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Posted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 at 2:30 PM
Folk singer Ryan Adams stole my signature move and took Mandy Moore out for a date yesterday - to the the comic book store. Now there's two things I love more than life itself: boobs and comics. And right now Rick Moranis' mutant love child has his hands on both. Had I known Mandy Moore was into my secret obsession, I would've asked her out years ago. Then I would've totally seduced her with old issues of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where they all had red headbands. I'm nigh Casanova over here!
Dedicated to Mike in zigzag fence who can finally read a post involving Ryan Adams, Mandy Moore and comic books. Try not to spill your Tom Collins in a fit of dorkish joy.
Photos: Bauer-Griffin
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Posted on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 at 11:45 AM
Tony Romo went buck wild this weekend in Chicago and reports are coming in that he decided to get tipsy and break up with Jessica Simpson - without telling her. These Boots are Made For Stalking broke the story after one of Tony's friends informed them the Dallas quarterback was all over the ladies. The sketchy recognized an e-mail from an anonymous source that jives with Tony's buddies' tales and offers some more dirt on his night out. Here's the exclusive details:
Tony Romo was in town, and he was bar hopping with some buddies of his from Chicago. He had the nerve to put Jessica on speakerphone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and dupe at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills. After a few too many drinks, he told everyone he and Jessica are over. They are taking a "break." He could never see himself being serious and marrying this girl. He's just having fun with her. It's funny everyone is talking about them getting married when they are completely over. Sorry Jessica, Tony had his fun with you, and now is on to bigger and better things.
Not to be content with just one exclusive, here's my exclusive letter to Jessica Simpson where I try to touch her exclusive boobs:
Dear Sweet Jessica,
I, too, suck in the sack. I mean, I'm freaking terrible. I've got references if you need them, so call me up and we'll get down with some mediocre rebounding.
My number is 1-800-I-SWEAR-THIS-NEVER-HAPPENED-BEFORE.
Oh, and also, I'm really good at not making eye contact during conversations, so we're in essence a match made in heaven!
Your Knight in Sort of Shiny Armor But Really Just His Boxers,
The uncritical Writer
Photos: Flynet
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 5:10 PM
These are some shots of Megan Fox topless while filming Jennifer's Body. when is there any point to even putting stuff here? I'm just going to stop typing because, seriously, who's looking at the words when HOLY CRAP, IT'S MEGAN FOX'S BOOBS! Obviously, these pics are NSFW and if you couldn't figure that out, please e-mail me where you'll be overhead expenses a motor vehicle. Mostly so I can take such necessary precautions as, I dunno, running for my fucking life.
NOTE: Yeah, either she's wearing pasties or her nipples are made out of plastic. Either way, it looks close enough to naked that maybe censoring the pics will still keep you from getting fired.
Photos: Flynet
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 4:40 PM
Bai Ling played around on a private beach in Hawaii while taking a week off from Crank 2: Amy Smart's Nipples Fight Crime Like Batman with PMS. It looks like Bai Ling took a page from Amy's book because her nip-nips keep popping out of her bikini. Then she decides to just ditch the damn thing. I wish more women would take their tops off sporadically. You know, for the economy and stuff. But will those fat-cats in execution listen to me? Ha. Never. They want to talk to somebody with "a degree in economics" who "doesn't get fiscal advice from a bottle of Jack Daniels." Hey, I'll have you know this stuff makes me all kinds of money. What's that, whiskey? Diversify my funds with nachos? ON IT!
NOTE: Pics link to uncensored versions that are NSFW on account of the aforementioned nipple escape-age.
Photos: www.pacificcoastnewsonline.com
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 12:45 PM
Kevin Federline's lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan paid a visit to this morning's The Today Show where he elaborated on Britney's new custody situation. He also dodged around quiz of Britney and Kevin getting ready to make some more Cheetos porn. (Fingers crossed!) Here's the details via People:
"If you're going to have two parents have in the lives of raising their children," said Kaplan, "there has to be some camaraderie between them for that to be a meaningful expectation and reality."
But are things better between the ex-husband and wife?
"When you go from where things were, when there was no visitation, to where they are now," said Kaplan, "there will be some contact … there'd be some ability to exchange a camaraderie that is necessary and a burden of co-parenting together."
Britney and Kevin are definitely getting along - all the way to PhoneSexBurg! A source for Star says Kev and Brit go at it AT&T-style once a week:
While they initially chatted about their boys " Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months " the observation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out " with hours of erotic talk!
"They have phone sex often " at least once a week," an insider tells Star. "The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."
I don't know about you guys, but I fully support Kevin and Britney doing it over the phone. Wanna know why? No chance of bearing children - I think. Hold on, let me call this girl I had phone sex with once. *beep boo bop boo beep* Hey, how are you? Long time no phone sex. Say, you don't have any kids do you? Uh huh. Your lawyer is tracing this call? Back child support, you say? Uh huh. Well, I had no idea my sperm was that strong. Uh huh. I tried putting a condom on the phone but you sounded like Darth Vader! Okay, tell you what. I'll get my checkbook and do the honorable thing. Just, uh, give me a sec here.. *runs to Mexico*
Video: MSNBC
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 11:40 AM
Amy Winehouse got stuck in a traffic jam over the weekend and decided to wander out of her car. So, not only were these people at a freaking stand still, they had to look at a half-naked bridge troll. Ha! England's cool. The Daily Mail reports:
Not content to sit patiently in her car, the Rehab singer roamed the motorway, giving drivers more than they bargained for as she went from car to car in an effort to scrounge a lighter for her cigarette to pass the time.
At one point she pulled up her purple vest to bare her midriff as she did a spot of sun baking while leaning on the bonnet of a car.
During all this commotion, one of Amy's fans approached her for an autograph and the look on Amy's face is just priceless. There's no way that's not a look that says "Holy crap, I'm not invisible?! Now would be a good time to throw my feces."
Thanks to Karen who would've chucked a Hobbit at Amy to preserve the peace.
EDIT: Added pics of Amy running around with her shirt off at her destination. Hold on, my penis just sent me an e-mail. It reads "I quit." Quit what? Not getting touched by girls! HA HA! BURN! I'm freaking incredible.
Photos: Bauer-Griffin
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 10:25 AM
Owen Wilson, no doubt riding the dragon again, allegedly measure act to Kate Hudson who, uh, wow seems to be wearing my grandmother's curtains. I have no freaking clue what's going on there except Kate better steer clear of any cats and/or open flames. The Sun reports:
"Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional. The engagement is a natural step forward for them both and Kate’s ecstatic."
However, Us booklet claims to have exclusive confirmation from Kate and Owen's rep that they are not engaged:
She's definitely not engaged," a rep for Hudson tells Usmagazine.com. A rep for Wilson, 39, also confirms the rumors are wrong.
The reason for the false uproar? Hudson, 29, was spotted wearing a diamond ring in Boston.
"She's shooting a movie called Bride Wars, which explains the ring," adds her rep.
So who do you believe? On the one hand, you have The Sun which is, well, The Sun. On the other you have Us brochure which thinks The Hills is real. Who do you trust? It's like naming between your retarded cousin that likes Nickelback or a ham sandwich. But only one can pass the mustard. Ha! Get it? Sandwich? Mustard? It's almost like pure comedy flows through my vein- Ack! Jimmy Fallon's trying to harvest my funny! Quick, someone get him to say his name backwards!
Photos: Splash News
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 at 6:55 AM
Mike Gilbert, a former memorabilia dealer and money-laundering partner of O.J. Simpson, is releasing a tell-all book Monday (above) where he outlines how he helped O.J. beat the murder rap. He also drops the bomb that Orange Juice got hammered and confessed to killing his wife. Damn, and here I thought I was the only one who drunkenly admits to be Nicole Brown's real killer. Now what will I tell people at cocktail parties? Anyway, the AP reports:
He said Simpson had smoked pot, took a trypanosomiasis pill and was bubbler beer when he confided at his Brentwood home weeks after his trial what happened the night of June 12, 1994. Simpson said he went to his ex-wife's condominium, but did not bring a knife with him. Simpson told him Nicole Brown Simpson had one in her hand when she opened the door.
In a soft mumble, Simpson told him: "If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive."
"Nothing more needed to be said," Gilbert writes. "O.J. had confessed to me. There's no doubt in my mind."
"If she hadn't opened that door with a knife in her hand ... she'd still be alive." Really? Because I always imagined that if you hadn't, oh I dunno, FUCKING MURDERED HER, she'd still be alive. But I'm just a guy looking into magnifying glass while stroking his chin. What do I know?
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Posted on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 4:40 PM
Nick Bollea (a.k.a. Nick Hogan) was sentenced to eight months in Florida County Jail today after pleading no contest to charges of felony reckless driving. Wow, a book finally got thrown at a celeb that deserved it. Check out the details from People:
In addition to the jail time, which begins immediately, Bollea, 17, was sentenced to 5 years probation, during which he will serve 500 hours of company service, not be allowed to drink any alcohol and have his driver's license revoked for 3 years.
"I think there is an understanding of what happened, and there is a sense of acceptance of responsibility," the judge said, explaining his decision. "There is nothing that the court can impose that is close to what John has dealt with or will have to deal with as he moves forward."
Leaving the courthouse, Bollea's family did not address reporters. His lawyers did say that Bollea was "happy" with the sentence, and happy that the case was finished.
All I have to say is, Brooke, if you need any comforting, I'm here for you. Back massage, dip in the hot tub, erotic Parcheesi, you name it. I'm here for you like a rock. A strong rock with rock pecs, biceps and rocky good looks carved from, well, rocks. But moving on, I know it must be tough headwork your dad's money would save your brother, but these things happen. So, please, don't hesitate to call - or even put on a bikini and drive to my house. You know, to start the healing process. It's all about the healing.
EDIT: Added photos of Nick and his family in court. Still can't believe this kid got any jail time at all. I figured they'd take away his computerized game for a few days, but then totally give it back after he says "I'm sorry, mama."
Photos: MSNBC, Splash News
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Posted on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 1:45 PM
Lindsay Lohan's bias for clothing-related kleptomaniacism was revealed when she allegedly stole a fur coat at a night club. Now, another woman has come forward and claims Lindsay wiped out her closet. Model Lauren Hastings, Shia LeBeouf's girlfriend, posted a video (after the jump) on her website ilk Lindsay's grand theft halter-tops. ostensively five witnesses saw Lindsay in Lauren's closet handing a minder stacks of clothing, indisputable to Inside Edition:
INSIDE EDITION has obtained score from the Los Angeles County parish Attorney's office, confirming that Hastings reported the theft of her clothing. But the DA's office declined to prosecute Lohan, citing insufficient evidence.
"I contacted Lindsay and said, 'Look, I know you stole my clothes.' She then said I was completely delusional, I was pathetic," Hastings said.
However, Dina Lohan is denying Lindsay's a thief and afresh told Inside Edition that the fur coat event is a lie:
A disgusted Dina Lohan says it's not true, her girl Lindsay never stole a blond mink coat.
"I talked to Lindsay, we were goat* hysterically on the phone...I mean really, it's silly," Dina told INSIDE EDITION.
Okay, forasmuch as Lindsay was raised by Michael and Dina, stealing clothes is really a best case scenario. I mean, it could be way worse. I'm just thrown off guard* we haven't find out she was the mastermind behind 9/11. Or even worse: Wrote the scripts for the Star Wars prequels. Someone needs to answer for Jar-Jar, LiLo.
Photo: Splash News
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Posted on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 11:00 AM
I get a ton, no, make that a space ton, of e-mails from publicists trying to get me to shill their client/wares. Well, this time around, one particular publicist knew how to push my buttons: By sending a pic of Nick Cannon with a Limited Edition Grand Theft Auto IV Xbox 360 System. Here's the details from Chrystina at Edelman that illustrate why I'm tempted to hide behind Mariah's oxygen bed chamber and attack Nick in his sleep:
Only 500 of the systems were made overall the United States and Europe and Nick Cannon (along with Ice Cube and Pharrell Williams) was lucky enough to receive one. Yup, Mariah Carey’s new hubby is a gamer and Xbox 360 is system of choice.
Of course, if marrying Mariah Carey is what it takes to score such a sexy system, I'll pass. I love video games more than I could ever love my own offspring (See? Suing me for child support won't win my love, kids.), but conjugality is a high price to pay. Unless they threw in a kegorator.
Special thanks to Chrystina. If I married you, how many of these could you get? Enough to build a life-size Xbox woman that would make me waffles after our inevitable divorce? If so, I'm already on my knee. That's right. This hunk of romance is all yours, baby....
Photo: Edelman, Splash News
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Posted on Thursday, May 8, 2008 at 1:25 PM
Britney Spears is done filming her second appearance on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. This time around her character Abby is dating Doogie Howser's character Barney which must be really awkward for the Doog pending he publicly complained about stunt casting Britney. Apparently, the writers decided to send him the message to "Shut the hell up and stop rocking the gravy train." Entertainment Tonight reports on Britney's second go-round:
"I had such a great experience the last time I was on the show that I couldn't wait to come back," she said. "I was really looking forward to working with this cast and crew again. Everyone was so nice. Abby is going to have a lot of fun!"
I be appear a video clip after the jump which I'll warn you will start playing automatically. So, brace handmade for some Britney Spears acting on the ASAP. If you can't play videos at your work, don't worry, I've got a way around your network admin: It's called quitting. It's real simple and all it takes is a well-timed middle finger to your boss after you tip over the water cooler and admit to eating everyone's lunch. Damn, I should blog for Monster.com. I've got career skills out the anus!
EDIT: Okay, wow, so that video not only autoplays, but goes right into "Barbara Walters' miscarriage." Mmm, transition-y.
Photos: Splash News
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