12/13/2005 - my baby boy

so tomorrow will be 6 years since i lost my baby boy - Dakota.  ya know, god could have given me a break and not put dad and dakota's exits in the same week.  i just try to sleep thru this week every year, but life just keeps going on.  the sun rises and the birds sing and life goes on.  makes me want to hurt someone as much as i'm hurting.  but i end up cutting up on me instead.  i know one day that i may cut too deeply or get in trouble with it, but in my fucked up mind it seems better than getting drunk or loaded.  most of the time one cut will do ... but right now my thighs are just thrashed.  jethro and mom keep telling me to "talk to someone" and get back into counseling.  yeah right!  everytime i tell people the truth, they lock me up and force "help" on me.  ya know, if they really wanted to help me, then maybe they could try to understand the warpped way i think and explain it to me.  then maybe i could get over all of this and be normal.  maybe i could NOT have these dreams of daddy and dakota and days that will never come.  how wrong is that to have to dream about my daddy and my son together, daddy died years before any of my kids were even here.  i try to wake up and then when i do it just feels so real that it's like i can hear my dad talking to me.  which is wierd cuz we rarely takled, we mostly yelled at the end, but jeez i was just a teen and if god would have just left him alone then we would have had a chance to work it out.  i would have exited the teen years and then we could have become friends just the way momm and i are now.  it just pisses me off at god, and then that brings me back to my shaky faith.  as with most adults that were raised catholic, i have serious confusion about the whole god issue.  i have more of what i feel is spirituality than religion.  i just think that the good things about spirituality get all mucked up in the religious dogma and then get jammed down throats and it's take it all or leave it all, and oh by the way, we're right and everyone else is wrong and going to hell.  i just don't believe that my kind of god would be so cruel.  we're supposed to be god's children, and i know that as a parent myself, there is nothing that my daughter can ever do that will make me forsake her and abandon her ... even if she forsakes and abandons me.  and i believe that about god as a parent too.  but it still pisses me off that he has to take so much from me.  i just don't get it.  i know that i've done bad things and hurt people, but really - have i been that bad.  see, that's the catholic in me believeing that i'm being punished.  i'd really just love to be loaded right now.  i know.  bad idea.  i think.  no, bad.