what do others expect from you? what role should I fit in? I was talking to my father by phone, and witout thinking I was already talking about my studies and problems. when I hung down , I was wandering whether is it all what I have to say to my father. when I will have no problems in studies or work, will I have nothing to tell him. it is true that I suffered from his hard character, from his really hurting words, but I know that he was one of the voice that makes me look for better. but it was always about performance with him. I always have to be first, and when I wasn't really onto that, my relation with him was more and more "electrified". now, I want to become first, but now I lack something that hardwork couldn't provide : charisma. I m now this very sterotipical girl with glasses and with nothing in her mouth but problems and work. the time when I had big dreams and a lot of potentials is over. it's like in pinks song: "my life had made a choice". and it's boring and frutrating for me now. but I know that I wanted to do what i m doing. but this awareness of how much limited are the possibilities in my country, make me sometimes want to cry. this without talking about what the family is waiting for: a good salary so that I could make them a lot of present. what if I don't make it, what if I still want to do research, even if it will mean not salary before a long time, what if I go abroad and will be far from them...
it makes me freak out sometimes. but I konow something that nothing will move: I will pay back my parents for all the sacrifices they had to made to make me reach this, not money, but love , yes a lot of love
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