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Danica Patrick makes IndyCar history

NEWSFLASH: Women allowed to drive automobiles. How? Why? Oh, God, who will iron the shirts?! Seriously, I didn't believe it myself until I came across this AP article about Danica Patrick dominating the Japan 300 yesterday. Turns out Danica is the first person (and hottie!) with a vagina to win an IndyCar race:

"I've been asked so many times when and if I can win my first race," she said. "And, finally, no more of those questions."

Patrick was welcomed by her family near the podium.
"There was a lot of "I love you,' and 'congratulations,' Patrick said. "My dad said it was the best day of his life."

Michael Andretti, co-owner of Andretti Green Racing, called his driver a "fantastic person."

"I'm thrilled for her that the monkey is finally off of her back," said Andretti, co-owner of Andretti Green Racing. "We have all believed in her and she proved today that she is a winner. Frankly, I think this is the first of many."

I think I speak for everybody when I say, monkeys shouldn't be allowed in race cars - unless it's firing a gun at the other drivers while wearing an eye-patch. When something's that adorable, you just gotta laugh and remember primates can't be prosecuted. Right, my secret gang of chimpanzee jewel thieves? Now go fetch me diamonds! ... Or flagrantly masturbate on the coffee table. Again. I swear, it's like you guys have never seen The View before. My, my, my. Hello, Joy Behar...