Its been a while ...

So busy, so tired and so far I'm loving it!

Well to a point I am, It's harder than I thought getting used to the hours, I was very accustomed to the early start of 0630 and early finish of 1600, but now I'm not even awake at that time let alone on the road.  I start work at around 0830 now and finish at 1700.  Even though I'm doing shorter hours, they seem longer because I'm finishing work when everyone else does.  Traffic isn't a problem as its only 10 minutes from home but it just seems wierd.  The big difference comes with the type of work I'm doing.  Its a full on mental drain which is really good.  I like being able to stretch my brain, the unfortunate thing is I need more work.  I am getting bored in the afternoons when my payroll job starts to wind down and keep getting little bitsy jobs to do before we finish. So aside from the payroll, I'm not picking anything else up ... yet.

We had our annual beach holiday this weekend just gone and even though it was good to be around family and have a 4 day weekend but the weather was shite!  I was quite content to put up with our non-existant summer as long as I got a minimum of 2 days of blaring hot sunshine for the beach, unfortunately I must have made a typo in my email to the weatherman as instead of 2 days I got 2 hours.  I was not impressed as by the time I got home I felt more washed out than before I had left (No pun intended).

I have already managed to accrue 2 days in lieu for working boxing day and the day after new years, so I have another day up my sleeve.  The beauty of this job is that my boss tells me that she insists that everyone takes one of the weeks off in between christmas and new year and at least another week block early in the year, so next year I will get to do more than just a 4 day weekend.

Everything at home is as it should be so there are no complaints there.

Christmas was interesting as we called in to see my old boss and bd to say hi.  Its strange how clingy they have become.  I was most impressed with the fact the they had not emailed or called me with any queries about my old job, I thought they had it all sorted.  It wasn't until I got a call about 2 weeks ago from bd asking if I could help her with the bank rec over the phone.  Being that they are a small company, the bank recs used to take me no longer than 5 minutes each week.  I thought, fantastic, this is her first tricky spot and after 6 weeks she must be doing well.  Until she started to explain it over the phone, she'd lost a deposit so I was getting her to check dates she had entered in etc it wasn't until a few minutes later when she couldnt find it that I realised we were talking December dates, and not just any december dates, it was the 8th of December statement and I left on the 8th of December.  I ended up going in to the office later that week after I'd finished work and what a mess, she had been doing partial statements but couldn't get the balances right (DUH) so I just deleted everything and started it back from scratch.  2 hours later I was shattered but they were done.

They want to come and see me at work for lunch but I don't quite know how to tell them that I can't really stop work just to entertain them, my new job is a real job not a mickey mouse op like my old one.  So I just keep putting them off saying I'm absolutely flat out.

So thats it so far ...  I have run out of brain capacity to go on about anything else so I will cut out here.

Toodles poodles

take care...

It appears that my internal demons have abated.

I still find myself zoning out but I'm not dwelling on the sadder parts of what I need to achieve.

The number one improvement has been my sex drive returning.  With gusto!, to my partners absolute delight. 

It has not escaped my thoughts that its been just over a year since Dave's passing but I think my grief ran its course naturally and it was a case of when riding the wave in I could either fight it and try and get back to something I knew or I could hang on for dear life and just see where it took me.  For the control freak in me, the latter wasn't an option so I fought it to start with, once everything I had tried had failed I ran out of energy to carry on battling so I just taped myself to the proverbial board and waited for the wave to carry me off into some unknown foreign land.   And here I am.

I'm about to leave my comfort zone and move into uncharted territory.  Not as daunting as it sounds really but for me it is, I like routine, I like knowing my place and I like to challenge what I know not what I don't.

A while ago I was ready to walk out on my 5 year relationship, I had been physically ready for some time and I was trying to find an excuse, trying to get him to do the walking, to make it so unbearable for me that I had no choice but to leave him behind, fortunately for me I made a last ditch effort to find out where I was going so drastically wrong.  I sought more grief counselling and this old bugger that I dug out of a local paper (in the hope that he was archaic and useless therefore confirming my intense desire to get out) turned me on my arse.  

I had to take a step back and figure out what was most important to me, me, not my family, not my boyfriend, not my dog (yes I had used her as an excuse) but me. 

What did I want. 

Did I want a controlled, lonely, unfeeling and desperate life filled with +1 invitations and meaningless sexual encounters when I could be bothered looking for it or did I want to fight my own personal issues, my own stupidly unrealistic expectations and see what I could achieve when I stopped attempting to control my partner.

Sure I wanted someone who could give me security (not financially but emotionally) but how could that happen when I wouldn't relinquish the reins,not to mention the fact that I needed to start buying in to my own mantra of everything you need as a person is within yourself. 

I wanted someone who makes me feel special, he's been with me now for over 5 years, that in itself means I'm pretty special to him.  He sees me naked every day, he doesn't see what I see, and although its hard for me to comprehend that its a fact he has told me time and time again,  he sees the girl he loves (and on some days he's hard-pressed to understand just why he loves me but he does), he sees me, the real me and I think one of my main concerns was that he would one day see what I saw and he'd run.  He's seen my inner bitch (and the outer one for that fact) but its not something that concerns him.

I wanted more than +1 and for the last 5 years thats exactly what I've had.

He's never hit me, never abused me, never degraded me, never been ashamed of me and never cheated on me and I know in my heart of hearts that he never will, fuck do I have it made or what!  

Sure there are somethings he'll never be, but thats what makes him him and it gives us a conversation topic ... hahahaha.

All I can say is that I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally and the sex !!! OMFG !!!  I love bedtime!

This is my last week at my current job.

It's exciting and scary but hey, I'm 32 years old, time to act like a grown up even if I don't feel like one.

My new job is as payroll and admin assistant with a whole pile of PA and additional extras thrown in for good measure.  There are over 200 staff members (a big jump on my current situation where I am 1 of 8 full time staff) and its a 24/7 operation.   I'm working for a fairly large transport company specialising in cold storage and temperature and ambient controlled transport.  Ambient controlled means that the termperature changes with the external temperature.  It took me a serious amount of digging to find that out as I thought it may be something that came up in the interview.

I start next monday and I'm a little apprehensive.  It means I've lost all my incoming holidays but means I get a fair whack of dough when I finish this friday.  This of course comes in handy for squaring up those bills that have managed to get away from me lately.

BD has been working her ring out to pick up everything she can from me and her notes folder has become somewhat of a filing cabinet of late.

I have every confidence she will be able to do everything, she just needs to be put on the spot until she gets it.  At the moment she knows that I'm still around to fall back on and does so when things get a little tricky.  I think its a good thing that I am getting out now even though I have said it before, its defintely a family business and even though I have known these people all my life, I'm not blood and therefore expendible.

I do wish them all the best and I know they wish the same for me.  The work for me was becoming mundane and I spent more time organising their private lives than doing actual paid work, I had learnt all I could and it was time for me to move on. 

Now in a weeks time I will end up in BDs position, in a new company, learning a completely new job, in a completely new industry with completely different people.  The hard part will be finding my place in the personality pool, to see where I fit in and what I can achieve.

I'm looking forward to it ...

Although, if you want to be technical, I was back on Sunday evening.

Debrief ...

Drive up to Auckland on Friday made some points glaringly obvious ...

1.   I'm not as young as I used to be,

2.   I can't handle a straight 8 hour drive like I used to

3.   Granny naps are fantastic

4.   Taupo really has nothing to offer (fantastic lake views aside of course)

5.   Road works outside of Hamilton SUCK

6.   Saving the sugar rush for an hour out of Auckland is the best idea I have ever had

7.   My mum is the best travel companion

8.   The holden didn't suck as much gas as I thought it would

Saturday was a little exciting as we just hung out with my sister and my aunt/uncle/cousins came around and we just shot the breeze, I could very easily have forgone the concert and just laxed out on my sisters deck in the sun but I had people expecting me to go so I did.

Point to note :  Mt Smart is big, Mt Smart takes 17 minutes of hard walking to get around, Portaloos are horrible things but a necessary evil, Danish ice creams are a necessary evil too .

I will say this, I saw them the last times they were here, but being older and more appreciative brings out the howly bag in me.

Lets just say this ... I jumped, I screamed, I danced in the aisles (Yes aisles, I'm out of my depth in GA these days too old to cope and too broken to last) I waved my arms and other parts of my body and along with almost 50,000 other people, I cried.

There was speculation that Bono's voice might have taken a hammering and that he was compensating but what I saw and heard and felt in the depths of my heart had no twinges whatsoever of compensation.  Miss Sarajevo was magic, he swung full steam into Pavarottis aria and didn't bat an eyelid, Sometimes you can't make it on your own, for his dad, pure emotion!  then the song me and probably countless others were waiting for, 1st encore, 3 song ... With or without you, cliched yes, overplayed yes, its the song I heard nearly 17 years ago that opened up my world to U2, and it will always be the song I love the most, he sang, I sang, the crowd sang, I cried, the crowd cried, I shook my head and closed my eyes because it became too much, I felt like one of those screaming girls at a bon jovi concert where the emotions get too much and you just scream and cry (except I didn't scream) I just overflowed. 

When I first discovered U2, I was just beginning my fascination with the drums, for almost 17 years, I have been infatuated with Larry, watching him on the big screen play this song, made my heart just skip and bounce around inside my chest cavity, he became the reason I followed U2, he became the reason I tried to actually learn the drums, I learnt 3 songs, with or without you, bullet the blue sky and stairway to heaven, I can still kind of play them now (in my head) but he was the reason I fell for drummers.  He isn't quite Lars ulrich (thank fuck!  good drummer but king kong sized ego) but its just the fact that he is so sexy and silent and unassuming ...  totally totally everything I want!  Electrical storm video I found myself seriously disliking Samantha morton as she got to romp around in a bath with him ... OMG at him actually doing a video !  and he has the best neck/shoulder physique I have ever seen (and I'm a serious neck/shoulder kinda girl), boy could I snuggle into that every night.

I Digress!

Long story - short ...

the best concert I have ever been too, their other 2 included, mainly because of my maturity levels now, (I've been to a lot of concerts, some good, some great, some really really bad),  with a voice like a fine wine, Bono made everyones hearts sing, edges guitaring with that unmistakeable U2 sound searing a well trodden path into our hearts and making everyones night magical, and in row a, seat 1, west stand  .... Larry made mine.

Thank you to Heather and FF for their well wishes and advice.  I looked up furniculosis on the internet ... and ewww.  No it wasn't that that I had, thankfully, although anyone who has suffered from that I sincerely send my best wishes.  My face has resumed its natural look, which is thankfully, better than what it looked like in its eruption phase but I am guessing it is in most part due to the cessation of the anti-combos.

Slappa ... the whole sister thing is kinda wierd but I suppose only those of us in the situation know what its like to miss someone right in front of you.  Sorry about the novels I keep leaving you, I don't know how to harp on in short story format. LOL.

Anyway, last night was my mother in laws 50th birthday, it was quite good.  Coming from a fairly reserved and observant family situation myself, to go to a themed party and actually see people in hired costumes making total twats of themselves was fascinating to say the least.  My brother in law is due back from the states this week and even though he's only been gone for about 5 months I've really missed him, he is the most RSB (Rip shit or bust) guy I know and he's pure entertainment when in full swing but he is a fantastic guy.  He was part of a contingent of house movers from his company that went to New Orleans to assist in the transportation of new homes into the area after Katrina.  One thing he has said is that what we see on the tv broadcasts and the update doco's on the situation is crap.  So many people are still homeless, they are turning some of the more affordable areas into places where the normal residents can no longer afford to live and only some parts of New Orleans have been made habitable, and again, not for those that need it most.  Now I'm not one for preaching the needs of those that hold their hands out the farthest, but shit thats just plain ridiculous.  He also said that the teams he was working with were bringing in so many houses that they ended up on lots waiting for their assigned addresses, the problem was that many of those hired to lay the foundations for these homes were dragging their feet as they were paid labourers and got paid for their time, so the longer they took, the more they got paid.  After a month of transporting houses they ended up being temporarily reassigned to another company in Iowa until the backlog was cleared.  He can't wait to get home as he misses us all and he's sick of the smell.

To be continued ...

I am betterer than I was last week.

I am still suffering throat and chest infections but thats ok, the worst part of the whole thing is that my face is breaking out!  I'm 32 years old and for the first time in my life, I'm having an attack of the pimples.  I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I have never ... ever ... had so many pimples on my face and these suckers are vicious little bastards!

I cleanse, I tone and I moisturise - the good stuff, not the expensive - sell - your - soul - to - afford - it kinda good but its light, oil free and non smelly and its within my budget, as soon as I get home I wash my face and go no - frills and all weekend I am product free so what is it about a cocktail of prescribed drugs that grows mountain ranges on my face.

All I know is that I don't like how it looks and I certainly don't like not having a smooth and clean face when I wash my day off ...

On a happier note, my sister made a suprise visit down to wellington on friday, her partner had a longhaul run to wellington and she thought ... what the hell and came along for the ride.  We hung out, gossipped, cried, discussed our futures, cried some more and ate.  I really miss her but the funny thing is I really miss her heaps when she's here, when she's at her home its not as hard to deal with, but when she's here I miss her ... hard to explain so I won't even start.

The older of my two little brothers turned 30 on Friday.  It knocked me on my arse because I actually felt old.

Thats about it ... 11 days to go till its U2 weekend ... 

I am having one of the worst health episodes ever!

A week ago (yes, last friday evening) I felt the dreaded "fat throat" kicking in, you know where you can feel that its about to explode and its about then that you decide to cram every tasty food imaginable into your mouth because within hours you will lose the ability to distinguish flavours.  Well food scrum aside, I managed to retain my sense of taste, but I lost all ability to move my neck.  One of my glands was worthy of casting in some B grade horror and the other was trying to make out like it was normal.  The right hand side of my neck was arnie sized and boy did it throb.  I couldn't swallow without pulling the ugliest face in the world so I resorted to sleeping in the hope that the cocktail of antis' I had taken would resolve my problem (and it also helped that when you sleep you don't swallow).  Monday morning arrived and I felt like I had gone 10 rounds with tyson.  Whether or not that was due to the antis' or whether it was due to the second neck I was growing I dragged my sorry arse into work and managed to function until about 10 am where I dragged my sorry arse home.  Went to the docs and yes, she confirmed what I had already assumed ... glandular fever.  The funny thing was when she went to check my throat she got as far as ... "say ahh... nevermind, no wonder your throat is sore ... oh you poor dear, have you seen this ?"  She loaded me up with more prescriptions and I went home to sleep ...  today is Friday and I have yet to manage a full day at work.  Tuesday I didnt even get out of bed, I sent a few garbled texts to to various people at 6am and then proceeded to grab a fistful of antis' and knock myself out, wednesday I managed to get to work and was home again by lunchtime, same with thursday and I was starting to come right, this morning I wake up at 2am unable to breathe and swallowing was pure suicide.  I did manage to get to work and was told by all in sundry that I looked like shit.  I got back to the office and slunk into my car and nearly hit my boss as she rounded into our carpark (doesn't help that she uses both sides of the road).  She ended up getting someone to drive her truck to my house so she could drive me home.  Now whilst I have been concentrating on Anti inflamms to bring down the swelling and the pain in my neck, I have had to resort to a more solid course of Anti biotics to kill the throat infection and the phlegm infested coughing fits that have manifested.

I hate being sick, I'm a shitty patient and I hate missing work.

I'm in a foul mood and the only saving grace I have is that the documentary channel is up and running and I can attempt to learn something.

I hope everyone else is faring better than me ...

Still no job yet ... 

Well, Spring has definitely sprung, the weather is shite and is apparently gonna stay this way.

I'm glad I took the extra day off on Friday to do my outdoors chores because my poor bush-bashing dog would have been lost for all intents and purposes if I hadn't mown the lawns and found where she has been hiding for the last 2 weeks.

I contemplated a flat out weekend of mayhem and debauchery but chose instead to go out and buy a fat-assed tv.

Suffice it to say, I ended up having to bake cookies, scones and rock cakes in order to have food to eat but hey, at least I got a nice big tv to match my nice big 6 channel surround sound for that all important morning wood effect when watching metallica play fade to black live.  I made myself a promise (the same one I have been making now for nearly 17 years) ... before I die , I will play the drums like Lars ... Just for that song of course ... it will probably take me 20 years to learn it.

Anyway, only a month to go before I take a nice long drive to see U2.  Last time they were here I had a nice long hitch-hike as I wasn't driving then but times change, people grow up.

Time to go ... gym time ...  have managed to drop another 4 ks in the last week, its getting good now because people are noticing ...

Still no job, but thats a whole other post

I will start off by stating that I have rediscovered my inner party girl!

This weekend was awesome, I managed to forget the world for about 10 hours and it didn’t even involve sleeping.  I drowned myself in the extremely intoxicating effects of Mr Beam (Jim) and I lived to tell the story.  Well, the parts of it that I remember of course.

It started out with a fairly blustery day on Saturday, not a good day for a wedding but none-the-less it went ahead.  It was a nice ceremony if you cut out the part where the pastor condemned all of us unmarried couples living in sin to hell.  I think it went along the lines of ""¦God has deemed all of those who live as a couple enjoying all of the benefits of marriage without the sanctity of his governance will not know heaven and all of His love.  They are living illicit lives and under the eyes of those of us who believe in Him and His powers it is illegal. "¦"  It was about then that I decided Jim and I would be friends.  One of the key elements I saw throughout the procedings was the sheer hypocrisy of some of their beliefs.

One of my cousins is openly gay and has been for at least 10 years.  Her and I get along really well and initially she wasn’t invited to the event.  In light of her parents being somewhere in Europe at the time of the wedding it fell to her to attend.  She was not aware of the fact that it was a Destiny Church wedding and suffice it to say, she was pretty surprised.  My cousin works in parliament for the Labour Government and was present for the Destiny march on parliament grounds.  On Saturday she told me that she had never ever before felt such hatred for being who she is.  It is the first time she has ever expressed any emotional response to reactions from the average joe on her sexual orientation.  What I couldn’t understand is that Destiny Church is openly against homosexuality and yet there they were having a grand old time talking my cousin.  As far as I am aware, if you give yourself wholeheartedly to the doctrine of a church (any church not just destiny) you would technically be bound by the highly principled beliefs that come with it, so how can they subscribe to the hatred of a persons choice and yet still talk to them without malice.  Call me stupid but if I didn’t like someone I certainly wouldn’t talk to them let alone invite them to my wedding.

Anyway, the meal was fantastic, the company was even better and I was well on my way to having an enjoyable evening when they commenced the speeches, 90 minutes and a lot of talk about ""¦the Lord above"¦" later I was bored, tired and mostly sober, as soon as the final speech was done they had some prayers and stuff and I just made my way to the bar and stayed there for at least 3 solid bourbons.  My cousin and I had a conversation that went a little something like "¦

Her :  You drunk yet

Me :  Almost, gimme a minute

Her :  You wanna slow up on that, it has ice, you might choke

Me :  Yes and I don’t want to die just yet as I have not asked for salvation

Her :  Not to mention the fact that you are talking to a perversion

Me :  Come and have a seat cuz, the two of us can go to the devils lair together

Her :  Hahahahaha

Me :  Look at us two, the sexual perversion and the unmarried abomination.

Her / Me :  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

At about 10.30pm that night I’d had enough, my uncles were cranking into the Karaoke and I just knew it was time to bug out.  I left and headed for my bosses apartment in town where I was stitched up majorly by BD and we headed off into the city for a night of frivolity.  By the time I hit Courtenay Place I was saying hello to everything that moved and trying to take a brick home (?!?) My sister, her bf, dave and I managed to stay upright for another 4 hours (Yeah!!  4 hours!!!) whereupon my fantastically sober boyfriend drove us all home for ham sandwiches, coffee, water and butt load of Panadol.

5 hours later I’m wide awake and wanting a major injection of Maccers for breakfast.

All in all it was a very good weekend, good drinking, good company, good music and good fun.

Finally, last night I watched Serenity.  I had wanted to for a while and my mum kept telling me "you're a sci-fi nerd, you'll enjoy it" but I just never got around to it.  For me, watching a movie these days constitutes sitting still, doing nothing, and having to think myself into the plot.  Now, whilst I don't normally have an issue with this, these past few weeks have been a little taxing and when I sit down to watch tv I like it to be as mindless as a plastic chopping board.

All the signs were pointing me in the direction of the tv last night ... I'm a regular reader of another blog and he mentioned how good a programme Serenity was (I admit I had seen bits of it when it was screening on Sky 1 but I never wanted to absorb into it so I changed it to a doco), then mum rang and said she had seen it advertised for screening on sky movies that night, me ?  I just wanted to go home and forget about my day, so I sunk onto my bed and mindlessly surfed.  At 8.30pm I woke up and generally when I watch a movie for the first 5 minutes I'm either hooked on it or not, I was.

Its kinda wierd how when I really just want to space out I tend to find the wierdest programmes to watch, I caught the better part of a movie called Blind Flight yesterday about an Irishman and an englishman held captive in Lebanon, a true story that kinda blew me away a little, and a couple weeks ago I actually watched House of Sand and Fog and F*ck me if it wasn't one of the best movies I have seen in years (I typically watch fluff movies or RSB flicks, more for entertainment value and distraction as opposed to feeling things) and then a couple nights ago I actually watched Million Dollar Baby, F*ck me again!  Now I've always been a fan of Hilary Swank (Boys don't cry) but mixed with Morgan Freeman and Clint Eastwood, what a team!.

Anyway, back to my point, I watched Serenity last night and although slow moving in parts it was a very good movie, now what I would like to know is, was the movie a pre-cursor to the series or was it the final chapter?

My weekend is shaping up to be something from a teenagers diary ...

I have my sister and her partner arriving from Auckland tonight and they are staying with us (YAY) and then tomorrow we have a wedding to attend (Destiny Church !!! hmmmm should be interesting) and then sunday its a birthday dinner for my brother before my sister goes home on monday.

Oh well, no time like the present to go and get myself lost in work type stuff.

Well after about 7 interviews with 3 more lined up for next week I still have no new job.  Not because I haven't been getting the offers but because the ones I have been accepted for are paying too low for me to consider the change.

One job that I really wanted (paying crazy money) went in-house to someones mother (congratulations) but if they are going internal why advertise in the first place.

I have one place in particular really chasing me but the money (although not great isn't too bad) plus they look like really cool people and it gets my foot in the door for customer services and then my limits are boundless ...

So why am I stalling ??

Because I wanna make more money dammit! hahahahaha.

Will go home and sleep on it, my head is about to explode I have so much shit going on at the moment its not funny !

I need sleep (big bad ugly is banging me stupid), I need ... many things right now but none that anyone on here can help with.

Well it didn't quite go as we Holden fans would have liked but after that emotional build up and that lap of honour and the very obvious sorrow from Lowndes I can quite easily say that if it was gonna go Ford's way on the Mountain, It couldn't have gone to a better bloke.

Aside from the major disappointment of him doing the unthinkable switch earlier in his career, he is a very good driver and he does have a reputation for being a gentleman (I don't believe I'm giving kudos to a FORD driver!!!).  Congratulations Lowndes (NOW SWITCH BACK!).

Very disappointing show from Holden this year but could it have been attributed to the intense desire to pull one out for Brocky?  To lose Skaife so quick and then by the 26th lap having both HRTs out left all of us at my brothers shaking our heads, we pinned our hopes on Murph but only half heartedly.  We did the same for Radisich as even though he was ex-shell helix Ford he was in a holden, that was until the barrier claimed him and Shit if that didn't look like it would have hurt too. 

Anyway, you know things are bad when the highest placed kiwi at Bathurst is Craig Baird.  Good racing, exciting to watch, it was a pity young Rick couldn't whip it out at the last minute but a finish at 2nd place is better than none.

I actually managed to stay awake for most of the racing too, I only slept for about 20 minutes but thats because my niece fell asleep in my lap and its like yawning - its very contagious.

As a side note ...  Iva Davies is looking pretty old these days, but he was there, he was feeling it and he still sounds sexy.

Update on the job hunting front at some stage today ...

Well here she comes ... its October which means 5 things to me ... 

1.   Dave's 1st anniversary, the tribute is in Monday's paper and it wasn't as hard to write as I thought it would be ...

2.   LONG WEEKEND!

3.   Daylight Savings ... still trying to adjust to that

4.   Stock Car season opens

5.   BATHURST BABY BATHURST!!!

The only sunday that I will willingly sit in front of a TV and watch cars go round and round in circles (well ok technically not a circle but they do finish where they start). 

Things to be watching out for this year ?

1.   Kangaroos

2.   Ford drivers who should know better

3.   Evil pit marshalls

All going well, it will be a passionate winners speech from Murph as he holds the brock trophy aloft and salutes the man that was Peter Brock.  Even though Murph isn't that confident going into Sundays race its pretty obvious he'll be giving it stink to make his presence felt.

I even read that Mr Seclusion himself - Iva Davies of Icehouse fame will be there to do a song with a brock montage before the start of the race.   An emotional lead up might be just that little bit extra they all need to pull it out.

Anyway, gym on sunday morning before the race to counteract the non-movement from the couch, except for the (hopefully) excited leaps from said couch for exciting racing.

... or is it a common thing ...

What I'm about to describe is not your average typical thing I have normally blogged about, and I mean, lets be serious, I blog about anything and everything because of the beauty of anonymity.

For the last 6 years I have been working at this job, not the problem.

For the last 6 years I have been working with the same people within the industry, quite an incestuous bunch we are.  Not really the problem.

The problem however lies with one of the guys I have known since I started here.  He doesnt work for us but used to work for our biggest competition, he then branched out, bought his own business in the industry and has now become one of our competitors.

Nice guy,   Not really the problem.

Here IS the problem.  Now I'm not sure if its a common thing for people or for women to do this but I have had a couple of dreams about this guy.   The first one I had was a while ago now and although it left quite an impact, I got over it and moved on.  This time around its really doing my head in.

He's a really nice guy, my age (in fact he's only 2 weeks older than me) his father was my Tech Drawing teacher and a decent fella he was too.  We get on really well, he's very easy on the eye and quite a flirty guy.  I don't go for flirts as it doesnt do a thing for me but he just has this way of ingratiating himself upon you and you can't help but feel drawn to him.

Anyway, I had this dream about him the other night and as with most really good dreams I didnt get to the good part as my psyche made me wake up, I felt ripped off and when Dave tried to cuddle up I pushed him away (which is common if I'm hot).  That happened on Monday morning, it is now Thursday and as always with the end of the month he always calls in when he does a job across from us.  We were having a good chat as per always but in the back of my mind all I could think about was this dream.  My emotions are all over the place and I keep drifting off thinking about him, the dream and what happened after I woke up.  I've reached the point where I day dream as often as I can and I can feel my insides churning because I'm in such a mess.  He and I have always had a very good professional relationship, as I said earlier he is a nice guy, motivated, independant and very successful (all rolled into the 32 year old bundle).  Now I know there is no reciprocation and I am not persuing anything simply because it was just a dream and its all in my head not his, not to mention the blatantly obvious of course, like ... I am in a relationship ... he is married with 2 kids ...  professionalism comes into play (but not as much as it should because its not an ethic I would consider enough to stop me).  But I know for a fact that he has had an affair before (yet again another industry favourite) and to me that makes him more available ... yes I know, stereotyping someone is bad but I don't care .... its my dream not yours! get off my cloud!.

Anyway, I know this will fade, just like it did the last time, but last time, I didn't think about it as much, I forced it out of my head and concentrated on other things, but now, 3 days since the last one, my tits are completely twisted over the whole thing and it makes it that little bit worse that I just spent 2 hours chatting with him.

He is very good to talk to, actually before I decided to leave here I spoke with him for about 4 hours when he called in when the boss was away, he was very sympathetic but I never told him I was leaving.

Shit, sidetracking ... again.

My point is, I know I will get past this (even though I don't really want to) but am I the only one that has episodes like this or is it quite a common thing.  Sometimes a girl just wants to feel flattered (or flattened depending on what ending I give to my dream) and it would be the perfect end to the dream for it to come true (yeah yeah I know but dreams are apparently free).  Yes I'm with Dave, yes he's married but still ... is it wrong to want it ?

I don't love him or want him to leave his wife or anything like that, but I really wouldn't mind stepping off the moral high ground for once and just getting primal with someone I like and quite frankly, does it for me sexually.  Maybe I just want to do something impulsive and naughty to feel alive again like I used to, bring on the wall slamming and the angry eager new sex, the discovery of a new persons anatomy, the sweat, the heaving bodies, the excitement and all that other good stuff about one night stands, Dave and I are like an old couple and thats been suicide for my sex drive, I want excitement and spontanaiety and .... yeah, someone other than what I've got just for a bit of spice ...

Shit, I don't know anymore, sorry If I have thrown most of you off, but this is pretty much who I am ... a dirty with intellect and nowhere to use it.

Seriously I can't be the only one ... can I ?

Things are going really slowly.

Have yet to find a job, getting a bit desperate now, really need to move on before november, this place is starting to get me down again.

Motivation is starting to slip a little too.  I'm still ringing it out at the gym about 5 times a week though and Dave can see some changes already, he told me the other day that my legs are starting to define up which is a good thing, and the inches are starting to come off my waistline which is even better, but shit its hard work.  Not the gym itself because once I'm there I'm ok, its the split second decisions I'm able to make to either turn left off the motorway to head into Porirua to go to the gym or carry on driving for a k or so to turn off for home.

I've done it only once and I've got all the tricks sorted now, in the afternoons I spend 2 hours psyching myself up for it, reminding myself how I feel fantastic when I stagger out of the gym after a good session, then I convince myself that its not a Denny's patty melt that I'm craving or a nice ice cold glass of Coke, but a big bottle of water and a smoked chicken salad that I still have to buy and subsequently make.

Dave's helping me more than I thought he would by helping to motivate me when he can, fitness is a natural thing for him so he has no real idea on how to keep my spirits up, not that he should have to but its kinda hard when you're sitting down to a crusty salad with the smells of hot fish n chips wafting over to you at the table from the lounge.

My body was aching so bad on Tuesday night that instead of going to the Gym I went to the Pool, Dave actually suggested it as he said that I was having trouble getting off the couch to change the channel on the tv (new rule in my house, no remotes for the tvs, do it manually because every time you get up from a sitting position it burns 12 kilojoules which is like 1 and a bit calories I think).  So anyway off to the pool we went under the pretence of a hot spa, and then I did some aquajogging laps instead, 50 of them in fact, I was so proud of myself.  I was able to sit in the spa for about 10 minutes before the heat started doing my head in but it was a good way to spend an evening.  The next morning I swore black and blue my arms were half out of my sockets, breast stroke is really good for pectoral, traps, tricep and bicep training but its pure hell on the morning constitution, I call it the vortex burn (for anyone who has thrown a vortex for a prolonged period of time will know what I mean about the morning constitution the next morning, if you don't. leave me a comment and I will explain).

Anyway, today I go to the gym after work, already I'm having to psych myself up for it as I am tired and my hair is looking good, far too good for it to be ruined with rivulets of sweat pissing through it at 5pm this evening, but I know I'll go, and right up until I'm halfway through my second circuit run I'll be thinking of it as a chore, but after that its only 30 minutes on the treadmill (275 calories) and 15 minutes on the vertical bike (175 calories), I enjoy those as me and my MP3 player blast out good angry metal which works wonders for motivation, nothing like a little guitar and drum infused hatred (directed internally not externally) to get the motor churning.

Well, time to check the job sites to see if any new jobs have become available, will endeavour to update at least once in the next week.

Take care all ...

Well, I've had my first invite to apply for a job today.  Its for a small company (not as small as my current one of course) and they require all of my skills plus they are looking for someone who can learn fast.  Me.

We'll see how it goes though, I'm aiming for somewhere a little bigger and faster moving than where I am and where they are although it comes with a car park and its not in the city itself which is a bonus.  If anything it will give me some valuable interview experience and if I'm offered the role I'll think about the ins and outs of being in a another small company then, but not now.

If the role is offered to me and I do take it I can hone my current skills as well as learn some more which could stand me in good stead for what I want to do next year (migrate north to Auckland) but in saying that, if I hold back and wait for something bigger, maybe in the government sector I could gain newer skills and look at a transfer instead of job hunting.

I've finally been able to convince Dave to consider the idea of moving to Auckland so I don't really want to blow my chances now by picking a career move that could provide limitations.  Money isn't everything but it certainly helps with the cost of life. 

On a darker note, the depression is there still, she's not quite through hunting for me but I have stopped running.

On a brighter and more painful note ...  I have discovered the joys of overdoing it at the gym.  Hardcore on the treadmill for 30 minutes was fantastic, I could literally fill a bucket with the amount of sweat that poured out of me on Wednesday and then after twice around the circuit I was feeling a little light headed so I headed home, I was confronted with a flooded out bathroom as one of the pipes beneath the basin had burst,  I spent a very painful 15 minutes plugging a pipe and running every cold water tap I could find to release the water pressure (which worked wonders) but I was so knackered from the gym that my back almost seized and the OOS in my right hand caused me all manner of strife for the next 2 days.  Anyway, the plumber saved me further injury and he and the landlord were both pleased at the amount of damage my actions had saved.  I went to the Gym on Saturday morning and everything was aching so my workout was pretty quiet.  I went home and we mowed the lawns and did the weeding (ps my weeding style isn't exactly the best) so when it came time to go back inside I had a substantial amount of trouble shaking off my gumboots and my hamstrings are still aching now.

We had the in-laws around for a bbq dinner on saturday night and for the first time in 5 years I've actually been able to beat Dave's dad in trivial pursuit, it was tough but it was a win I will no doubt remember for a very long time.

Sunday was spent trying to capture more sunrays than wind and the last little bit of weeding was done.

All in all it was a good busy weekend, I have the gym tonight so I'm a little apprehensive as my body is still in mourning for itself, but I have faith in my legs, they've bourne me out for this long, whats a little more pain ...

I've been trying to figure out what I'd write about the loss of one of the most influential sportsmen in many of our lives.

I have run out of adjectives to describe the calibre of man he was both on and off the track.

Legend, Hero, Icon, Idol, Racing God ...  All of these have been used to promote the man and his ideals.  He had substance, he had charisma and he loved what he did.  That was evident as at the time of his death he was 61 years old and still going strong.

I watched him race the Mobil 500 on the Wellington waterfront twice in the mid to late 80s, I shook his hand in the pits as an eager 12 year old wanting so bad to be able to drive so I could race too.  I grew up in a Ford household but whether it was due to rebellion or sheer taste, I became a Holden fanatic.

He epitomised grace under fire and sheer determination, he was a fantastic role model not only for our boys Radisich and Murphy but for the general public.

His presence, his humanity and his piercing eyes and laughing smile will be greatly greatly missed.

Australia and NZ mourn the loss of one of the greatest racing hero's of our time.

2 inspirational men in one week ...  I have nothing more to say that hasn't been said already.

RIP Brocky, you will be missed.

There is a shadow lurking in every darkened corner of what ever room, vehicle or open-space I occupy.

The unfortunate thing about having a shadow is their persistence to follow your every movement, to not skip a beat and to not even leave you alone for a second.

I am hounded constantly by her wanting my attention... every ... single ... waking ... moment of my day.

The really scary part is that I am functioning well at work, nothing is slipping, I even completed my Gym membership yesterday and booked in for my first classes tomorrow night.  My heart and soul want this change in my physical life as well as my working life more than anything I've wanted in over 6 years, but she just ... keeps ... pulling ... and ... fighting ... and ... pushing ...

I am so tired and drained and exhausted right now that my main concern is whether or not I can stand up without losing consciousness.  Scary yes.  I am so past the point of tears that I think I might be losing my grip on what little piece of reality I have left.

Every where I look I see her, not menacing or evil, just tapping her perfectly manicured nails on her cheek as she rests her chin in her hands, casually glancing at her watch.

I crave darkness, the deep blackness of pure night, no light, no moon, no sounds, no walls ...  in that kind of pitch blackness, I can see no shadows