How do I put this... as many people know I've been through the mill lately, with well my relationship falling to pieces, being told to leave my flat and also having the flu badly. But I've survived right? come out the other side bright and happy- well my not bright and happy but I have come out the other side.

I'm not sure how to put this but lately I've really felt extremely alone, like I have no one that I can turn to. This said I have my friends and I'm able to turn to them. But I still feel as though a part of me is missing a big important part of me. My parents and I aren't seeing eye to eye at the moment. I've really started making my own decisions for myself and they don't believe that I'm capable of doing that. They were also shocked when I made an informed and sensible decision which shows their lack of support for my judgement. Yes I have made some mistakes in the past but why can't they see that I'm not about to make those mistakes all over again. I guess my loneliness comes from feeling that I can't go to them when I need any help with anything also goes with the feeling of homelessness which could be explained by my current lack of a place to live and my discomfort at my parents recently.

I've also found myself missing Morgan, which is preventing me from begining any new relationships- such as with Greg (I don't believe that is a possibility anymore). I don't exactly understand why I miss him. He treated me like dirt towards the end and that's why I left him but before I moved away and he lost trust in me and didn't believe me anymore we had some really truly amazing times. Just spending time together even if it wasn't much when we were together it meant the world. Like the picnic by the river, there are somethings in life that you look back on and you realise how much you loved someone and how much they loved you at that specific point in time. I know that what caused Morgan to act the way he did was my behavior and my lies and distrust in him- which came from my own ability to lie to him so easily. I put him through hell I really did and I regret that greatly, but at the same time I have a psychologist who will tell you that I wasn't exactly sane at the time. I'm not saying that I don't hate the fact that he treated me the way he did but in saying that if I had been in his shoes I probably would have done the same thing. Dispite how much you love someone there is always a limit to how much shit you can handle, Morgan handled more then I thought anyone could. With my outbursts of I hate you, I'm leaving, your better off without me, goodbye - or I just wouldn't talk to him at all. Or even after I'd promised I wouldn't hurt myself again I would, that however I only did a few times then realised how stupid I was being. Everyone is saying that he's pretty screwed up now acting way out of character and stuff. I'm not blaming myself for this but I do however think that on top of his own stuff me being the way I was probably didn't help a lot.

I do still love him quite a bit and if I could take back some of the stuff I threw at him I would but that's where the problem time comes in you can't turn it back.  I guess I didn't appreciate the amount of effort he put into helping me when he tried. But like my psychologist said people can only help you if you let them and I was so determined that no one could help me that I couldn't even see how much he was trying to. If you do this eventually people give up on you. Parents, friends, boyfriends it all gets too much to handle, to much for them to suffer through. Morgan actually did me a big favor by treating me the way he did in those last few weeks because if he hadn't of and I hadn't left him I would not be getting the proffessional help I need, I would not be taking control of my life the way that I am. So in the end his efforts paid off just not exactly in the way that he intended I don't think.

I'm going to look at a new house tonight, it sounds really great and I'll probably spend today going to that area of the city finding my way around and that sort of thing.

One last thing- if I had the opportunity to tell Morgan one last thing it would be that I will forever appreciate what he did for me and forever remember the efforts he made to help me.