for a window cleaning company.

As with all jobs, it has its ups and downs (gantry jokes aside ...I'll mainly blog the downside as when things are going swimmingly at work, I really don't have the time to surf or think of stuff to blog about).

I am based in the office but have the misfortune of being one of those people that likes to be fully educated about the company I work for, I like to know every job, every client and every aspect of the company so that I don't look a prized twat when asked a question. 

Before I came to this neck of the woods (April 2000) I was fully ensconced in the corporate world of Document Solutions, I was there for 4.5 blisteringly unhappy years and left because my doctor told me if I didn't I would be dead in 2 months.  At the age of 25 I had sunk into a severe depression, weighed in at an unhealthy 54 kgs (seriously, for me that is majorly unhealthy) spent most of my time trying to ride my mtb off any cliff I could possibly find (yes I know I did do it eventually but it wasn't on purpose that time) all with a blood pressure of around 140/120 = Not a good place to be.  So I left my job as a Customer Manager in Sept 99 and went into semi-retirement.  (Yep there is a rather large and complicated story that fills the gaps between Sept 99 and April 00 but I won't go into any detail).

Anyway, When I started this job I initially wanted to be a boring receptionist, I could type letters, answer phones, do the banking etc etc (bearing in mind I was still not in good shape health-wise) The only real problem with that was, my bosses were friends of my parents and they knew I was way to over-qualified to do just those mundane tasks, what clinched it for them was the fact that I knew how to turn on the computer AND operate it.  I digress, push came to shove and 2 months later I've got a second payrise and I've gone from Phone monkey to PA/Office Manager.  With a title like that, you have to know your shit both in your job position and in your industry.  Considering I had just been employed by the biggest (at that time) diversified company in the cleaning industry; one that had been in operation for 15 years (with 90 % of the staff remaining from its inception), I figured that in order to be taken seriously by the guys and the industry and appear "on-to-it" to the clients, I had to know my shit.  I did the only thing I could ... I learnt how to clean a window.  I went out and cleaned windows for a few hours every day and got to know the clients, the jobs, the skills and the guys.  As is quite common in a male-orientated field, they couldn't comprehend why the "office chick" was "on tools" with them and they made it a little tricky but when starting from the ground up you have to learn the hard way.

After about 3 months of learning the ropes (and getting subsequently tangled up in them) I had my own run.  Which was fine.  Until the novelty wore off.  Long story short, I still do pretty much the same thing but ...  I know all the clients, I know every one of the jobs we have (and there are hundreds) I know how we do every single job (Some on gantry, some abseiled, some laddered, some on Cherry pickers ... you get the point) and I also do all of the accounts, the quotes (physically and written) and I keep the office running (and yes ...  I am still the phone monkey too).  The upside to knowing all of the above is that the boss knows she can go away for a few weeks and the business won't fall over, the downside is that the boss DOES go away for a few weeks and it doesn't fall over but I do.

The guys (in their own special way) trust me, the boss and the clients trust me so therefore I'm sweetly set up.  Such a pity that I want out.  I've considered temp work but as I'm not the best at meeting new people or pretending to care for anything they have to say (kids, make up, clothes, sports etc) having to do that more than once or twice a year is REALLY REALLY off putting.

I don't like being an office monkey, I love being outside (yes even in the cold and rain) but unfortunately, I am good at it, I'm too old to learn a new trade, I got my feet wet as a sparky working for my dad until he fired me .... sorry, let me go.  They had no work for casuals and I wasn't allowed to apply for the permanent positions because (and this is in dads own words) You're a girl, girls aren't supposed to be climbing up ladders and wearing tool belts, you should be in an office wearing skirts and high heels.  Yes, he said that.  Thats ok, I love my father, he's only doing his best for me, he can't help his archaic mentality (he's only 53 too), I've grown up with chauvanistic attitudes and although it hurt at the time, it gave me the ability to find out what else I could do.  I've multitudes of jobs, one of my most favourites (and worst) was as a bartender (bar person, bar girl blah blah blah) lots of fun, lots of stress but I did make a very good bouncer, I'm scary.  Hahahaha.

But I always end up doing what I'm good at, Office monkey.  It'll stay that way for a while, until I get enough gumption to get going with something else.

Now, I can't remember why I started blogging this but as I have an idea for something else to blog about, I'll stop doing this and kick into my next one ...

Found something interesting to read as I was checking out someone elses blog ...

http://www.foodfacts.info/extras/mcrules-original-post.shtml

With rules like these, I think I'd be able to manage working the fast food counter

You know, just one day this week I'd like to be the pigeon ... just once.

Long story cut up into bite sized chunks ...

Boss in Australia for 10 days - she needs a break

Dumbarse here in freezing cold Wgtn

BD on mummys computer surfing for anything remotely saleable on trademe (all effing day! well, technically 9 till 3, but still thats her working day)

Dumbarse here doing everything

Boss not contactable for hours

Dumbarse here makes a decision (really quite inconsequential too I might add)

Boss gets snotty

Dumbarse sits here silently stewing

So fucken close to quitting that the ink is still wet on the resignation notice

Dumbarse still sitting at her desk calming down clients and trying to get work done ... why, I don't give a fat rats arse about any of it, who gives a shit if some snotty arseholes windows are still dirty ... get a fucken rag and clean em yourself you lazy pigfaced prick, I don't get paid remotely anywhere near enough for this type of shit and most certainly not to give a damn ...

so why does muggins sit dutifully by and take it all in and then act as a good little nugget should

Fucked if I know, the staff are complete morons, the clients are all wankers (except for maybe a couple) the conditions are crap; if its loyalty ( a complete rarity from what I've been told ) it can pack its bags and find someone elses arse to hide up.

Loyalty gets you absolutely nowhere !  except maybe the bottom of the food chain, working a counter at a fast food outlet is fast approaching desirable.  One down side to that though, I hate people.

....Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam .. and the deer and the antelope play ....

National Bank Horse ... National Bank Horse .....  happy place ... happy place

Holy crap !!!!

I'm feelin' it today!

Everything hurts, it aches, it throbs, I've discovered many new muscles in my insane search for the ultimate thrill but in one spinning class I've managed to locate muscles where there shouldn't be any.  Even my finger nails hate me at the moment.

45 minutes of pure, unadulterated cyclic slog.  BD is pure pure evil on 2 lily white pins.  She was so possessed I felt the need to call on an old priest and a young priest!  She's so mild mannered in the office and yet, get her in front of spin class and she'll blow you away!

Here's a rough idea of how it went ...   warm up, groovy kinda funky music (yep thats me, I like my music) remembering the days of old when I could ride Karapoti in 5 hours with ease, second song, something dancy, a little bit faster but still good, can feel the legs getting the burn and the heart pumping the blood and the lungs reaching capacity (damn those cigarettes), third song in, stationary sprint, good fast music, legs pumping, heart jumping, lungs managing to keep up ... so far so good, then she announces, warm up over, ready to kick into a hill climb ...  hill climb I thought ???  oh crap (yes it gets worse) 1 song down, hill over I thought, nope.  crank the resistance a little more standing hill climb (where you lift your ass off the seat and peddle.  Then came the clincher ... downhill pose, crouched, hovering over the seat, all weight on the legs, keep resistance up and sprint.

Music didn't matter any more, the other people around me didn't matter anymore, the fact that I had no recollection of what my name was let alone what the hell I was doing there didn't mean a pinch of shit, all I knew was that I was in some zone (no doubt left of centre) and unless someone was able to extricate me off my perch, I was there for good.

In the deeper recesses of my rather pounding brain, I could hear a faint cry to stand up and start to bring the bike down, my legs were on fire, my lungs had exploded and I think I left my heart at the start of the hill climb, we slowed it down and hit the warm down and by the time it was over 45 minutes had passed and so had I.

The real funny part (BD told me this AFTER the fact) is watching people get off the bikes after an intense session (it was an advanced class she told me later) their legs are like jelly and they look like someone with rickets who has just been on a muster and had far too much whisky to operate successfully.

Would I do it again ?   I'm going back on Saturday !

We bought the new singstar game on friday (and the original game) so we now have all 5.

Made for some interesting attempts at singing like a professional late on Friday night.

Dave and I are getting so good at hamming it up that we even try to dance at the same time.  One thing we have noticed though, and here's a tip for all you budding sing stars' ...  don't drink lift plus whilst trying to sing a song, your mouth gets all watery and you need to keep swallowing to get the taste out and it ruins your score.

Today I am in recovery mode ...

There is a reason I stopped playing indoor netball ...  Its as blatant as the fat on my ass, I'm too heavy to play competitively and until I lose some more weight, I should not be entertaining the idea of galavanting around a court for 40 minutes believing I can fly.

10 kgs so far isn't too bad, considering I fell off the wagon so hard that I dented the road.  But even I know that just wanting it to happen isn't enough. 

I kicked up my fitness programme a notch or two last week (no, not the netball game) by starting up a Tae Bo workout when I get home from work.  I'd always wanted to try it and when the opportunity to borrow the tapes came up I thought, why not?.  Why not ????   I'll tell you why not ...  Its friggin' hard.  But shit is it fun!!!  After the first 5 minutes (yes I know, that is only the warm up part) I was ready to take a break but as the man said, don't give up, take a break but don't give up, so thats what I did, then my main problem was trying not to laugh at Mr Blanks as I thought everything he was doing was hilarious, but that whole episode was easily over come as I had to struggle to maintain my balance after a series of rather knackering kicks.  The whole thing ended a little ungracefully as I flopped most unceremoniously onto the couch drenched in sweat.  I felt good, I ate a healthy meal and then took the dog for a run around out in the cul-de-sac only to be confronted by my big blokey neighbours from across the street clapping their hands at me counting backwards from 8 and imitating my private workout with Billy, quite ungracefully I might add too.  I didnt know whether to laugh or hide so I did a combination of both and managed to get tripped up by my dog.

Lesson learnt - Close the damn curtains next time !

So all of last week, I did my tae bo work out, and by thursday night I had rhythm and I had the moves down flat, the only problem was that my version of the moves looked nothing like what they should have.  But with all said and done, it is fun and I'm actually at the stage where I'm looking forward to my 30 minute workouts now.

Anyway, back to netball, I came away injury free (suprising?  yes!) and I'm even contemplating playing again.  I can play a hard game of netball as long as I'm on defence.  Maybe by the end of this year I'll be fit enough to hit link but until more weight comes off I won't be considering it.  As for attack ?  I can't shoot so I'm better off in defence, I'm pretty good at that position anyway so I'll just stay there.

I spent about 75% of the weekend in bed just recouping from a hard week at work and aside from the inevitable back trouble it gave me it was good.  I must have been tired as I managed to sleep for most of the time I was in bed.

I am trying a spinning class tonight so I might be able to forgo the tae bo after work, I haven't been on a bike since it threw me off but BD (who takes the class) reckons it'll be a good way to increase my cardio and leg strength without the impact on my knee so we'll see how that pans out.  I'm kind of excited yet kind of scared ...  It means socialising with other people, and gym people aren't my kind of people, but I must have an open mind, after all if I don't like it (or the people) I don't have to go back ...

I watched an interesting documentary called "Loose Change" yesterday afternoon. Check the link!

Its about the alledged terror attacks on the US on 2001.  For all of you conspiracy theorists who have more questions than the media propaganda has answered (why is there no wreckage from the pentagon attack ... how did the towers crumble so precisely ... ) I would seriously suggest finding a copy of this DVD and watch it.  There is some pretty convincing data.  I know I have some questions.

This in no way takes anything away from the victims that have suffered because of this tragedy, all it asks it that who is ultimately responsible.

Friday night was an eventful night.  Every month my partners family have a "pot luck" dinner at one of our houses as a way of keeping in touch with each other.  A good idea, unfortunately I'm not a friday night for entertaining kind of person but as I am just one voice against the masses I just simmer in silence.

I made a pavlova for the first time ever on Thursday night in preparation for the event, and blow me down if opening the door multitudes of times doesn't make it flop.  How else am I supposed to see what colour it is ?  Anyway, I was a little disappointed but as I like chewy pavlova as opposed to the big fat and fluffy ones, I was hoping 1 out of 2 would occur. 

The moment of truth arrived with my pavlova disappearing faster than the home made hotdogs we had made as a main course.

The food aspect was a hit so we were pretty happy.

The family then realised we had singstar, and decided to play it, they all fancy themselves as being rather good singers and were telling each other they would kick each others proverbials so we set it up and watched them play.  I'm a stand offish kind of person (Nah ... Really ??)  I'm a closet singstar and tend to get some pretty high scores (High 8000 to mid 9000) so when they saw that I had played they were all excited, unfortunately I was engrossed in a rather riveting conversation with my partners, Aunties, Partner.

I'll have to admit, I had a rather intense desire to be where ever Steve wasn't, he's a hard guy to like, I'll even go so far as to say he's bloody annoying, but one on one, he's a bloody decent fella.  We started talking about why I was interested in reading the bible and whether  I had it stored on my bookshelf right next to the complete Karma Sutra to make a point.

Steve's an EMT for Wellington Free Ambulance and he's seen a few bad things in his life, he was listening to me chat away and out of the blue when we were outside having a smoke, he asked me "how long have you been battling depression?"  I looked him in the eye and asked him "what makes you ask that ?" he replied, its eeking out your pores.

He then proceeded to tell me that he always saw a degree of sadness and anger in my behaviour but that no one else had ever mentioned it or even acted as if they had picked up on it.  That I keep myself distant by staying busy in the kitchen.  He said that I wear a mask that covers up most of the stuff he can see and that unless you've been there and are looking for it, you can't see it.  I hold myself well and that is probably why people don't pick up on it.

Steve and I ended up talking incessantly for nearly 3 hours and I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  He was asking all the right questions and was able to lead me through a complete conversation without feeling as if I had been invaded.  Steve himself had his first ever dance with the big ugly about 18 months ago and still suffers throw backs now, but as he was telling me his story he felt the same as me, as if a weight was being lifted from him.

Its amazing what talking to someone who knows black days can do.  I think its just knowing that someone else knows what its like to feel so black and lifeless and so fucken miserable.  Misery loves company maybe ?

Somedays you're either the statue or the seagull ...

Today is a statue day and thats about all I'm ready to say about that!

Take care out there ...

btw, CSI new york was a good one last night ...

Having a bad run at the moment, not sleeping, not eating right, I'm either over tired or completely wired.

Everything is stagnant.

Life, work, home ... Nothing exciting planned, not even something remotely different planned either.  We were going to the zoo on Saturday with the niece and nephews, but thats gone tits up as its costing $15 per adult and it may end up being too expensive for the parents.

Petrol has risen.  YET again, I still believe it will be at $2.00 p/l by christmas.

The fog is now so low that I can't see out the window at work, Planes are still taking off and landing though so it can't be too bad at the airport.

I've got so much work on that it's looking likely I might have to put in some weekend time on tools.

The boss is taking yet another trip overseas to aussie as she "needs a break" So I'm in charge again for another 10 days.  I like being in charge as I tend to work a lot better uninhibited by stupidity.  The only down side to that, is that by the time I have everything in order and working efficiently, she comes back and wrecks it all in 10 minutes flat.

I've become more antagonistic in the last couple of weeks too.  I like pissing people off.  well thats not true, I like going against the norm, it just so happens that the people I do that to get annoyed that I don't agree with them.

There's some big changes ahead in my life, I just can't action them yet, I want to wait until after next January so I can get my beach holiday in before I start a new job. 

Procrastination.  My biggest fault.

I've never been overseas, the longer I leave it, the happier I am just watching Pilot guides / Lonely Planet.  Which is quite possibly why I am so angry at myself.

If there was one place in the world that I could be right now it would be at the Louvre Museum in Paris.  They say that its one of the most avoided Museums in the world simply because of its size.  People get lost in it and spend most of their time trying to figure out how to get out of it.  I'd would simply love to be lost in that museum.  I read a book called the Journeyer about 3 years ago.  It had details of an artifact belonging to Marco Polo that is on view there.  Whether or not its true, I want to see if its there.

I also want to see the pyramids in egypt.

I have a thing for big places, spacious places, I think I like being in surroundings where you can't help but feel alone, maybe its because thats simply how I feel all the time anyway.  Maybe its comforting.  Maybe its the feeling of complete and utter insignificance in comparison to the greatness of all of these monuments.  A lot of the time I feel of no consequence any way so what difference would it make where I felt it.

About 7 years ago I was at the wrong end of a pretty destructive relationship and it also happened to coincide with me having quite a bit of money stored up.  My intention (when I was lucid enough) was to buy myself a one way ticket to Ireland and travel until I found somewhere beautiful and remote enough to top myself.  I just needed to be in the right frame of mind to get my affairs in order and to make that final step.  Strangely enough, that final step was elusive and here I am today.  Bitching about anything I can.

Anyway, I'm going home early today (on time) and I've got a fantastic night of cleaning the house and eating last nights left overs for tea to look forward to.

On the up side, my mum and dad got back from their trip up north and came bearing gifts.  I now have 2 copies of the bible (new and old testaments) to read.  I just need to get into the right lane in my head to start the begatting.  I figure that if I can read LOTR numerous times, the Silmarillion twice and understand and enjoy shakespeare, I can tackle the bible without being thrown off most unceremoniously.

Ah well ... time to play in traffic.

Take care all.

It is quite conceivable that someone will be offended by what I am about to say, but in typical me fashion, I don't give a rats toss.

I have no kids, unless I was comatose for 9 months and therefore not there for the conception and/or event.  In previous blogs I have made mention of the fact that I do not have a desperate wish to have kids nor do I entertain the idea that accidents may happen (double contraception puts well and truly paid to that theory).  Technically, if my damn doctors would allow it, I'd have elective surgery to make sure that it wasn't to happen regardless of whether I was a willing participant or not.

It is an informed choice I have made, it is a choice purely for me by considering the pros and cons and involved some serious weighing up of advantages and disadvantages.  Its not something I decided lightly and it was certainly not a spur of the moment thing.  Being that it involves my body and my sometimes fragile mind, I have the ultimate right to decide; correct ?

Apparently not.

According to the mother-in-law, its selfish.  How could I be so selfish? so I asked her, who am I being selfish towards ?  Funnily enough she had no real response except an indication that maybe my mother and father would like to be grandparents.  Well considering both of my brothers have that covered I think its null and void.  Upon talking about it further with my respective and mostly respectable better half, he's been shouldering a fair amount of pressure from said mother-in-law.  Questions like; when are we getting married, when are going to buy a house, when are we going to start giving her grandchildren.  I got angry.  As is quite common when people like to know my business when its got absolutely nothing to do with them.  I asked my partner what his response was ... he said and I quote "Never, when we're good and ready and never" I laughed, he's obviously been around me far too long.

When He and I got together many moons ago, I said right from the outset, I didn't want kids, I didn't believe in marriage and one day I'd like to buy a house.  I believed in being totally upfront and honest with him and at the risk of bringing all the important things to the fore at such an early stage of our Rabbit phase I suggested we have a quick sit down chat.  I wasn't asking him for a lifetime committment or a ring on my finger within a year, I wanted him to know where I stood so that he could figure out which way he wanted to go.  I know a lot of people that believe women are more into kids than men, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  I told him of my stance on the topic and that if he wanted to be a father and raise a family he was with the wrong girl.  I think its best to get those issues sorted before you get too close so its a little easier to walk away when you haven't invested so much.

Luckily (sometimes) for me, he was of similar mind so 5 years later, here we still are.

My main point (well one of them) is why is it expected of daughter in-laws to pop out kids.  Just because they did and just because they want grand kids, why is so much emphasis placed on pro-creation.  The thing is, the whole idea of me having kids is disgusting, I couldnt think of anything worse, they'd drain my emotions, my wallet and my sanity.  I don't have patience, I don't have tolerance of stupid things or people and I generally just don't give a shit about someone elses kids or their problems so motherly get togethers is out.  I have maybe 3 exceptions to that rule, 1. my brothers' kids (both brothers), 2. my closest friends kids, 3. My Cousin Darren's kids.  In saying that, they don't walk all over me, if they thought being cute and smacking me was par for the course (like my niece yesterday) they need to rethink their strategies, I'll bloody well smack them back and see how they like it.  She didn't, she apologised (without being prompted) and life went on.  I would risk my own life for the aforementioned kids, but couldn't give a flying f*ck about someone elses.

Sure I think the state of child welfare here in NZ is a bit piss poor but its not really my problem is it.  Its tragic, yes, just stay the hell out of my wallet.

Parents should be pre-approved, a licencing system should be put into place for people wanting to add to the worlds congestion, I'm not saying 1 home = 1 child, I'm saying fit parents = children, when you see unfortunate situations like the Kahui twins it makes me angry that 2 small lives have gone to waste and there are people like my cousin and her husband who have been trying for 7 years to have kids and can't.

I was working in town on tools today and nearly got knocked off my ladder by a kid who thought it was really funny to kick the legs, when I politely asked him to stop doing what he was doing he laughed at me and carried on.  A rather intense incident ensued which resulted in his mother and I having a slanging match where she called me a stupid fat n*gger and I called her an unfit mother.   She cried, I laughed and the kid stood there appalled.  Now I don't know how other persons may have reacted but I promptly turned to the kid in question and told him his mother was racist and he made her a bad mummy.  Did I go too far ?  I don't care.  The "stupid" part I could forgive as she didn't know my intellectual capabilities, the "fat" part well that was neither here nor there, the racist slur ? there was absolutley no need for it, it was something she said out of vehemence and although she may have been stating the obvious, it needn't have gone that far.

I can handle criticism, I can handle abuse provided it is to my face and is valid, being abused for asking her son to stop being a shithead is not what I would call valid.

I apologised for calling her a bad mother and said that as I had absolutely no idea what kind of mother she was it was unwarranted, but that if she didn't want to cop flack like that again, maybe she should rethink her options when championing her sons ill-mannered causes, because the simple thing is, if he had done that to the wrong kind of kid or person, he wouldn't have gotten away with it so easily.

Yes I have a mouth on me, I don't deny it, I don't think I'm wrong in expressing my opinions or voicing my displeasure, I don't care for what she or anyone else thinks of me.  

When they left the scene another person came up to me and said "he was just a kid being a kid"

Which brings me to my other point (and yes, I voiced it to the concerned member of public).  Why should I have to make allowances for other peoples kids.  Parents are responsible from the date of conception till the day the kid leaves home, regardless of what they think.  They are the ultimate in ensuring their kids are raised right and can make something of themselves worth being considered a valuable member of their family and society.  Too many times I see kids getting away with things because of their age.  Where do their parents fit into that equation. From a certain point in a persons life they are obligated to take responsibility for their own actions and to face the consequences of the choices they make.  If they aren't given the right perspective to start with what bloody hope do they have.

Which leads me to my final point (for now).  Wah Wah Syndrome.  This is where inadequate parenting comes back to bite the parents on the ass.

Master noidea gets a brand new car because (hell I dunno) he turned 15.  Master noidea proceeds to drive said car into another causing all manner of damage and if he's the unlucky sort, hurts someone in the process.  Peer pressure, TV, Mates, society did this to him, he's a good kid really ... he gets a break, loses his licence for a pathetic amount of time, gets a new car to celebrate regaining his licence and kills someone.  Wah wah to mummy or daddy, I didn't mean to do it, I was just having fun, I didnt see them, they started it, so and so were doing it and they didn tget hurt or caught blah blah blah and they'll bail him out because of either compensation for not giving him proper values or because he's a product of an ill mannered and intolerant society, after all, it's not their fault.  Son realises he can do as he bloody well pleases and continues to do so until the day he dies.

What happened to good old fashioned family values of respect and honesty.  Where you could rely on a neighbour or a friend to promote good values.  Where if a kid did something wrong the parents would come around shame faced and drag the kid along to apologise then they'd all sit around and have a cuppa.  Have we really become so caught up in the value of money that we'd risk our old age by having spoilt little "geteverythings" ruin it for us.  Have we become so un-family that even though we pop out the kids ... someone else will pick up the shortfall (teachers) but hey at least I have kids and they'll look after me when I need it.  Like hell they will. 

The idea of having a legacy through your children is in my eyes not only stupid but in some cases ill-conceived.  If you are going to build a legend through your offspring at least take the time to raise them yourselves and properly too I might add.  A proper legacy is one in which you are known for who you are and for what you have done, not for who you begat.

Well, I'm back at work after having a couple days off, well when I say a couple, I mean I was in in the morning but left not long after I came in.

Due to a variety of physical accidents suffered over the course of my previously active life, I managed to sustain a plethora of interesting injuries. Namely, a broken lower back and neck.  It is because of these that I gave up my one true love - Mountainbiking (because thats what you do when something or someone you love hurts you too much or you could take the self-harm approach because afterall, I was kinda doing it to myself by choosing to partake).

Considering it was over 7 years ago that I nearly killed myself attempting flight off a sexy piece of single track, you'd be correct in thinking that I should have gotten over the whole over-compensation thing, alas, not in this case as being laid up in traction not once, but twice in 18 months tends to stay firmly ingrained in the recesses of the brain (So much for the getting back on the horse theory) All I remember is that I was angry when I rode (and I used to ride hard) and I was numb when I came around, 30 feet lower than I last remembered.  Anyway, I digress, it is a well known fact that since I cut mountainbiking out of my life, I became ... larger.  With the excess weight I've become more cumbersome and sometimes my brain thinks my body can still do some of the things I used to with ease, then at the very last minute, it remembers and I stop or attempt to stop before I hurt something and I over compensate on one side or part of my body and it can't take it.  Suffice it to say, I injured my lower back muscles and looked like a heavily pregnant woman every time I tried to sit down.  I am fully aware of the fact that movement is always best when you injure your back, it was drummed into me after my first wee accident and I have stuck with those principles ever since.  The only real problem with that was that I could walk, but I couldn't bend, crouch, lean, sit or lie down, all of which meant that regardless of the back exercises I have stored in my head, none of them could be accomplished.  I had to resort to some serious drug taking which I am pleased to announce has worked.

What started the whole thing off ?  Well the nasty weather managed to pop a window out at home which in turn created a vacuum suction and blow effect which in turn kept popping the manhole cover in the roof off which in turn managed to smash a wee small hole in the roof itself which meant that I had to get up and try and cover it before the heavy rain seeped in and damaged the house which meant going outside in a howling gale and torrential rain at 3am in the morning which caused my stoopid dog to get excited thinking she was getting some playtime which meant that the funnier the movements I made the more happy she got and she got between my legs and I went down the steepest part of my backyard straining my poor unawakened back muscles into oblivion.  The end picture looked something the creature from the deep but instead of seaweed it was grass and mud and a look in the eyes that would freeze hell.

After two days of writhing agony in which I managed maybe 2 hours of sleep I was finally able to drift into a drug induced sleep of peaceful dreams.  I awoke this morning finally ready to rejoin the human race.  Although I had been coming in to work at the normally horrific time of 640am on wednesday and thursday morning that kind of movement acted more as a deterrent for healing than anything.  I was a little bit pissed that the boss was still silently insisting that I still meet the guys first thing in the morning but at least it meant I had to get out of bed, (or off the couch which is the only place I could get sleep) shower and go. 

But I'm back at work now albeit slightly drugged up to remove any semblance of pain and I am ready to contribute.  Best I actually get on with some work then.  Once I find my desk under all this paper that has been deposited on it.  (I hate messy desks!!)

Happy friday people!

I'm feeling restless, as the title says.

I've bitched about work many times in here and I've also had some good things to say about it, I'm at an impass at the moment.  I want to be here, but I also want more money.  I know my boss won't give me an increase even though what I do warrants one, she'll offer me other perks and stuff like that but sometimes you just want the money.

I enjoy going out on tools, it keeps me sane getting out of the office and ripping around town but I keep sensing that I'm being taken advantage of and its really actually starting to get on my nerves.

My cousin is in the recruiting industry (IT) and I've approached her about whats available for someone like me, maybe something entry levelish and she's told me that with I do here and now I can make a truckload more than I make now doing the same stuff but just somewhere else.

Then comes the scary bit, I've worked solidly now (except for the 15 month retirement I took in 99/00) for nearly 15 years, had a variety of jobs but I've only ever had one official job interview.  Its not the confidence aspect I'm worried about, I've got enough false bravado up my kilt to refloat the Titanic, its the whole process that scares the bejeebers out of me.  Is it fear of rejection at CV stage?  Is it fear of rejection at interview stage?  Am I a professional office type ?  Will I do ok ?  Who TF knows, personally even though I bitch about being stuck in a rut, its safe, its clean, its mine, its familiar and I can control it.

You know I think it might actually be easier for me to walk out of my relationship than to walk out of this job (not that I'm about to do that ... yet), I know I can survive a break up on my own, I've been there enough and they would have been far worse than this one could or would be, but I've never been out of work before, I've always had the great fortune to slide from one job to the next and as condescending as this sounds, I've always been brighter than those I'm working with or for.

Going out into the great unknown employment universe scares me, the work doesn't, but my ability to cope does.  Not to mention the whole getting along with people thing and the making nice with new people thing.  I hate people, especially new people, with new expectations and new lunchtime rituals and new interpersonal relationships, I don't like people knowing my shit (and before you start, its anonymous in here) I don't like feeling like I have to fit in because the simple thing is I do everything possible to buck the trend (eg I wear pants that fit and clothes and shoes that are comfortable), I don't like new things.  Sure its exciting and all that, but once that 5 seconds is over, all you've got left is a whole new kettle of fish to aclimatise to on top of learning your new job.  Even worse still is the probability that I'll have to dress up (bear in mind that I have a company uniform where I am now and as luck would have it, I designed it, its practical for the work we do and it also requires no make up, high heels or skirts of any form or shape).

There are only 2 things making me want to leave, unfortunately, the fact that I'm unhappy with the current arrangement and I want more money are those 2 reasons means that I have no choice but to move on.

Scary shit ...

This weekend was by all accounts pretty good, considering I am not a very good weekend person, this all stems from being a total bore.  I have no hobbies, interests or sports to play and more often than not, its due to sheer laziness or tiredness.

But this weekend was different, I hate sitting at home doing nothing, I like to be busy or at least have something to do, even mowing the lawns is something for me to look forward to, just because it gets me out of the house and doing something productive.  If I could work on the weekend I would, but alas, I'm too efficient during the week and the only work on tools is generally something just out of my league so its best left to the foreman to get it done.

Anyway, last friday night, on my way home, when everyone else is excited about their weekends, I was dawdling (at 120ks ... ok not dawdling) home and decided I was not going to be a couch tater.

My boyfriend and I went out for tea at my favourite chinese restaurant (in upper hutt of all places) and then we went to the driving range ... points to note :

1)   I am not a golfer, never have been, never will be

2)   I am not even a good pretend golfer

3)   I am not Happy Gilmore

4)   I am ambi dextrous

So with all that information intact, I did what I always did when I went to the driving range, grabbed a big bucket of balls (as well as a putt load of nads so as to pretend not to care that people were looking at me being a dick), a right handed driver (or two) and off I went ...

Long story short ... Not very good at hitting the ball (as per usual visits), tried left hand driver ... 150m mark on first shot, felt a hell of a lot better so decided my problem with the driving range is that idiot head here was swinging the wrong way!!!

A good night was had by all ...

Saturday was spent couped up with saturday-itis (headachy etc) Sunday we went to Te Papa to see the LOTR exhibit (FINALLY I might add).  Really enjoyed myself.  Went to muma nd dads for dinner and darts and got home in time to watch CSI.

Was a great weekend.

Big ugly hasn't surfaced lately, maybe shes got stage fright with this freakishly cold weather ... my digits are like ice blocks !!!!!

Anyway, time to do something constructive ....

Buggered if I know what though ...