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Lindsay Lohan hearts liquor

I’m at a loss for words to deliver this news, but, it appears Lindsay Lohan was water fountain this weekend. Gasp! How can this be? She’s been to rehab three times. Could it be she in reality stayed at a resort with no quantifiable rehabilitative practices? Nah, that’s just crazy talk. E! Online reports:

However, don’t think Linds has gone all suburban soccer mom on us"yet. gospel to some Utah locals, Lindsay was spotted at a Park City club Friday night. And despite her two-month stint in rehab, our barwitness thought Linds looked less than refreshed.

In the future, when scientists unearth Lindsay’s corpse, they’ll discover she runs on pure alcohol. She can survive without oxygen, water, and food. As long as she’s filled to the brim with Mojito’s, Lindsay will keep running. Yes, it will be a fascinating time until Dr. Johnson spills his whiskey tonic into her open chest cavity and " Holy Christ! She’s alive! Hide our precious moon beer! Ah, my eyes, she burnt it with her crotch! Johnson, you booze-hound, look what you’ve done! Oh, the humanity.