hi there...its been ages since i last write here..and most of i write here is about mah doomed and dreading feelings..damn dude!!problems has been very common to me lately...but am not takin it seriously..i know theres always hope 4 everything..haha,ive read all my past blogs and i rialized how pathetic i am...i sound so dreading..how inspiring pity,,anyway,i wanna tell u about wad happened a wk ago..last monday june 4,supposedly,we r goin 2 head bck in zambales but it was pusponed..and guess wat,i was bitten by a dog..d dog in our boardin house,name is bambi..haha,,and i also met another boardmate..and theyr both inspectors..omg,their soo coool u know...the one that i have close most with is ate zyra..shes very funny and fun to be wit,infact,we both went to d netshop 2geder....ate venus is also kind 2,and shes chubby and very pretty..i dint thought that police woman r like that..theyr way too diff. than i had expected they wer..know wad blog,,awhile ago..me and ate aphe..reciprocate...and i now love her..shes just like a replica of me wen it comes to emotions..she told me abt her life stories...and she inspire me today..ohh my,,itink i cant get out to this situation coz ill miss mah boardm8s,,ill miss ate nora,ate agnes,manong amante,ate minas,ate bambi,ate tina,ate candie,ate maybel,manong nestor,ate joy and all of the rest that has been apart of me there..ill miss them..soooooooooooooooo muchhhh..

hi there,,u know what blog,somehow i missed u..u became my hearing aid/cure since my period of depression came,,anyways,lets get to the main point of my entry,,here...

1st of all,,summer was sooo dooomed to me..there r lots of things that happened..u know the other syd ryt??the happy ones..haha..lets not talk it about this time..u know wad?my granny died..last april 25th..its been ages blog,,and u have missd lot of stuffs that happen to me ,sorry for that,as i was sayin..wen my granny died,, i fainted sooo loud and i tot i would die too..coz d fact that i dun bliv she died...and once again,i felt sooo dreadin and lonely knowing that i lose someone again.someone so important,special, sum1 hu ilove most,that period of my life is such lonely blog..i was sooo guilty knowing that am not there b4 she died..ive wished that somehow,i came to take care of her b4 god took her...

omg..i cant belive wats happenin in my life this past few days..everything seems to be confusing..here how it goes:

at home~my mother seems to be not concerned in me anymore<coz i know im being spoilt again,but god knowws i just need some attention>..and as always,im feelin so upset ,ofcourse with everything that is happenin in me..life is doomed!!ohh men,wat am i gonna do??,while at school:,i didnt go to school today becoz of the fact that i hate my mom..she oweiz tell me wat to do,but dont u worry this wont affect my studies,u knoww what?im rank 3 in school?i dunno how did that happen..i promise i didnt do anything..maybe bcoz teachers thought im studying hard..well some times i get to have high scores in exams,quizes,recitation,homework,etc..but hey,i was absent for two wks remember??bcoz of laziness and diziness and i think my anemia is getting worse..as for my mom again,shes still makin my life under her control..as if she cares,and i just hate that..,well to tell u frankly dear blog,im happy being w/ her but sometimes..just like wat my sister said:we cant take living w/ my mom..shes so corny and judgemental..but ilove her..and i think thats wat matters most..i love her but sometimes i just want to tell her that shes more stupid than i am..she smokes terribly and i hate it wen shes like that..shes also very proud of me,she thinks i have big potential in the future,and wat pisses me off is she tell everyone wat im tellin her..im being honest wit her with everthing i do,my infatuations,crushes,who i talk to,and shes very proud of that..she tell people about my korean friend who she thought i fell in love wit,and also my malaysian intelligent friend <name starts with letter I>,and my friend in stockton california,and my friend from singapore,denmark,indonesia,uk,some muslims,and even a friend of mine in laguna and lots,and lots and lots..hey,u think im proud of this??hell no..i just accept friendship from other parts of the world so that i will have someone to talk to,someone hu i can share my life expriences with,hu i can share my sad emotions,my doubts,my happiness..hoping to find someone hu can really understands me..dear blog,thanks for listening..coz sumtymz i just want to sleep and never to wake up again..give up:dont wanna wake up again..i dunno wer to turn to in times like this..im a stupid girl..a disaster made to be..im the girl who they think intelligent:bcoz i pretend to be..thats the truth..im pretending i know everything..pretending to know something..pretending to be strong and confident eventhough i aint not..mom cant help me..no one could..no one seems to understand me..thats why i made this blog coz i know the replica of me is the only thing that can understand me,to listen in my doomed feelings..god!!i dunno if i can still take this..if only i cud turn back the hands of time dear blog..i wont allow my father to go..im still dreading apart bcoz of the fact that hes not here w/ us..and as the time passes by,everything became:worse,worse and worst..omg..i dunno how to react nor how to state wat i feel..all i knoww is ~the pain beneath my heart is killing me,tearing me apart..and why is it like this??i want to cry..,but d other side of me said:only loosers cry in writing their blog/diary..but hell i am..im an emotional freak..hiding my loneliness in a smiling confident face..my friends,collegues,,known me as a happy funny person..but deep inside i aint not..i oweiz make mistakes and i hate people hu underestimate me,,hate it being like this..y cant they just accept me of hu i am and what im used to be??..they always critic me...even my friends..sometimes i just dont know hu is true and hu is not..i have lots of insecurities..lots of expectations..i have lots of wants and likes that i cant even get....but i know,lifes like this..i shud just let it flow..and once again,i will accept the world i am into..accept the challenges in life that i encounter..i will keep on fighting,i will live my life to the fullest as if i dont have any problems..i will regret the invitation of temptation and change it with being religious instead..mark my word blog..i will come back in this page and i will tell u someday that i am successfull and fulfilled with my life..everything will be fine soon..i know..just hang on there..listen to me..i would be glad by that..so till next time..

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the end

i think i have nothing to ask for.i'm satisfied with my life..everything seems fine..

 i apologized to my mother.i know shes not mad at me,we people made mistakes..its normal!!!,,my brother is here with me right now..he  went home from the province.he study there.hes living in my aunt's house.i also study there before..but i pity on my mom because he has no relative here in manila so,i transfered.we are actually n.p.a.(no permanent address) dear diary..my mom and my dad were separated since.before,we(me and my brother) use to live with my father..and not with my mother,like what i said they were separated.,it was very awkward for me TO OPEN THE PAST.,cause it can't go back anymore..there are lots of if only in our life..but for shure everything will turn right.for now,i will just say everything will be fine soon,my life is a novel and i hope you will still listen to me till the end of my life dear journal.i'm only 16 now dear journal,there's more to go..just listen to me..i wont leave u until my life is over..you should know me better dear journal,cause you will be my companion till the rest of my life..i'll tell u more about me sometime okay??,for now let's stay just like this..my listener.

i thought i can hide my feelings my crying shoulder..i thought i was happy..

i know its valentines day today,and the worst thing that happened to me awhile ago is that i scolded my mom..i told her that shes unfair,everything bet. the two of us has messed up.. i don't know how to react in this situation...i know,i'm guilty..its all my fault..its all my fault..its always me who mess up things w/ her..

u know what??i love my mom even though shes like that..i love her no matter what happen.. 

and i know for shure,she loves me too.. 

anyways my dear journal i am planning to apologize to her..its my fault anyway....

 

on the other hand, my valentines sucks,i have no one to share it with..maybe if you can just talk,i know you'll going to tell me:why don't u just celebrate valentines with your mother instead??

well my answer is:she has a valentino,and i dont have one..,,i hope my father is still here..im madly missing him.

ohh i remember,feb. 16 this year is his 2nd death anniversary,if only i can turn back the hands of time dear diary,i would hug him so tight that he cant let go of me<snif,snif>anyway,it's valentines day so,i wanna greet everyone happy valentines DAY!!my advise for everyone is just seize the day even though we have lots of challenges..and one more thing,don't call problems problems,instead use the word challenges..

take care everyone!!if you want a friend to turn to i'm just here..