3/5/2006 - BLOG ON THE MOVE - CHECK ME OUT

SO I'VE MOVED MY BLOG.  I DECIDED THAT I LIKE THE OPTIONS AT THIS NEW PLACE BETTER.  SO IF ANYONE IS ACTUALLY READING THESE ENTRIES, THEN YOU'LL FIND THE NEW ONES (AND I'VE MOVED THE OLD ONES TOO) AT THE NEW ADDRESS LISTED BELOW.  I WON'T BE POSTING ANYMORE BLOGS HERE ON JOURNAL HOME.

HTTP://TOXICDREAMER.BLOGSPOT.COM

HUGS & KISSES
~*~MARIAH~*~

2/1/2006 - because you are a man ... thank god you are a man ... what would i do without a man ???

1/31/2006 - 2 sad 2 cry

i am so confused.  numb.  sore.  i have come to realization recently that i'm too old and too tired to keep living my life the way i have been ... in hiding and scared.  so once i made the decision to change things, i actually felt better - a little boosted.  and then i decided that i'd that i'd have a talk with my husband about my decision to move on - based mostly on his actions and decidions of the last year.  and then i waited until pooh was at school to talk to him, b/c i know him well enough to know that the talk will turn into a yelling, cussing, namecalling invitation for him.  so, i waited, for a moment alone with him, and for courage.  but he must know that i've ocme to this conclusion, b/c since friday - after he spent the night at a "friend's" house - a friend thqat he's never mentioned ever! - he hasn't been alone with me.  he has been on vacation and been out of the house as soon as pooh goes out to meet the bus, and comes home in time to take a nap - he just goes straight to sleep.  the thing is that i want to have a civilized conversation with him and let him know what i want ... what i need ... for my life.  and i want to talk stuff out while we can.  without pooh being home to witness it again.  she's seen enough.  but how am i supposed to talk to someone who litterally won't talk to me or be in the same room with me without our daughter there too.  he knows that i won't start anything with her home, so he's safe.  wish the same could be said for him.  i still love him, and always will - b/c of pooh and the fact that we've shared a lot over the last 12 years, and we were a family, but i love or not, i can't live like this anymore.  i ca't keep faking my life.  and even if i could, i don't want to anymore.  i don't like who i've become ... or who i am when i'm around him.  it's not entirely his fault.  i let him treat me this way for so long, how can he that i don't deserve this.  that i don't like this kind of treatment.  i've always forgiven the cheating - with the women and men - and the lying and the harrassment, and the putdowns, and the ignoring, and dismissals, and just the lack of love he shows toward me.  used to be the only time he ever considered my feelings and tried to be nice to me was when he wanted to get laid, but now that we don'e even do that, well, i never get any consideration from him.  you'd think that since i'm the one who cooks his meals that he'd be a little more sensitive to me.    i keep job hunting and am disheartened that there is nothing but "job opprotunities" out there that are shady to say the least.  and i know that i can't make a move yet without beind able to support pooh and me.  it's not fair to her if i can't.  my brother and his wife have offered to let us stay with them as long as we need, but that'd mean moving pooh away from her friends and 3 hrs away from her dad - and no matter how unloving, inattentive, and neglectful of a husband he's been - he's basically been a good dad to her moslty.  and i wouldn't keep her away from him (not for his benefit) but b/c i know what it's like to want to see your dad and not be able to, and i won't be responsible for making my child feel that way.  so i have to stay here in town.  and that means that i'm on my own ... which scares me.  not the alone part - anymore - but the no support.  which is crazy b/c i've been without any emotional, mental, and physical support from my significant other for years now.  i mean seriously - he left this marriage a long time agao when he stopped hugging me, loving me, touching me, talking to me, having sex with me, kissing me, cherishing me, respecting me, trusting in me, supporting me, standing up for me against his family and friends who put me down, and just plain believing in me.  he's been gone for a long time now but just doesn't have th eguts to actually leave!  well, i'm done pretending like that makes a marriage.  i'm done faking it to myself and the world.  hell, he "lost" his wedding band 2 years ago and hasn't had "enough money" to buy a new one.  ok!  but he's had money to go to the drag race weekends and to buy beer and to go out with his friends, and go to hockey games and to go to monster truck rallies, and stuff like that.  but oh no, don't have any money to go out and but even a crappy $50 band from wal-mart, just to show the world that you're married. oh no!!!!!  he didn't even have his band for 9 months in the first place!!!  i just don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore.  i'm tired.  i'm lonely.  and i'm done.  he won't be loving to me, but won't let me get loved by anyone else either.  well, he doesn't have a choice anymore.  it's my life that i'm missing out on.  i can't even have friends - in "real life" - b/c i can't go visit them, or go out with them, or talk to them - b/c he get's all jelous.  just like everytime i'm chatting with a friend on yahoo or here, he's all looking over my shoulder, and all of a sudden he wants to come over and give me a kiss in the head ... so he can see over my head to the montior.  i was talking with a guy friend of mine on yahoo last nite when he woke up and came out into the living room and noticed what i was doin adn all of a sudden he wasn't tired.  he set up the playstation right behind me and aimed his chair so he could see the montior of the computer.  i'm sure it was just a conincedence.  yeah, right.  and the fact is that the guy i was talking to ... i'd actually prefer to talk to him.  at least he makes me feel wanted - like he give a shit that i'm talking to him.  he actually seems to enjoy talking to me.  which is strange to me ... feeling appreciated for  ......... hell, anything about myself.  one of my girlfriends has inspired me though.  she and i seem to have several similar experiences and she has made it thru hers, and it now in the light at the other side of the tunnel.  she is newly inlove and happy and feeling positive about her life.  used to be i would have been jelous, b/c i never had the strength to do it too.  but now that i've made my decision, i fell motivated to action by her actions and their outcomes.  ok, so i may never love a man who loves me  in return or be "loved" again by a man that i love, but at least there' sthe possiblity again that i'll feel it again.  instead of just resigning myself to living a lie and having a life devoid of love.  that's something at least.  that's hope. and it's scary and exciting and liberating and did i mention scary.  but i'm hopeful that something changing will make things better in my life and more importantly in pooh's life and how she learns to serach for love and what kind of man she chooses to love and let love her.  and frankly, that's more improtant to me than any possible love life i'll have and damn sure more important than ANY MAN ON EARTH EVER!!!!!

1/30/2006 - masquerade day

so i've had some "days like that" these last few days.  actually the last month.  i keep thinking that things have gotten pretty bad and so they must get better soon, and then BANG - BOOM another bomb drops.  so i've posted a few more poems - my way of coping and trying not to give in.  sometimes when i'm feeling a certian way and i have a poem that expresses it better or if i just don't feel like writing about it and getting too in depth, then i just post a poem (one of mine or someone else's - poe, cummings, rilkee, etc.) or a song or a picture or something. 

so as with the picture above, i'm feeling the need to hide in a safe place today.  really feeling a little fragile - like if i think about things too hard today, i may just shatter.  it's one of those days that i just feel like i need to be held - how cliche` - i know, but precisely how i feel.  just need to have someone put their arms around me and rock me and tell me that everythings gonna be alright - even if they have no proof that it will.  just have someone to give me the beautiful lie - and hold me when i cry.  it just feels so much worse to cry alone.  not to have anyone to comfortme, someone to hold me and let me know that they actually care about me and care that i'm in their life and that they will be there for me like i am for them.  feel like i'm just spinning my wheels in the mud and can't gat any traction.  so when does the bogged down feeling pass?  guess i'll just have to sit and wait for it to pass ... and try not to do anything stupid and "cope".

have to go out in the world ... and put the mask on now ...

1/30/2006 - nobody knows

Weapon of choice eacH line a tear repeAted moTions revealing my fear a Heart of gold And shin of stone such perfect loVe i'm never alonE don't keep sIlent let it all go bleeD On the iNsidE ...and nobody knows....

1/29/2006 - CUTTER'S FORGIVNESS

Looking down at my arms and wrists
The scars so ugly and jagged
Wondering how it came to this
How my sanity became so ragged

I don't remember what exactly transpired
The night I so dearly regret
I know for sure I nearly expired
Though the details I try to forget

The last thing I remember before waking up
Is holding a blade in my hand
Shaking like a scolded pup
Ready to enter the Promised Land

Ever since, I've been burdened by shame
The darkness that surrounds me is what I've made
Can't take too much emotional strain 
Before I relieve it with my arm and a blade

One night in a dream my father came to me
And spoke in a voice so pure
"Come, my dear, and follow me,
I know how to find a cure."

But I was reluctant to follow him
I didn't want him to see my scars
I tried to cover them so they wouldn't show
But he smiled and pointed up at the stars

"How much more I love you than the stars in the sky,
And yet each one has a name.
You know you're forgiven in your father's eyes
Just because I died; you're not to blame."

"But Daddy," I cried, "I caused these wounds!
They are what I chose to do!"
Extending a comforting hand he whispered,
"I know my dear, but I caused them too."

1/28/2006 - THE CUTTER'S SALVATION

sick of living ...

1/27/2006 - UNCONTROLLABLY

On the outside,
She seems secure, satisfied, and lively.
Her eyes light up with every peal of laughter,
Her mind scabs over the cuts made the night before.
She does not dwell on the darkness...
She can focus,
And learn,
And love.

Behind the mask,
She cannot see past her own world,
A world shrouded in darkness,
Seething with pain.
She is alone, yet not alone enough
To disappear completely.
She wallows in her fear that someone will see her,
Therefore, not she isn't herself even here.

Within the body,
The walls of tissue and matter,
She is afraid, lost, angry.
Loathing everything about herself,
She cuts openings from the body to the mask,
So that her fear may bleed out onto her shirt.
She knows it will seep back,
The fear just won't melt with one try...
And her frustration makes the cut all the deeper.

Within the mind,
The parts you can never see,
She is hopeless, distorted, diseased.
Lost within the maze, she has given up on it all...
She just curls up, crying and scared;
She closes her eyes and dreams;
Tortured, twisted, haunted scenes;
But in the very back of her mind,
In the very depths of her psyche,
She hopes she will wake up and be
The fabulous woman they want her to be,
And what she fears most, above all else,
Is that she will be what they want.
Uncontrollably.

1/26/2006 - CUTTER'S WITHDRAWAL

The pain arrives once again
And this time I am ready
Blood in my veins yearns to flow
But now I hold steady

I lock up the knives
When the urge starts to come
Temptations are strong
But I refuse to succumb

The pain sharpens quickly
Thoughts of bloody blades in my mind
Heart screams for physical pain
To numb the emotional kind

I look around for a blade
But there are none in sight
I run quickly to my bedroom
On the bed I curl up tight

Quivering and shaking violently
Trying to forget about the pain
To escape, to go to sleep
To erase it from my brain

The next morning I wake up
Put on a happy mask
 And pretend I'm not haunted by
The pain of my troubled past

1/25/2006 - CUTTER'S TORMENT

1/24/2006 - CUTTER ... YOU'LL NEVER BE FREE

A scar
scar
a story to tell
outwarly healing
inwardly bleeding
seemingly stronger
actually weaker-

The pain
pain
takes so much out of me
I'll never be rid of it,
I will never be free.

A scar 
scar
always to see
everyday a  reminder
and a part of me

The people
people
they'll never know
I can hide it but
if they find out
they won't let me go.

These scars
scars
everyday speak to me
they boast and condem
...you'll never be free.

1/23/2006 - SCARRED

1/22/2006 - STAINS THAT WON'T FADE

Old pangs of guilt
Have got me feeling
These strange neuroses
That has left me reeling

The Circling Vultures
Surround my mind
And pick at its remains
That were left behind

The ground opens up
And swallows me whole
Engulfed by the darkness
I´m now black as coal

I scrub and scrub
But the stains won´t fade
And as long as I am alive
More marks will be made

1/21/2006 - SWEET AND TAINTED

Romance the blender
sweet deathless girl
Its blade is sweet
and tainted mild

With alluring sense
of weaves of charm
Chunks of flesh fall
from your arm

Remind me please
of your knowing source
As my last wish
before deaths course

Kiss the blender
sweet tasteless girl
Your blood is sweet
and tainted mild

Swoon for the razor
let lust come forth
With tricks to trick a
girl with no self worth

1/21/2006 - baptism by men

1/20/2006 - i wish i could gather all the tears you've made me cry, SO I CAN FUCKING DROWN YOU IN THEM

i can't even believe what a bad night i had last night.  one minute i was talking to my friend joy, and the next minute i'm getting a plate thrown at me.  apparently jethro had a bad day at work and when he came over to talk to me about it i said the wrong thing.  still not sure what it was, probley won't ever know.  but between him being drunk and the cops showing up and then him driving thru the gate, i'm just tired.  i cried so much last night that i actually don't have any tears left.  my eyes are so dry from so much crying.  i didn't know that was possible.  i look great.  eyes all puffy and red and swollen and they feel like they're gonna pop out of my head if i sneeze.  i am just so tired of playing this game.  acting like we are together when we so are not.  we don't talk, we don't touch, we don't even stay in the same room with each other.  so what am i waiting for?  last time i left him, my whole family cut me off and took his side.  and after a few months i just gave up ... gave in and let him back and began on the next "act" of the play that has become my life.  no, not play ... tragedy.  thru come miracle pooh slept thru all of this last nite.  thanks for small favors, huh. it's just that i'm at the point that i don't even care any more.  i truly just don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, cuz no one else has to live my life.  i do damn it.  and it pretty much sucks right now.  i know that i said i'd try to work on our relationship, but in the last 2 years, since we got back together, i have been spinning my tires in the mud and he's been doin nothing.  it's like he went, "ok, i'm back in so the hard part's over"  well, guess again jerk.  i'm tired of being treated like i don't matter. like i don't exist.  i am here.  i have  a right to be happy ... i must ... everyone else does.  he won't love me and treat me right, but he won't leave me alone and let me find anyone else who wants to love me either.  and being the loyal person that i am, i can't just start up with someone else without wrapping up loose ends here first.  so, i'm wrapping.  even if there is no one right now who wants to apply for the position, i know that there will be.  i want someone who's like the song say's  "aint' a pretty boy toy" and who'll  "rock me steady"   and until then, i think i'd like to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong reasons.  and being with some one just so tha ti'm not alone, is the wrong reason.  i can do bad by  my damn self, i don't need to be dodging plates at 9 at night and pretend that he loves me.  so here i am ... the morning after.  where do i go from here?  i'll find my way.  and in the process, i'll show my daughter that she won't need some man to make her complete and hopefully she won't end up confusing attention for love.

1/20/2006 - fallen angel

You found hope, you found faith

Found how fast she could take it away

Found true love lost your heart

Now you dont know who you are

She made it easy made it free

Made you hurt till you couldn't see

Sometimes it stops some times it flows

Baby that is how love goes

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

And it's a secret that no one tells

One day it's heaven one day its hell

It's no fairy tale take it from me

That's the way it's supposed to be

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

You laugh you cry no one knows why

But ohh the thrill of it all

You're on the ride

You might as well open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl

God knows even angels fall

No such thing as you lost it all

God knows even angels fall

Even angels fall

Even angels fall

1/19/2006 - Motley Crue gets Star on Walk of Fame

1/19/2006 - i want to suck your lips ... i want to melt in your arms