As some of you would know I had a person in my life toward the beginning of this year that I really truly cared for and loved.

My beautiful disaster of a man, and what a disaster he is and causes.

I've wanted for quite some time for him to be part of my life again, not necessarily my boyfriend or anything. Just a friend.

I tried everything to get him to be my friend again and all I got was abuse and leave me alone and so eventually I started to give up. When I finally had come to the conclusion that there was no way either of us would ever really be able to put the past behind us and that we were both better off the way we were now anyway he finally decides he wants me to be a part of his life again. I got an email from him saying " lets put this behind us        mates? " I replied sure why not but now I'm a bit like what the? and really confused about what to think or feel. Dan is being extremely supportive of me. I feel really bad about it because he really likes me and he knows that this could quite possibly break me. Not only does he like me he cares about me and would go to the end of the earth for me if he had to- hes a genuine great guy but hes not morgan and I guess I love dan in a way just not the same way as I love morgan (damn it do I still love him after everything thats happened after all these months?)

I'm so confused right now as you can probably tell.

Dan is perfect, he's safe, he's kind, caring, sweet, fun.

Morgan's dangerous, anoying, frustrating, fun, sweet at times, a dumb arse(not his fault- drugs), forgetful, beautiful, a mess.

Dan would look after me make sure that I'm ok always, make sure that I was safe and didnt do stupid things, make sure that my life was a good, safe, no trouble one.

Morgan would turn everything upside down, create a mess, destroy everything I've worked on this year, lie, and make sure my life was a complete and utter fully packed disaster- not intentionally of course.

now all i have to do is choose  

I honestly feel as though I'm re-living two years ago just with different people in my life.

Some people would say well isn't that a good thing that you get to do it all over again and this time not make the mistakes

you did then.

The truth is I don't want to relive it, I don't want to go back there or through what I went through before because it was hell and

i haven't seen the better side of life for long enough.

I don't know what to say. I'm completely lost right now and I guess it is really bringing me down.

I'll write again tomorrow once i've sorted a few more things out and are hopefully in a better mood

There is something about this guy that I just can't get over ( not sure if that's the right thing to say). He's dangerous, he's mischeivous and god damn is he gorgeous.

I always fall for guys who can get me into some sort of trouble and even though this guy could get me into big trouble

he's different from the rest. The second we met we hit it off and well get along like a house on fire. We even have those

personal jokes that no one else truly understands except us and we only met a few weeks ago.

In other news I live done the road from a prison, yes I know probably not the safest place for a young single woman to live by herself (why the hell can I smell weed- and why the hell is the smell of weed coming from me?) but hey I'm tough and some say fearless. A prison/murderer escaped yesterday and well they still haven't found him. So last night I got a little scared mainly because there was a bang on my roof which well I investigated and ended up only being a cat but still it scared me.

I told Blake that I was a little scared which I thought he would just laugh at but he didn't actually he ended up coming around (while still working as a delivery boy) to my house to make sure I was ok. He was wired, someone at work had given him lsd to keep him awake while he was working. It was funny to watch him because well I had had a few vodkas to calm my nerves and well he was as hyperactive as a A.D.H.D kid who has sold their ritalin to the kids at his school.

This is how the story goes:

I hear a car pull up outside and automatically think holy shit its him, then wait to hear the gate open and close (it does). Then there is a knock at the door my heart starts to beat so fast I think I'm about to die. I open the door and there he stands with his shirt half undone and the sleaves rolled up to show his tanned muscles, his shoulder length black hair tied back and automatically I melt. He walks in and says I'm still at work just told my boss that something important had come up and I had to drop something off to someone, then asks how I am and how my days been and then goes on to talk about how he managed to blow up his sub and amp in his car and that he's found a place to live but they need one more flat mate and said that if I hadn't gotten a year long lease of my place he wouldve liked me to have moved in. We joked about some stuff, discussed a plan we have and then he got a message from his boss telling him to get back to work.

This guy makes me feel like I'm high without actually doing anything and we just get along so well. I keep on thinking I'm going to wake up and he is just a dream or a figment of my imagination because he actually makes me happy just being around me and not yay i'm not alone but high as a kite lifts me off the ground and makes the world spin a hundred times faster then it usualy does.

He is my official new drug, and I'm falling under his chemical spell. And he doesn't know... but I'm thinking he will find out soonish.

I told my ex where he could shove his petty abusive emails and trying to cause shit between me and well my friends.

Also with that I took a leap of faith and hope in life, I completely blocked him out of my life there is no way that he can contact me even if he tried extremely hard, this

was hard for me to do considering I still had feelings for him. But it had to be done, it was obvious to me that his weed and his alcohol meant more to him then I did.

For starters he chose them over me.

And for quite some time I lost faith in the world, I thought that I'd never be happy again I'd never feel as though life was good again. But I was wrong.

Because life is better then it has ever been.

I have a job interview this evening and I've met a guy who well is just a friend for now but he's different from every other guy I know.

Actually he's probably the best guy I've met. I invited round to my place for drinks after he finished work last night we ended up talking until 3am this morning

we had a few drinks and well everything just went really smoothly. I don't feel pressured around him or like I have to try and be someone that I'm not I can just be

myself and thats good enough. Its like he doesnt expect anything of me and that what happens happens theres no urgency or forcedness to anything.

I've decided to take a year off uni or maybe longer and work earn some money and well live a little which I'm hoping will work out the way I want it to.

I've really changed quite a bit this year and well this guy is 3 years older then me but despite that I actually enjoyed last night more then any night that I've spent

with my own friends who are either younger then me or the same age as me but immature, it was good to be able to talk to someone who knew what you were on about

instead of having to explain everything in extreme detail.

well see what happens from here this is a new road and its heading a completely different direction from the one i've been on  

friend: you don't seem that great today.

me: leave me alone I'm fucking fine.

friend: wots up

me: nufin that neone would understand

friend: i would

me: so you'd understand what it feels like to have the one person in the world that you truly love

not want to talk to you ever again, not want to see you ever again and well hate you with everything they are.

part of Frank Sinatra's - You'll never know

Youll never know just how much I miss you
Youll never know just how much I care
And if I tried, I still couldnt hide my love for you
You ought to know, for havent I told you so
A million or more times?

You went away and my heart went with you
I speak your name in my evry prayer
If there is some other way to prove that I love you
I swear I dont know how
Youll never know if you dont know now

_ The reason why I've put this is that it explains exactly how I'm feeling and well this is easier to understand then my own explanation._

People generally don't understand how easy it is for me to relate this song to the way I am feeling right now in this moment. For I miss the one I love and even though I know I will probably never see him again or speak to him again what gets to me most is the fact that he will never know how much I still love him and always will.

You're the reason behind

those stupid love songs.

The reason that I breath with a sigh,

while floating on the cloud you set me down on.

That was before I made a huge mistake,

now you are the hole that is in my heart,

the loneliness I feel in the middle of the night,

The rain drops that fall and hide my tears.

For you will never know how much

I love you,

You will never know the way that I feel.

sitting in the rain waiting for you to return

waiting for every tear to disappear.

You were my world,

universe,

light when it was dark.

But I never told you what you

meant to me.

And forever you won't know

how much I love you.

Despite the shit you put me through

I can forgive you because

my love

for you in unconditional.

Every night you I pray for you,

dream of you,

and wish you were right here lying

next to me.

But never again

because I listened to the logical

instead of my very own heart.

Forever I will love you,

even though you will never know.

How do I put this... as many people know I've been through the mill lately, with well my relationship falling to pieces, being told to leave my flat and also having the flu badly. But I've survived right? come out the other side bright and happy- well my not bright and happy but I have come out the other side.

I'm not sure how to put this but lately I've really felt extremely alone, like I have no one that I can turn to. This said I have my friends and I'm able to turn to them. But I still feel as though a part of me is missing a big important part of me. My parents and I aren't seeing eye to eye at the moment. I've really started making my own decisions for myself and they don't believe that I'm capable of doing that. They were also shocked when I made an informed and sensible decision which shows their lack of support for my judgement. Yes I have made some mistakes in the past but why can't they see that I'm not about to make those mistakes all over again. I guess my loneliness comes from feeling that I can't go to them when I need any help with anything also goes with the feeling of homelessness which could be explained by my current lack of a place to live and my discomfort at my parents recently.

I've also found myself missing Morgan, which is preventing me from begining any new relationships- such as with Greg (I don't believe that is a possibility anymore). I don't exactly understand why I miss him. He treated me like dirt towards the end and that's why I left him but before I moved away and he lost trust in me and didn't believe me anymore we had some really truly amazing times. Just spending time together even if it wasn't much when we were together it meant the world. Like the picnic by the river, there are somethings in life that you look back on and you realise how much you loved someone and how much they loved you at that specific point in time. I know that what caused Morgan to act the way he did was my behavior and my lies and distrust in him- which came from my own ability to lie to him so easily. I put him through hell I really did and I regret that greatly, but at the same time I have a psychologist who will tell you that I wasn't exactly sane at the time. I'm not saying that I don't hate the fact that he treated me the way he did but in saying that if I had been in his shoes I probably would have done the same thing. Dispite how much you love someone there is always a limit to how much shit you can handle, Morgan handled more then I thought anyone could. With my outbursts of I hate you, I'm leaving, your better off without me, goodbye - or I just wouldn't talk to him at all. Or even after I'd promised I wouldn't hurt myself again I would, that however I only did a few times then realised how stupid I was being. Everyone is saying that he's pretty screwed up now acting way out of character and stuff. I'm not blaming myself for this but I do however think that on top of his own stuff me being the way I was probably didn't help a lot.

I do still love him quite a bit and if I could take back some of the stuff I threw at him I would but that's where the problem time comes in you can't turn it back.  I guess I didn't appreciate the amount of effort he put into helping me when he tried. But like my psychologist said people can only help you if you let them and I was so determined that no one could help me that I couldn't even see how much he was trying to. If you do this eventually people give up on you. Parents, friends, boyfriends it all gets too much to handle, to much for them to suffer through. Morgan actually did me a big favor by treating me the way he did in those last few weeks because if he hadn't of and I hadn't left him I would not be getting the proffessional help I need, I would not be taking control of my life the way that I am. So in the end his efforts paid off just not exactly in the way that he intended I don't think.

I'm going to look at a new house tonight, it sounds really great and I'll probably spend today going to that area of the city finding my way around and that sort of thing.

One last thing- if I had the opportunity to tell Morgan one last thing it would be that I will forever appreciate what he did for me and forever remember the efforts he made to help me.

So everything blew up in my face, my relationship went bust I started becoming rather low about life. Then I had the one weekend that changed everything that made me realise that even though things weren't the way I was used to them being I would still live to see another week, month, year etc.

What happened was I started talking to this guy on the internet- which I don't usually do... I then decided ok I'll meet up with him. And so on a friday night me and my friends met with him and his friends in town, they all ended up back at my place for drinks which ended up lasting 3 days, this resulted in a flat mate of mine being extremely pissed off and complaining which is why I am now having to find a new place to live.  I know this is probably usually not a positive thing but I had gotten myself stuck in a rut that I wasn't moving from very quickly. So I made the decision to drop some uni papers get a job and move flats. I've done the first and the second and third are in the process of happening- slowly might I add. ummm the guy was actually really nice and all but for some reason things have gone a bit weird between us. Those of you that have read my past entries would know about morgan having A.D.D well this new guy Greg has A.D.H.D- again I always seem to attract the weird people, never mind maybe one day I'll find someone right for me.

how can i say goodbye?
when everyone is gone.

how can i say don't cry?
when no more tears exist.

how can i say don't miss me?
when I let you get prepared.

how can i say?
when the words are lost.

how can i say i'll miss you?
when you already know i do.

how can i say forgive me?
when you never really will.

how can i say I love you?
when you turn and walk away.

how can i say anything?
I cannot now, not today.

how can i say what if?
when i no longer believe.

how can i say forever?
when your forever is only a day.

how can i say forget?
when i want you to remember.

how can i say the truth?
when all you say to me is lies.

how can i say I'm leaving?
when no one really cares.

how can i say It's over?
When there is no one here.

how can i say don't laugh?
when that's all i want you to do.

how can i say anything?
I cannot now.

not ever, I'm through.

Every so often we come across something that someone in this great wide world has been able to express and it comes across to us as a simple truth. Whether it is said after deep contemplation and thought or whether it is the ramblings of drunk it doesn't matter. And we understand what the author of such a simple truth is meaning in full capacity. Its unfortunate that it is never those that need to express the simple truth of the way they are feeling in such an easy simplistic manner. To be able to get another to understand the way you feel in the true form that you are feeling it is something I need to learn. I want to learn. Because the truth is hardly anyone ever knows the full story about the way I feel, think or even just am. I got asked if I was either emo or goth by a friends sister... my response took awhile because the truth is that I do not know what I am other then a human being. Do we choose who we are? or do we develope? because I change so much to forget to move on that I have lost who I originally was and haven't forgotten any of the things I wanted to.

I'm running out of hope. I wish there was something to fill the void that has become a part of my being and every day the void gets bigger and something else slips into the whole that is left behind.

I feel like I'm drowning and no ones around to save me, I feel as though I could cry but i've run out of tears, I feel like I'm sick and unable to throw up. I feel like a balloon that has slowly gone down and all that is left is the rubber the only physical thing that we can see.