Brooke Hogan causes bewilderment in my pants

Brooke Hogan hosted a charity boxing event over the weekend that will be appear on an episode of her new reality show Brooke Knows Best. I always like to see others succeed*, so here's a few tips that Brooke should know best about:

1. Don't ever, EVER stare directly into the camera again. I'm now deaf from the ear-shattering scream of my penis.

2. You're not Kim Kardashian. If I wanted to see a dude's butt, I'd watch debate - with a room full of male strippers. I don't half-ass anything. Ha! Get it? Ba doom sha! But, seriously, no one needs to see that thing.

3. Be cognizant of what words you're existing under. Particularly the letters "T, R, A, N, S."

4. Lead with the boobs. Your mother had them installed as some sort of cruel affront to God and nature so you might as well flaunt those round, blasphemous fun-bags like it's your job. (Hint: It is.)

Best of luck to you! I lock to never watch your show,

The Superficial Writer

*Criss Angel, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and the entire cast of The Hills excluded. And, oh yeah, Dustin Diamond.

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